Foster Care, A Full Life and an Empty Nest Second Chance at Love with Lisa Guzman E136

Rick Denton (00:00)
This week on The Loud Quiet, foster care, a full life, and an empty nest second chance at love with Lisa Guzman.

Clancy Denton (00:07)
Hey guys, welcome to the Loud Quiet. We are really excited about today's episode. We have a very special guest with us today.

Rick Denton (00:16)
Yeah, today we are going to be talking with Lisa Guzman, who she's got a story that does not go in a straight line. And you'll get to hear a lot more about that. She's lived through a lot of chapters, growing up in foster care, building a life on her own terms, raising two sons, losing a husband to a heart attack, and then years later, reconnecting with someone from her past in a way, well, let's just say she never expected.

And now she's thinking about love, dating and connection and what that looks like in this empty nest stage of life and how different this all feels the second time around. And y'all here's kind of a special bonus. Lisa actually appeared on our other podcast, CX Passport. So she is our first ever guest to have appeared both on the Loud Quiet and on CX Passport. It was so clear when I was talking to her about...

through CX Password that we had to have her as a part of the Loud Quiet. So excited about that. Lisa, welcome to the Loud Quiet.

Lisa Guzman (01:18)
Well, thank you so much for being here. I'm very excited.

Rick Denton (01:22)
Yeah, and really, the fact that you're the only one that's ever done both of them, we should give, like, some sort of celebratory award to you, so maybe we'll figure what that looks like.

Clancy Denton (01:32)
Well, yeah, I had walked in from the gym and Rick said, OK, I just had a pre-show call with someone and we have to have her on the loud quiet. was like, OK, that's the first time that I've ever heard anyone from ZX Passport that he wants on our show. So, yeah.

Rick Denton (01:48)
So you're very special.

So Lisa, thinking about your life now, this specific season that you're in, what feels most different from the version of you that was trying just to get through in those early years?

Lisa Guzman (02:07)
I think the biggest difference is I get to be my 100 % authentic self for the first time probably ever because I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, thus the foster care. And so in the dysfunctional home, you have to be what your parents expect in order just to survive. And then being in foster care, you always have the sense of I'm not really their child.

And there's even the best intention foster parents, they subconsciously treat you a little bit differently, ⁓ which is understandable, but it also does affect how you look at yourself. ⁓ One of the things I really ⁓ promote for children of foster care is ⁓ something as simple as getting them suitcases and luggage, because most of the time you move in trash bags.

So what that says to yourself is that I am trash. Something that most people probably wouldn't even think about unless they had that situation. Then I aged out and didn't know that there is no aftercare for foster children. So I thought I was doing a great thing. I graduated from school early. I graduated a month after I turned 17. And they said, congratulations, you're on your own. And this was in New York City. Oh, wow. 17 year old.

and I am homeless. So that was very difficult. And then I ended up having my oldest at 20 years old when I was pregnant with him. I was also homeless. I lived in the Y for a while. A lot of people don't know, but you actually can live in the Y. And I did.

When he was about two and a half, I bought my first house. So from being homeless and on welfare to owning a house at 23 years old. ⁓ But again, I'm not my own person because we were a parent, or at least a good one, you are what they need you to be. So I was mom and then I was wife. then very years later in 2019 is when my husband passed.

And then 2020 is when my youngest graduated from high school. So now everything that I defined myself with was taken.

Rick Denton (04:39)
It felt right there all at once

Lisa Guzman (04:42)
That's

so now I'm no longer wife, I'm no longer mother in the normal sense. And so I had to redefine Lisa, which I had not been Lisa for 25 years. I had been everybody else's and I didn't know how to navigate that. Because as a wife and as a mother, you give to everyone first and give yourself last.

Now there's no one else to give to you so you have to give yourself and it feels very selfish. Like I make what I want for dinner, not the family saying we want spaghetti. And I don't even know what I want for dinner. know, I, you know, was like, you know, everybody said whatever I made, whatever. And just all of that was different. And I had to redefine myself. My husband was actually

18 years older than I am. And so I didn't realize it until after he passed that I was actually even dressing older to kind of fit him. I threw my entire wardrobe out. And started new and changed my hair and a lot of things. And so now I am for the first time looking in the mirror and looking at my life and saying, I'm me.

which is fun and scary and new.

Clancy Denton (06:15)
Lisa, mean, your story really, you had to rely on yourself pretty much from the get-go. How does that show up today in relationships, especially when it comes to trust and letting someone in?

Lisa Guzman (06:31)
I work in progress. Oh my gosh, I have a hard time trusting people like my partner, he said, would you do a trust ball with me? I said, I would let you trust fall into me, but I've never let you let myself trust fall into you. And he's like, well, you know what?

