Connections Aren't Accidental - E62

Speaker 0  00:00
I did an experiment yesterday. On my walk, I was out walking in the morning, I said hello and waved to everyone, and I will say about 1/3 of the people said something back. Otherwise, no response. This is the loud quiet, living the empty nest. Hey guys, welcome back. Episode 62 of the loud quiet. Thank you so much. We found out this week that we reached over 2000 audio downloads, so that doesn't include video downloads. So yeah, that's, you know, great for us. For us, we're happy.

Rick Denton  00:34
It makes us feel good. We did start this just as a way for us to stay connected, but it makes us feel kind of good that at least well, at least there's 2000 of you that decided to listen to something or or, I guess, multiple times.

Unknown Speaker  00:47
Thank you to my parents.

Rick Denton  00:53
No, we've actually run into some people that have caught me off guard. Said, Oh yeah, no, I listen to one and people that aren't necessarily empty nest category, anything like that. So either folks are enjoying us or mocking us, but at least they're downloading us. Well, yeah,

Speaker 0  01:06
so we, you know, and this week, it was interesting because we actually had comments coming in on our YouTube, one of our shorts. And they were interesting. They were little trolley. Well, one, one was a little trolley, but

Rick Denton  01:23
so much fun. Yes, troll me. It's,

Speaker 0  01:26
yeah, at least they called you old guy and didn't say old lady. You're the old one in the group,

Rick Denton  01:33
that's right. And they put the laughy face there, so you know they weren't really but, oh, okay, in all seriousness, even if you are that person, thank you, because you've engaged with it and it was fun. And someone else said that they had had a similar experience as we put on one of our shorts with their wife. And that's really what we're actually looking forward, looking looking for is we do want y'all to comment. We do want to engage with you back and forth, and I promise we will, because we get to learn from you, and we can build a community of folks who are actually supporting each other or entertaining each other through the empty nest or beyond.

Speaker 0  02:09
Yeah, and we're open to, hey, why don't you guys talk about this? I interested in this. I want to know about this. You know, things like that. Just yeah, because right now, we just pull it from what's going on in our lives, which is really hope that it interests you.

Rick Denton  02:24
That's kind of what the emptiness life is, and that's what this week is as well. It's not that we came into this planned. We had planned to do it was a Duke alumni event down in Dallas. Down in Dallas, makes it sound like the Hicks, but we, as y'all have heard 1000 times already, we enjoy going down there and having a Duke excuse to go there was kind of nice as well. I've I and we have started to try to get a little more connected now that we've had the freedom of time to be able to do some of that, including, there's no way we would have gone to a happy hour in Dallas when Teagan was here in school, or you and I were still involved in things that were up here.

Speaker 0  03:02
I don't know that we would have done it if Tanner wasn't down there. And the reason for the event was the Duke SMU volleyball game. So it was a happy hour before the volleyball game. And

Rick Denton  03:14
so we did. We went down there a place called Chelsea corner. I was want to say Chelsea Market, Chelsea corner. And apparently it's been around in 74 it's another one of those places. I know we got a lot of folks that are here in North Texas. Check out these places. They're neat. And I know the folks that live in Dallas like, yeah, it's been around for decades. We

Speaker 0  03:33
know we just didn't do a lot on that side when we were dating. You know, we spent a lot of our time in deep element. Deep vellum went through its kind of rough patch, and now it's back. Yeah. So, you know, Tanner was just a concert down there on Thursday night. So we just didn't do a lot on the other side of 75 in that area, except restaurants. Yeah. So and,

Rick Denton  03:59
and we the Duke things we had actually started, and we did some volunteer things and that, and it was all with the idea of trying to build connections. We've talked about on here how it is hard as an adult, and I think it's even harder as an adult empty nester, to build friendships, to build connections. And so there's been a choice on our part to say yes to more of those kind of things. And this is one of those yeses that we chose to do. And it ended up being sure we met a few folks. It was, it was really kind of funny. You could tell very quickly by the physical stature of the adults in the room that it was definitely a lot of the parents of the athletes, which was I actually had a lot of fun talking to some of those parents to get their perspective. They weren't necessarily Duke people somewhere, but most of them just had their kids on the team, and it was a lot of fun to hear their stories. They one of the moms hosted the whole team at their house and Preston Hollow for a dinner together. And when you're watching collegiate athletics. On TV. You think of them as sort of the athletic bots that just performers on stage. These are humans. These are kids. These are kids in their teens and early 20s. That's kind of neat to hear. And I'm sure

Speaker 0  05:10
that the parents probably appreciated that there was something going on, because it gave them something to do before just, you know, flying in, going to the game. So I was talking

Rick Denton  05:20
to one of the dads, because he had said his younger child is in the traveling soccer seat team scene. And that got us talking about Tanner. And I had said, Yeah, I remember those days traveling with you know, when they were middle school or high school. I said, it's next level when y'all are doing this all over the country for college athletics. And yet, it was kind of the same too. Yes, it's big stage, NCAA, d1, that sort of thing. But it was just parents traveling together, and that was fun.

