A Different Version Of The Empty Nest with Shara and Aaron Goswick - E131

Clancy Denton (00:00)
Today on The Loud Quiet, a different version of The Empty Nest with Shara and Erin Goswick. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The Loud Quiet. We are so excited today to have Shara and Erin Goswick with us. We were actually guests on Shara's podcast, ⁓ Life Stories podcast earlier, just I guess a couple of months ago, and had a great conversation with her and.

After we wrapped the podcast, said, okay, we need to have you as a guest. And then we said, would your husband want to come on too? And she paused for a minute and she said, let me ask him. And we are so happy that he said yes. So Erin and Shara, welcome to Allow Quiet.

Shara Goswick (00:48)
Thank you so much for having us.

Aaron Goswick (00:49)
Thank you, it's an honor to be here.

Rick Denton (00:52)
The honor is absolutely ours. It's going to be a lot of fun. I will say this, in the show notes, you'll see a link to Cher's podcast. So head there, click it, and listen.

Clancy Denton (01:02)
And we're going to talk about your podcast in a little bit later in the show because we do want to honor that and talk about it. But okay, you guys have been married for over 30 years, so tell us a little bit. Tell us about you. Tell us about your family, the dynamic. Just fill us in on that.

Shara Goswick (01:24)
We were just talking about some of this before we got on. In June, we will have been married for 34 years. Wow. Congratulations. were married immediately after we graduated from high school. Also after having a baby. So we had our daughter in January of 92 and then graduated from high school in May of 92 and then got married in June.

We kind of hit the floor running. Yes, you did. Welcome to adulthood. ⁓ Very quickly. we, started college and went for a couple of years, but I had another baby. So I really just wanted to be home. I did not want to be in school. And Aaron continued through school. He is a physical therapist. And so he was in school for a while, but ⁓ you know, I'm so proud of him. He worked so hard.

Clancy Denton (01:56)
You

Shara Goswick (02:23)
throughout school because when he got into PT school he was married with three kids and that's not a great way to go to graduate school that you know something that intense and so he's done he just has done such a great job and I mean like I said we hit the floor running and it's not we've not stopped in 34 years so

Clancy Denton (02:46)
I mean, y'all have beat the odds. is, mean, being, having a baby, you know, before you graduated high school and y'all have been married for 34 years, that is amazing. I mean, that is really, congratulations. That's a huge feat. mean, really.

Rick Denton (03:05)
It really is. it makes me, I was going to ask you something else, but it makes me think a little bit about, cause this is a podcast where most of our audience, right, are empty nesters. And something that we often say to empty nesters is, you know, think about the day, the times when you were dating as a way to reconnect in the empty nest. But I'm curious since those, you know, pre like from high school or I guess from kid to high school to marriage were so quick. How have you found.

your ways to connect to what it meant to be that couple pre-kids now that you are in the emptiness.

Aaron Goswick (03:39)
⁓ In high school we we dated two years before and she became pregnant after Pretty much a year and a half or almost a full year ⁓ And I do want to throw some props to our parents and our my in-laws You don't do this without a good support system around you and and then our support system we we all know the Lord and we It really forced us to grow up. I remember some

very nurturing and wonderful conversations with both my parents and then her parents and her father was actually my high school high school baseball coach. So it made it really interesting. Yes. And ⁓ he tried to play matchmaker like a year before that. And she was like, no way. So we found each other in chemistry. was chemistry. We met each other in chemistry class and

And I asked her to homecoming. And it just, I just fell in love with her. We were actually on each other's compatibility list. We had this kind of dating kind of, I don't know, back then it was in a dating app, but it was a matchmaking thing. And Sherry was on my list and I was on her, but I didn't know who she was really until baseball started. But.