Clancy Denton (06:33)
Yeah.

Rick Denton (06:34)
I'm sorry.

Lisa Guzman (06:58)
I, there's the lowest piece of me that's like, for that second, will you have that intrusive thought take place and just let me fall? And so I, over the years and even in my marriage, I was the quintessential, I've got it. I've got it. And then someone told me one time we were talking about how I am that way and we were talking about the first Superman and when Lois Lane falls and Superman catches her and she says, you've got me, who's got you?

And that's kind of like my thing. It's like, always want to be the person that catches. I'm not so comfortable with being caught. ⁓

Rick Denton (07:38)
That and so I'm thinking about all that you've just said here in the just the very beginning talking about this Move into what we call the empty nest phase in such a dramatic way With losing your husband and then your your child then leaving the home all of the background that you brought into life before that

And then this idea of, now I finally get to be myself and I'm developing that sense of self and all of that. And it's scary to trust someone else. And it feels like right about that moment is when you had told us that, well, someone from your past reappeared into your life. So what was that like to reconnect with someone from decades ago with all that had transpired between that initial meeting?

to then the current meeting for you emotionally.

Lisa Guzman (08:33)
Well, ⁓ I got to give you a little bit of backstory. So after my husband passed, I had decided I was never going to date again. For 17 years, been there, done that, I'm good. My boys were like, no, like you're still young, you need to date. And I hadn't dated before social media. ⁓ making apps. And my oldest, who is now 32,

He was like, oh, you're going to have a great time. I was very, very sarcastic. And wow, like the stories he told me could not even come close to what the reality was. And so I said, I'm good. You know, I don't want to do this because it was all like we'd go on and on with the stories. But all that to say at the time I was in Denver.

decided to move to Atlanta. That was something that I'd wanted to do for a long time for lots of reasons. But I had planned to stay single. ⁓ I was fine with just being me and my cats and working my job and all that. And then I got a message from Facebook from a guy I had dated back in 1987.

Rick Denton (09:56)
All right.

Lisa Guzman (09:59)
And he was my first love. was a ⁓ freshman in high school. He was a senior. ⁓ He was the quintessential nerd in that he was a calculus tutor. ⁓ What does I say that everybody? Yeah, okay. We know where you're going. Yeah, where I was the more, you know, popular, bubbly. So we were like complete opposites.

But I just thought he was this amazing guy. I liked the way he thought about things and I liked the way he treated me. you know, so he was my first love. We stayed together up until he was getting ready to go to college and he didn't think that we would be able to manage with that. he broke up. And I was devastated for a very long time. And then

Weirdly enough, I ended up living with his sister in New Orleans for a while. Interesting. Yeah, so I've been entangled in his family for bit. ⁓ But then I ended up moving to Philadelphia, and then we kind of all lost touch, know, never had anything bad. And then when he messaged me this last September, he was like just asking me how I was doing. We were going back and forth. I finally said, hey,

I'll just give you my phone number because I'm this whole texting back and forth thing. know, us older people, you know, we're not for the ⁓ And then he called me and I didn't, you know, I could say hi, how you doing? said, I don't even know I'm going to recognize his voice. had not talked to this man in 37 years. ⁓ the first thing he said to me was that he loved me and that he always loved me.

And he knew about my husband's passing. And he asked if we could have another chance.

Rick Denton (12:05)
⁓ my gosh.

Lisa Guzman (12:07)
For

just phone call. I, yeah, he said he wasn't going to mess up again. And I was like, wow. Okay. There's that. And I, at first didn't know how to respond, but then the heart started beating and I was like, oh my God, why do I feel like I'm 14 again? Like, it's crazy. And we've been communicating ever since he's been down to visit.

Rick Denton (12:28)
love it! my god.

Lisa Guzman (12:36)
⁓ three times since then and he is actually moving to Atlanta on Friday.

Clancy Denton (12:42)
Okay.

Rick Denton (12:43)
my gosh, okay. we may need like a post-move. What did this look like? This is awesome. my gosh.

Clancy Denton (12:50)
Yes. love that your kids were encouraging you. I love that. so how, mean, did that, was that the catalyst that kind of puts you back out there? Because like you said, I've told Rick this many times. If you are ever out of my life, yeah, I have no interest. You know, I would think, yeah, I'm not going down that path.

Rick Denton (13:18)
You've already preplanned your platonic roommate once I'm out of the picture.

Lisa Guzman (13:21)
Ha

ha.