Speaker 0  05:50
So, yeah, it was fun. And we brought up the point that, you know, as we treated it as, you know, a yes, we like to meet people. We like to talk people, to talk to people. Now I will say I was not in the mood that night. It was rainy outside. It had been a long week. Everything was fine, but it just you were feeling a little under the weather. It was just a day that Tanner was in a mood, and we were all, or he and I were like, We don't want to be here, so we, like, stood in the corner, and we're like, but I will say, and we have said this about Tanner, what you now do in your 50s, he's already doing in his 20s. I know he is a master networker, like he

Rick Denton  06:47
is more than willing to walk across the room, stick a hand out, and that's what we were thinking, that we talk about connections, and the idea of making connections, and not just a business. This isn't just a business. That was the example that got us started. Y'all were the ones that were kind of, yeah, okay, go ahead. Y'all laughed at me, all right, Rick, if you want to meet people, it's your party over

Speaker 0  07:08
here in the corner with my drink and just observing.

Rick Denton  07:13
And there was a time after a lot of the parents had left, because they were headed to the they wanted to get to the game earlier than most the rest of us or and I saw a guy, so it was just walk across the room, hey, you're an alum, aren't you? And started talking, well, it so turns out that this guy is retired attorney, and still does some other but retired big law attorney. Well, then I kept doing the from across the room, like come over here, trying to nod at y'all. And what does Tanner do? Wanders over there and immediately starts making that connection. And it's something that I wish I had done better in my 20s. I wasn't awful at it, but I really tended to view that sort of stuff as I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to do this, I don't want to go to those things, and it probably shaped the career that I have that is in the more independent space. It's just later in life you realize that everything's based off of relationships. We're all humans and want to connect.

Speaker 0  08:09
Yeah. So, yeah. So it was, it ended up being fun and valuable for him, especially, and that couple that y'all were, or the man you were talking to and his wife later came up, you know, said, Oh, I'm gonna check out your podcast. Says we're empty nesters, right? So, you know, and

Rick Denton  08:28
who knows if y'all are listening, we may get y'all on the show someday. So watch out, it is, and it was, it was sort of comical after a bit that you and I just sort of after Tanner started this conversation, then you and I just kind of went away. It basically became tanners. He's going around and meeting the other attorneys in the room

Speaker 0  08:45
and yeah, and I hung out with the four year old that was in her it was her on address, like you're on my level in this group. So

Rick Denton  08:55
I'll talk to you. So yeah, see, you got to build connections.

Speaker 0  09:04
But yeah, it was, it was a fun evening. And then, you know, we just headed to a restaurant. We decided to not go to the game, but

Rick Denton  09:11
sorry, Duke volleyball. Yeah, we would have gone. And then

Speaker 0  09:16
headed back over to one of Tanner's friends houses. And I said, does he care that week? And he's like, No. He likes y'all come over. We're like, Okay,

Rick Denton  09:25
we do. I do have a little meter ticking in my head, though, because again, just like we celebrate being empty nesters, I would assume I'm getting inside my kid's head. They're enjoying being non parented young adults. And I said a little timer in my head of we'll be here for a few minutes. But then, even before they ask us to exit, yeah, we're gonna just make our way home. Yeah?

Speaker 0  09:47
And I just, you know, I love because the whole night, he's like, Yeah, I think I'm just gonna go home. I'm not gonna go out. Okay, yeah, no, he went

Rick Denton  09:55
out some band that they saw of a friend, and

Speaker 0  09:57
that's, and again, I have trick, because. We hang out with him so much. And their friends, I have to remind myself, they're 22 and 23 sometimes I feel that way when I'm with them, but I'm 50.

Rick Denton  10:14
I feel that way when I'm with them, and then I'm reminded the next morning that I am not in my 20s any longer. The nighttime, Rick can be a very 20s kind of guy. Morning, Rick is very 50s.