We dated, but it wasn't, I mean, it was more like you come to my house, I come to your house. We didn't have a lot of money and we just spent time together. ⁓ being thrown into adulthood, you know, you have those intense conversations with your parents and her father sat me down and said, you know, I love you, we love you. We know that you love our daughter and you just lost your childhood. I mean, basically you have to grow up.

in order for this to work. I said, okay, I didn't know what that meant. I just said, yes, and I'm sorry, and we're gonna make this work. But the good thing is we loved each other a lot. And the growth of raising kids that early, ⁓ you can either run from it or you can run to it. And we ran to it. And this is the strongest person I know. She's my best friend.

She inspires me. This podcast inspires me. This life stories. It's just an honor to be your husband and watch her ⁓ raise our three incredible kids. I was just there as a, as a leader and provider and watch her do her thing. She's incredible at what she does and especially with Colton our youngest. So.

Shara Goswick (06:33)
⁓ I wanted to add this also, we didn't have any time without kids other than before we had our daughter. So we moved to the area where we are right now six years ago and we built a house and while we were building, we're living on family land. While we were building, our son who lives with us lived with my in-laws because they live out here and we in a little apartment for six months while we building. That's the only time we've ever been without children.

in our entire marriage. And so we were excited, like, this is fun, know, this cute little apartment. It wasn't fancy by any means, but it was honestly the only time we've ever been under a roof without any kids living with us. So, you know, and he's older and he's got privacy, he's got a room and all his stuff above the garage, so it's not like, you know, he's down with us all the time, but he's still here. So.

It was a nice little- it was like a little honeymoon, you know? Forest for six months. ⁓

Rick Denton (07:37)
delayed by a few decades, you know.

Shara Goswick (07:39)
It's

been few decades, yeah.

Rick Denton (07:42)
You got sort of some emptiness practice, although I will say that, you know, it does kind of look empty nest from the outside, but we know that's not exactly the situation that you have there. How would you describe this phase of life right now?

Shara Goswick (07:58)
⁓ You know, I'm very fortunate, we're very fortunate that our son is, ⁓ he's able to take care of himself mostly. You know, I don't have to do everything for him. I do do a lot for him, probably more than I need to, but he can take care of himself. I can be gone for a day or, you know, if I'm going to a conference, I can be gone and he's fine during the day by himself. He can take care of his food. He can take the dog out. He can do all those things. So it's not like I have to do everything.

He's just always here. He's always here. So if I'm going to be gone, I've got to make sure he knows where I'm going. Is he going to be okay? Does he have all the food he needs? Cause he can't drive. So I've got to make sure and he, you know, he has everything that he needs. I think it's just become so normal to me that I don't really think about it a lot. You know what I mean? It's just, it's just what it is. So, ⁓ there are times I think I wish

things were a little bit different. Not that I don't love him or want him here or want him to be safe. You know, your kids are supposed to grow up and move out and have a life and you know what mean? And so sometimes I do think about that.

Clancy Denton (09:10)
And

you're a different circumstance, but we have so many friends who are thinking that same thing, and their children are still at home, not for the reason yours is, but they're dealing with the somewhat unmotivated child.

Rick Denton (09:31)
What gets it kind of the definition of empty nest and why we were so happy to have you all on is such a ⁓ wide ranging definition because expectations of what it looks like don't always match up.

Clancy Denton (09:44)
And what would you say to parents that because you know, and I'm sure through your podcast, you've met several parents that are in the same situation as y'all. What do you share with those parents? What advice do you have to those parents? How can you look at this differently, this version of the emptiness?

Shara Goswick (10:06)
You know, I had a friend tell me ⁓ last year I wanted to go to a conference and it was a big deal and I was going to be gone for three full days, which was the longest during the week that I would be gone where he would be gone all day at work. And a lot of what I deal with is guilt because my son can't drive. And so I'm the one that needs to get him out of the house. And if I don't do it, you know, not necessarily anybody else can. And so she said,

your identity is not just as his mom. She said, you need to go to this conference. You need to go meet people. You need to connect. You need to do these things. That's not, yes, you are his mom, but you're so much more than that. And so I think that would be my encouragement to other parents. Make sure your kids are taken care of. Make sure they have what they need. But it's okay to step out a little bit. It's okay to pursue a dream or to do something as long as you're taking care of your responsibilities. You're making sure your kid's good.