Clancy Denton (13:22)
But you know, I love that your kids were encouraging you because you know We're still young we're beautiful women. But yes, I love that they were encouraging you to do that So was that the catalyst that pushed you towards that or?

Lisa Guzman (13:37)
Not really. It was more of, I could not believe it as we talk, like every time we talk, even now, like two, three hours minimum, one time it was eight hours. In fact, a certain phone, Karen, won't name, will cut the call off after eight hours. And we've run into that more than once. my gosh.

Rick Denton (14:01)
When

you talk about 1987, I'm having these flashbacks of sitting, like, know, young Lisa in her room on the extension or whatever, the landline phone, having these long calls, and you're doing this now in your current life.

Clancy Denton (14:14)
Well,

yeah, so 37 years, I mean, you know, you've changed, he's changed, but I guess y'all haven't changed enough to where so many things have changed.

Lisa Guzman (14:27)
Yeah, that's what's so weird because you know, we both married we both have had children ⁓ I've lived a lot of places since then he has never left New York ⁓ Which is interesting because this will be the first time in his life that he is moving out of New York ⁓ Yes, but it was the the I would say like the vibe was the same like we Back then we never ran out of things to talk about now. We never ran out of things to talk about we talk about the weirdest things

Um, like we're both very into like old time words. And so, uh, we were talking about that. Uh, the word today was pish posh in case anybody wants to know. Yes. I love the word pish posh and that you bring that back. And I said, I think I'm going to bring that back.

Rick Denton (15:15)
We'll put a definition of Pitch Posh in the show notes below for folks listening. Get a little taste of that old world. Well, okay, so you're now, and I realize your situation is one of the more strikingly unique ones when it comes to dating in your 50s, but it is dating in your 50s. What feels different than what you think people would expect dating to be at this stage and age of life?

Lisa Guzman (15:43)
It's not to toot my own horn, but a lot of people think that I'm much younger than I am. I've gotten that quite a bit. So when I tell people that I'll be 53 this year, they're like, where? I'm like, not 32. So I would hope that, you know, that would be the case. But that's been a thing. I also did not know that a lot of

very young guys like older women. my, I've gotten guys like my children's age pursued me. That was weird. When I see a two in front of your birth year, I freak out.

Rick Denton (16:33)
I'd love to see the shock value of you choosing to go out on some of those dates just to see what your sons would say. Like just the shock value alone would be worth it.

Lisa Guzman (16:42)
The funny thing is with my older son, he has on several occasions gone, we've gone out together, people thought that I was his girlfriend. He used to get offended and now he just rolls with it to the point where he actually gets a little ridiculous because he, were some, we were out today and some guy was looking at me and he was like, I know you're not looking at my woman. And I was like, don't ever say that.

Clancy Denton (17:14)
sense of mistake.

Rick Denton (17:14)
We

should have brought the suns on the episode as well. There may have to be a second one. ⁓

Lisa Guzman (17:19)
Yeah.

Clancy Denton (17:23)
And how are they? Are they cool with the relationship and good with it?

Lisa Guzman (17:28)
They

are and fun fact, they were all here for Christmas, which was a feat in itself because my youngest is currently serving in the army, but he got leave. So he came in from Texas. My oldest is a veteran and he lives in Denver and my significant is in New York. So we literally had three different time zones coming here at the same time. So that was very exciting. And then they got to meet him.

And I told him that if he ever planned on marrying me that he would have to get my son's progression. And he was like, both of them? said yes. And he actually did ask them for my hand in marriage. ⁓

Rick Denton (18:12)
⁓

Clancy Denton (18:14)
Sounds

Rick Denton (18:14)
Well, congratulations.

Clancy Denton (18:15)
like things are progressing there.

Lisa Guzman (18:17)
Certainly

are.

Rick Denton (18:19)
That's awesome, Lisa.

Clancy Denton (18:20)
love

that. So, okay, to our listeners that are in that in-between space, you know, the kids are gone, life looks different, and, you know, they're not sure what's next. What would you want them to hear? What's one piece of advice that you would give someone that's kind of at that, you know, crossroads, know, you up and moved? And so what would be a piece of advice for them?

Lisa Guzman (18:49)
I would definitely say age is a state of mind. It is not something that you have to allow other people to define what that means for you. You can, and actually I feel like this is one of the best times of my life because I don't have the pressures that I had of rearing children because they do take a lot out of you. You have to put them first. You have to put their needs above your own.

⁓ And now you get to be selfish, which once you accept that that's a good thing, it's kind of fun. I can have cereal for dinner and no one's going to say anything about it. I can have my dessert before dinner. The rules don't apply anymore. So you kind of broken out of the matrix and you just do whatever. And it sounds scary, but once you start

you know, your toes out there looking for meet groups, you know, people who are interested in some of the same things you're interested in. It actually becomes like super glorious because I don't think about if I go out to an event, I have to hurry up back because I have to tuck the kids in. I come back when I come back.

Rick Denton (20:05)
or not come back at all. You never know where the evening is going.

Lisa Guzman (20:10)
It's so much fun and, you know, like I said, you don't have to be what other people define as older. You know, I realize now that I am the age that my aunts and uncles were. I'm the aunt now. But I try to be the fun aunt. So, like, I take my nephews out because I don't have any grandchildren yet. And I post pictures of them.

drinking Starbucks coffee, they're not actually drinking it. But I'm like the bad auntie, like I just do whatever. I'm I'm just having a ball. like, ⁓ I bought coloring books and we sit there and color together. Like really, I define my own life and I would encourage other people who are empty nesters, you get to define your life now. Like that is great. Like to even...

You know, for someone like me, I never imagined that I would make it to this age. And that's the truth. For a very long time, I aspired to 30. I if I can make it to 30, that would be awesome because of everything I had been through. And now I'm in my 50s and I feel like those Mario Brother games where you gain like extra lives. I've got, this is all gravy because I never even imagined getting to this place in my life. So.

Clancy Denton (21:32)
Okay, I have so many I have so many more questions. Okay, like I want to you going okay, but okay So you're talking so much about how much you love it right now Do you have fear and anxiety about being coupled up again? And you know

Lisa Guzman (21:47)
I mean, did, and I asked him some very pointed questions about how he saw us, how he saw our relationship in general, what he was looking for out of a relationship. Because I, and this is one thing I told him, which I think people might find a little strange, but I think it makes sense, is that you need to approach a relationship in some ways like a business.

Some people are like, that's not romantic. I'm like, you know what, bills aren't romantic. Groceries aren't romantic. mean, you know, and I think you need to have that part of it. So some of the things we talked about were, you know, what do you feel are women duties? And this was a trick question because if you say women duties are bought and ⁓ because there are none, know, if you, you know, you eat so you should know how to cook.

And I made sure my sons know how to cook because I said, no woman's going to come to you with some cheap fettuccine Alfredo and grab you. Like you can feed yourself. So she's going to have to come up more than that. I said the same thing with them. ⁓ And we talked about what the partnership means and understanding, you know, in a partnership, even in a business, you know, if you're partners, usually the person that has the strength in an area handles that area.

This is in another area. So we define within ourselves, like, what are our weaknesses? What are our strengths? And we talk about them very candidly. And so then we set up, you know, ⁓ one of us, I won't name names, is very bad with organizational skills. But I think, you know, having that self-awareness of being able to say, you know, this is where I'm good, this is where I'm so good. And we even talked about, like, with financials, that we're going to have, like, a monthly financial meeting once a month. Why won't we include it? But...

you know, those that you need to do as a couple. We also are developing a mission statement. And I think that's very important to do in our relationship, just as well as setting up, we're setting up like a few core values and making sure that those things stay in place. And if they need to change, we change them. But I feel like those are kind of like the North Star that will help us to be successful because

since both of us were married before, we kind of taken away what didn't work and how to do it better this time around.

Rick Denton (24:18)
Yeah.

Clancy Denton (24:18)
Yeah,

we had a guest on, Dr. Robin, and her whole basis was running your marriage like a business. And the mission statement was one of the things that she said, why don't you have a mission statement? Every company does. This is your life.

Rick Denton (24:33)
And we'll put her episode

in the show notes. And if you're watching on YouTube, you can click that card that's there, and that'll be her episode there. So just like Clancy said that she had questions now coming out of it, hearing you tell that aspect of entering this relation of the 50s, that feels like one of the biggest difference about dating in the 50s and getting into a serious relationship is the wisdom.

that you're bringing into that of, okay, yes, there is romantic love and that is a key part of it, but there's also just the simple fact of you're living life together and that's a business aspect of it. How are you, and maybe I should say are you, but I'll just say how are you trying to share that wisdom into your adult sons who don't have the benefit of that experience, but you do?

Lisa Guzman (25:17)
⁓ this has been something I have done even while I was married. I felt like because I did not learn a lot about relationships and the relationship that I grew up with in my home was clearly not what I wanted. ⁓ But I told, like my kids sometimes they said, well, how did you know to do certain things? And I said, honestly, I learned about parenting from

watching stuff like the Cosby show and Little House on the Prairie. Because they were, you the parents that I saw on TV, I kind of took what they did because I didn't have internet back then, didn't have a lot of things. So I said, okay, these are the things I did. And then I said, they were like, well, what if you run into a situation that you had experienced before? And I said, well, I would ask myself, what would my parents have done? And I did the opposite. And honestly, worked.