It's okay to do those things.

Clancy Denton (11:06)
Yeah.

Rick Denton (11:07)
Aaron,

I hear what you're saying, Sharon. I want to ask Aaron, how did you support Sharon in kind of walking through that guilt and being willing to then go and to use your word, Sharon, to step out to find who you as an individual are? What was your role, Aaron, in supporting this?

Aaron Goswick (11:31)
Well, ⁓ it's learned over the decades of our marriage. My natural gift is I have an administrative gift. I guess, you early in my life, I was very type A, you know, get the things done, don't care about feelings, just, you know, my love by my actions, that kind of thing. But I really could not communicate with my heart on a level that Shara needed.

at the time. ⁓ So the growth of our marriage kind of prepared us for the empty nest. ⁓ I would say the faster you, if you have kids in the home right now and you're preparing and you're getting closer to that day when they do leave, make sure your identity is not in your children. You have to view your life from a big picture and ideally you want to date

your future spouse. You want to learn who they are and know what motivates them and be intimate with them. And when I say intimacy, say we learned this in one of our marriage conferences. It's into you me see basically. ⁓ Learn how to connect with that vulnerability of being vulnerable enough to share your heart without a fear of reaction or retribution from your spouse. The earlier you can do that, the better. But then

I had to learn to be a listener. Cher was very good at listening and I was very good at talking. You wouldn't know that by her pop canvases. She's amazing. I'm still like, who are you? What did you do with my wife? Because nowhere in my wildest dreams would she be doing something like this. But she's gifted to do what she does. I was always a cheerleader for her, but she didn't believe in herself. So I had to learn to step back, listen to her heart, have pretty intense conversations.

to be honest with you, some counseling sessions along the way. And we had breakthrough in many areas of our life that ⁓ I just had to learn to be quiet and listen and not judge and not try to be a fixer, but she just wanted me to hear her heart and not fix her. And when I started doing that, our marriage completely changed, you know, probably 15 years ago, well before...

we became full empty nesters,

Shara Goswick (13:58)
I will say this to your question. I am very much, like I said earlier, I probably do more than I need to for my son. And he is the opposite and he wants me to not do so much. He is good about encouraging me to do what I need to do for me and saying, he's fine, he'll be fine. Don't worry about it, he's gonna be okay. So he's very good at that.

Clancy Denton (14:26)
Yeah.

Rick Denton (14:27)
That's great. know, and sometimes you need to like, sometimes you need to play that role. And sometimes you need to be the one hearing that role. And that's true of we've talked to other empty nesters, we've experienced that in our own world. Clancy tells a story of where she was about to get on a plane to help support our adult daughter through a challenge that she was going through. And the right answer for all of us was no, she's going to be able to manage and she did and she thrived in it. But that natural reaction to go solve do.

has to be tempered with the no, let them launch, let them handle, let them learn.

Clancy Denton (14:59)
that mama's heart.

Shara Goswick (15:02)
See you

Rick Denton (15:04)
So

what are you saying? Is the dad hard to stone? No.

Shara Goswick (15:07)
Yeah.

Clancy Denton (15:08)
I

think the dad is just more of let them handle it and the mom's like no I want to fix it. ⁓

Rick Denton (15:14)
the ⁓

Shara Goswick (15:15)
Yeah,

so...

Rick Denton (15:18)
Yeah, so we're talking about an adult child that needs support. What do you think people misunderstand when they hear that sentence? When they're from the outside looking in and understanding y'all's situation, what do you think they misunderstand about an adult child that needs support?

Shara Goswick (15:39)
So much. think unless you're in it, don't think anybody really gets it or are living in their version of it. really don't think they get it. You know, our son, he's so sweet. He has such a sweet heart. But you know, every child with any diagnosis is going to be different. They're all going to be different. But ⁓ he's very smart. He's very organized. But he takes things very literally.