So I tell them to watch, I said, everybody's an example. They're either an example of what to do or what not to do. The wisdom is understanding which place they fall in. So I've always tried to give my children every piece of information that I could because when I went out at 17, I really didn't know anything. And that caused a lot of issues in my life. I tell them, for example, I even took my youngest to

his first credit union and opened an account and showed him how to balance a checkbook. And after that first time I took him, I never took him again. He went on his own. Cause was across the street. So he went across the street, did his little deposits, did his little whatever. And he liked the fact that they called him Mr. His last name. And he's like, they caught me. That's what they do. Um, well, I think.

Clancy Denton (27:08)
You

Lisa Guzman (27:12)
The most important thing with children is to teach them in real time, whether it's relationships or whatever. As you do whatever you think about, okay, let me tell them this is why I did XYZ. And then, and also be ⁓ open to exposing yourself with even your mistakes. ⁓ Because we want to present ourselves as perfect parents.

And I think what ends up happening is that your children end up thinking that they have to be perfect. And then they have a hard time coming to you when they mess up.

Rick Denton (27:46)
This one, Clancy, that's her... She has brought that... You talked about strengths. She really brought that transparency and that approach to parenting into our marriage and our parenting. And not just as the youngs, but even now as they are young adults and as we are empty nesters, the dividends are... We are receiving the dividends of the transparency that she deposited back then.

Lisa Guzman (28:10)
I have Lisa-isms and one of my Lisa-isms is children are a tree that you plant that you don't see fruit from for at least 18 years. And you have to understand that. You might not see it for 18, 20, but you still have to do all the watering and fertilizing and pruning, understanding that you're not going to get anything out of it usually.

18 years and some people don't have that patience for that and you need to have that patience because when you do have it, the dividends are unbelievable. Like I said, with my children coming at 32 and 23, like they're adults, they don't have to come visit me anymore. They could just be like, I'm doing my thing. They made sure they were here for mom and

My youngest, know who's a private so, know, private still make a lot of money. No, he bought me a hundred dollar

Rick Denton (29:15)
Boy that is well Lisa this has been Wow, I don't even have an adjective. This has been amazing. It's been insightful I even though you and I talked on another podcast and we talked before I've learned things about you and the wisdom that you Bring not just to the empty nest but to what you did before

Clancy Denton (29:37)
I know, I think you had mentioned to Rick that maybe you want to start a podcast sometime and I hope you do. And if you do, we will certainly promote that. is there a charity or anything that you work with for foster children that you'd like to promote or anything?

Lisa Guzman (29:54)
I actually used to work for a, because I like to work with local charities. when I lived in ⁓ Colorado, I used to work with a charity called The Place. And The Place is a shelter specifically for young people, teenagers and early 20s who don't have any place to live. They also work, so you can either stay at the shelter or you can, ⁓ they,

they help even people who aren't willing to stay at shelters. And sometimes people don't understand, they're like, why don't you just stay in the shelter? It's cold. It's because some shelters can be very rough, very violent. A lot of, you know, unsavory people can stay at shelters. And so, for example, they were doing an outreach for kids who didn't want to go to the shelter, but they were giving them sleeping bags. So then at least they would have something warm to keep them until they decided to come in. And so I...

They had a wish list on Amazon, which was perfect for me. Went on there, a bunch of sleeping bags because I figured, hey, I'm not just ordering a ton of sleeping bags. I'm helping 10 young people who are out of sleep. And then they'd also help those people who are now transitioning to their own place. And you know, you get your first own place, you don't have anything. And me, I am a hoarder of household cleaners. I don't know why.

But that's like my thing, if it's ever COVID, I'm gonna be smelling nice. But I donated a lot of washing detergent and fabric softener, those kinds of things that you might not always have the money for. So yeah, it's called The Place and they are in Colorado.

Clancy Denton (31:33)
That's great. That's great. And I love that. And anyone from Colorado listening, check that out. And I hope that will encourage some of our listeners to check out local places around them too as well. And I've heard the suitcase thing. I know that is a huge, huge one too.

Rick Denton (31:49)
So, we've got to like even our church has a mission that is targeting young adults who have aged out of foster care that that period like you're describing where you were homeless such a Forgotten period and so let this be an episode that inspires people to take a look at what's available in your area that you might be able to help support

Clancy Denton (32:07)
Yes, well Lisa again, thank you so much and guys we hope you enjoyed this episode of the loud quiet.