And he, as a kid, got in trouble and got hurt in school because he would do what kids told him to do. He listens to people and he trusts people too much. So he can be taken advantage of very easily. So for me, with our son, I'm very protective of him for that reason. ⁓ You know, I've got to watch out for him all the time and I don't think, people don't think about that. you know, with him, he can't walk through a parking lot on his own.

because he doesn't think about traffic and he doesn't think about cars coming. Even though he's a grown man, he just doesn't think about it. And so anytime, I mean, he's rarely ever not with me or with Aaron, but if he's with somebody else, I have to remind them, okay, make sure he walks with you. If you're going in the store, make sure he walks with you because he doesn't know if a car's coming and it doesn't stop, he could get hit. You know what I mean? There's just a lot of things that I think other people don't think about that I have to think about for him, even though he's grown.

Yeah.

Clancy Denton (17:08)
Yeah. So let's shift gears a little bit because I do know that y'all are grandparents. so tell Look at that. I know. I love, know, we're not there yet. We're not anywhere close to there yet. But and I love. But I love asking that question because I love seeing our friends that are they just light up when they bring up the grandkids. So.

Rick Denton (17:20)
to see what she.

Clancy Denton (17:35)
Tell us what it is, what's your favorite thing about being a grandparent? And tell us a little bit more about your other two children.

Shara Goswick (17:43)
Whoever kids, our daughters are oldest. She's married and has two girls. And then we have another son who is single. He's just enjoying the bachelor life. our grandkids are the most wonderful creatures on the planet. They are just the best ever. I was very close to my grandmother growing up. And I think that's why that relationship is so special to me. ⁓ I mean, I lived two blocks from her for most of my life.

And then I kept in touch with her for all the decades after that. And then I was able to see her a couple of weeks before she passed away. And she still pointed out that I was her favorite. Anyway, that I think that's why the relationship is so important to me. But these girls are, mean, our daughter's raising them right. Her and her husband, they are raising these girls right. And they're fun and they're smart and they

The oldest one will FaceTime me once a week and text me. And ⁓ it's just fun. We just love, because there's no responsive. I mean, there's a little responsibility, but mostly it's just fun. Mostly I just say yes to as many things as I can say yes to. And I mean, what's wrong with that? You know, now we're older. We don't have as much energy, but we do have more money. So we can go through some things.

and buy them fun things, know, more than when our kids were growing up. ⁓ yeah.

Rick Denton (19:14)
Do your kids ever point out, hey, wait a second, where was that for us? Do you ever get any of that?

Shara Goswick (19:19)
I think they appreciate having free babysitters, so I don't think they care.

Clancy Denton (19:24)
Yeah,

we loved that too, yes.

Rick Denton (19:28)
Yeah

Aaron Goswick (19:28)
It's great for us because we have, ⁓ we still have energy because we had our kids so young. Much more energy if we were probably 10 years down the road compared to the average grandparent, guess. So we have a high energy level. We're still, I guess, relatable and fun and we know how to use tech and things like that. ⁓ grandkids are a reward for your hard work with your kids.

Shara Goswick (19:35)
Not as much, but we do.

Aaron Goswick (19:57)
And you get to say yes to a lot ⁓ within the boundaries that are set by their parents. We honor our daughter and our son-in-law in the way they raise their children. We want to respect that. You get to see them a whole lot more if you respect that. we are not there to be their parent. We give our kids the freedom to raise their kids how they want. Of course, we have our rules in our house, but we don't even have to go over those because they're already disciplined well with their mom and dad.

I'm so thankful for that. It's a generational blessing is you think again outside of the the view of your own You know

Just your own relationship with in your own marriage. Um, when you get past that point, it's just awesome. I mean, you could just say our oldest granddaughters in volleyball right now. And we just say, we're just going to go to the game on Saturday. It's only 45 minutes long and it's an hour and a half to get there an hour and a half back. who cares? It's worth it. Just to see a smile on our face.

Rick Denton (21:00)
Yeah. And spending that time with them, know that, you know, Clancy's parents were incredibly involved in our kids' activities like that and the relationship, the connectivity was there. Not to disparage my parents, they just were further away. And so it was great to have Clancy's parents there available and so involved in the kids' lives. Sharon and Aaron, both of y'all said just like that could have been that little segment right there could have been the

some of the best wisdom for grandparents. So if you are a grandparent or you're near your grandparent, go ahead and hit rewind. Listen to that again, because those are some really juicy nuggets that you need to pay attention

Clancy Denton (21:38)
The staying within the boundaries of what your, you know, the parameters of what your children set for their children.

Rick Denton (21:46)
Talk

off mic, off camera, about what you really do. know, the candy that gets snuck between, hidden inside the hand.

Aaron Goswick (21:53)
Yeah, bedtime's a little later.

Shara Goswick (21:59)
My daughter knows this now, but we did start letting our oldest granddaughter sleep with us when she was little, like a baby little. And we didn't tell her, we didn't tell my daughter. My son-in-law knew and he didn't care. He didn't care.

Clancy Denton (22:15)
That's a precious memory that she will have.

Rick Denton (22:18)
The

secrets are coming out. Well, OK, so you talk about babysitting too. And that's one thing that a lot of folks do talk about in the empty nest. And I'm curious, what are y'all finding that you now have time to do that you didn't have time to do before?

Shara Goswick (22:35)
We go on a date every week. We do that.

Aaron Goswick (22:38)
That's the superpower. was going to share that at some point, but you go ahead.

Shara Goswick (22:42)
Well, we do. make sure it... We go out almost every Thursday. Sometimes he'll bring food home and we don't, you know, I don't get dressed, we don't go anywhere. But most of time we'll go out on a Thursday or, you know, after church we can leave and go run errands and do stuff and, you know, hang out and we don't... We're not in a rush to be back home. We don't have to be home quickly. So if we want to go do stuff, he loves landscaping and loves flowers and loves a nursery.

you know, sometimes after church, we'll want to go to the nursery and look for more plants and more stuff. And we can do it and not have to be rushed, I guess, to get back.

Aaron Goswick (23:20)
Yeah, that I mean, I'll just go ahead and talk about it. But if you want the answer to staying together while you're have kids in the home and staying together after is that that all important date night. I hope if you sit back and think about it and you're like you spend all this time pursuing your future mate, do anything you can to win them over. And then you form this covenant with them.

to spend the rest of your life with them. And then you stop doing the things that you did to woo them back to you. And it just does not make sense. And it gets clouded by the busyness of life and raising kids. And that becomes your identity and being married really isn't. It's all about the kids. You hear that a lot. it's, she's my priority. And the kids need to know that when they're in your house. Because they're in your house for a temporary.

amount of time from 18 to well now it's like 30 years unbelievable when people are leaving. But ideally 18 to 20 years they're in your house and they need to know that mom's a priority to dad. Dad's a priority to mom. We're going to go we may not have money to go on a date because y'all are so expensive but we may have an hour to go walk in the park.

Or we may go sit on a bench and just talk and listen, because that's what it's all about. It's connecting. And if you invest that on a weekly basis for one to two hours, ⁓ whatever stage in life you are, when you get to that point, you won't look across the room and say, who are you and what did you do with the Wi-Fi Mary 30 years ago? You know who they are. So it's, it eases that transition to that empty nest. ⁓ So date night is a superpower.

I can't say it enough, make time for the one that you love the most.

Rick Denton (25:21)
way that it's something

Clancy Denton (25:22)
No, no, I was gonna say, yeah, we always talk about it, I was gonna say, Aaron, I think you need to start a podcast or maybe y'all should do a couple's podcast together.

Rick Denton (25:31)
There's a lot

of wisdom that y'all are sharing there. not just the, there was something that you wove in there that I really want people to hear and that was we don't have to rush anymore. And the idea of date night, like you said, sometimes it literally is you've got one hour to go sit on a park bench. Now that date night, you've continued that on. I think that's one thing that empty nesters can be at risk of is, the kids are gone. Therefore, all right, we're just kind of connected and you don't actually have to court.

prioritize that, whereas you're still continuing that priority of date night, but in that we don't have to rush it. And well, and I heard, Sherry, you say also, and maybe sometimes we just have the food at home and we don't get dressed up. hear that from plants. Sometimes like, I really don't want to go out, but we'll still have a date night.

Shara Goswick (26:21)
Yeah, no it means not cooking.

Clancy Denton (26:23)
And I don't have to put on makeup or anything.

Shara Goswick (26:28)
Yes, that's exactly right.

Clancy Denton (26:31)
All right, so share us. with us how you got started with your podcast, because we love your podcast. And like I said, we were guests on it. But share with us. And I know it has so many different branches to it as well.

Shara Goswick (26:47)
So I started my podcast for fun. For me to gain the confidence to do what I'm doing now is a miracle. I mean, it really is. And what's very cool is next week, six months before I started my podcast, maybe a year before I started, I went through six months of life coaching. And I have not talked to that life coach since then. And really she was a writing coach and I was going to work on my writing. But when I got done, I wanted to do a podcast.

So I started my podcast in 2022. Next week I'm having my life coach on. I we've already recorded it, but it'll be posted. And that's, that was the first time I talked to her in five years. So that's pretty awesome. Um, I started for fun. I like talking to people. like meeting new people and hearing about their lives. And so I really wanted to just hear people's stories. And then after the first, I don't know, five or six people I started talking to, I realized they were all helping others in some way.

And I didn't intend to go that direction, but it just kind of went that way on its own. So then I just started looking for people that were helping other people. So I do have a few different segments now. I do people helping people. talk to nonprofit starters and volunteers and ⁓ people that have businesses that are, you know, meeting a need in their community. And then I talked to a lot of authors. I love reading. And so

If I talk to an author, I have a segment called For the Love of Books. And if I talk to an author, that means I've read that book, because I will not. I had a very bad experience early on. I will not promote a book that I have not read first. I can't do that. It was not good. then I have ministries making a difference. I talk to people that are running ministries that are doing things. But I've talked to people all over the world. mean, literally all over the world. And I love it. I love getting to meet people and showcase their work.

and it's just so fun.

Clancy Denton (28:43)
Yeah, well, I know we really enjoyed being on your podcast and yeah, you're a great host. We really had a good time when we were on your podcast.

Rick Denton (28:51)
And

it's really interesting to hear you talk about how, like, Aaron describing that to see you be able to do that, to do this podcast, that kind of growth, those are the kind of things that are so exciting to see people take on that this stage of life is not one to wind down. This is an opportunity to grow and take on new challenges. And it's inspiring to me to hear that part of your story. And I know it's something that's absolutely inspiring to our listeners and viewers as well.

Clancy Denton (29:20)
Yeah, tell everyone before we close this out where they can find you, Shara, so that we make sure that's in here. And we will also put everything in the show notes.

Shara Goswick (29:30)
Awesome. Thank you. My website is life stories podcast calm and everything is on my on my webpage all the links to all the places you can listen I have a list of everybody that I've spoken to with their websites I always have my latest episode on there if you want to listen you can listen straight from the website, but everything is there

Clancy Denton (29:51)
yeah, because I saw, what was this week? The true crime, the lady from True that does true crime. Yeah, know. I was like, ooh, I'm going listen to that one.

Rick Denton (30:00)
I

didn't even know what Clancy was doing. And I just heard these murmurs from the desk in our office like, ⁓ that's it.

Shara Goswick (30:08)
I

will say I met her at the podcast conference last year and she was a producer for 48 hours and 60 minutes and she wrote a book about her time there. The book is amazing. I don't know if you like to read, but it's awesome.

Clancy Denton (30:21)
Yeah, we do. Well, thank you guys so much, Aaron and Cher. This was great and such great wisdom all around. Oh my. Yeah. So yeah, we really appreciate y'all sharing your story with us on the Loud Quiet. Thanks for being on, guys.

Shara Goswick (30:38)
Thank you so much.

Aaron Goswick (30:39)
Thank very much.