Unknown Speaker  10:32
You're the old guy. That's

Rick Denton  10:33
right, as has been pointed out in the comments, that inspired, though, a larger thought, when you and I don't even know where we were walking, or something along those lines, and maybe yesterday, when we

Speaker 0  10:45
were sitting out in the I don't know, because it was beautiful yesterday. Yeah, this

Rick Denton  10:50
is one of the two weeks that we get it, as I joke, the two weeks of beautiful weather in Texas. And, okay, so that was, it was business connection. It was kind of just fun connection, that sort of thing. But it tied in with something that we've been really focused on, especially the last week at church and others, just the What about neighborhood connections and not just building friendships, but this idea of, is there something that we and I'm saying you me, we, but also more global, we to do better about building connections, because it's not easy. No,

Speaker 0  11:25
it's not. And like you said, we this was our discussion this week in Life Group, and it was about neighbors. And you know, we have neighbors that have just recently moved in. I've waved to them, but 10 years ago, when our other neighbors moved in, I took cookies over there, I gave them phone numbers, you know, that kind of thing, you know, I don't tend to do that anymore, and I don't know, and I brought this up in group the other night. Is that, you know one thing now, we all have ring cameras. We all have, you know, I don't answer our door unless I know who it is when I see it on the ring camera. And you just never know what you're gonna get if you just randomly go up and knock on someone's door that you don't know.

Rick Denton  12:17
Do you do you think that? And I'm truly asking this sort of issue, do you think that we over index on that? Well, I don't know what's going to be on the other side of the door, whereas it's probably 98 or is it? Is it really 98% of the people are going to be welcoming of someone with a basket of welcome treats?

Speaker 0  12:34
Oh, I'm sure they would be totally welcoming. I think we use it as an excuse. Yeah, it's just an out that, yeah, I don't know, you know, and our neighborhood has definitely become very culturally diverse, and Sometimes you don't know what kind of greeting you're going to get.

Rick Denton  13:03
Is there a fear of offending? Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 0  13:10
Yeah, like, I mean, because, like I said, if there's someone knocking at my door and I don't recognize them, I'm not going to the door, right? You know? So and again, what is that device oriented? Now, there have been good things that we've had that, but, you know, it's almost it has. We have become a very much pull your car in the garage, go in your house and not out, you know, whereas 10 years ago, we were all out front, sitting in our chairs talking, and we still get together with our neighbors that we have those connections with, but I don't know that we've been the most welcoming to our new neighbors. Yeah, they're

Rick Denton  13:54
almost become sort of a well, I've got mine established, yeah, and so mine's established, so I don't really think about helping others get established. And that's not right. It's not right because we were new once, and because of the friendliness of others. And granted, when we moved in, everyone was new, so it's probably easier, but I think about our desire to perhaps move somewhere else. Wouldn't we want someone to come to the door we were it was in group that we were talking about, you know, it's, it's often the treats, it's the goodies. It's that sort of thing. One of the more value, most valuable things that could be offered along with that treat, that goodie, is, here's a list of service providers that we love and recommend. Here's a great lawn care person, here's a great plumber, here's a great handy person, all of that. Wouldn't that be awesome if somebody came to your door and said that?

Speaker 0  14:46
Well, like we talked about, you know, you used to have the welcome committee that was a part of your neighborhood, you know, even before HOAs were a thing, and they would come by with all the info. And all the you know, and like we talked about churches used to do that too. I don't know if churches even do home visits anymore,

Rick Denton  15:07
well, and they and that requires that someone has visited the church, for the church to know about it. Oh, well, that's what I meant. No, I know, I agree with you that actually, that's another layer. It requires that person to have done something, whereas the connecting that a lot of folks need is, I'm new here, and imagine somebody that truly did just move from Bangalore, you couldn't get further away, right? And they're living there, and they have no connectivity, or maybe not Bangalore, because there is a big community, but somebody that's moved from a country that doesn't have a lot of or someone that just moved from Minnesota, and they have no connections. They don't even know where to start. It takes somebody like not us, you me, but just someone to welcome them. And I don't know that we've done such a good job of that. No, I know we have,

Speaker 0  15:51
and I actually did, because we talked about this in group, and I actually did an experiment yesterday on my walk, I was out walking in the morning, I said hello and wave to everyone. And I will say about 1/3 of the people said something back. Otherwise no response. And

Rick Denton  16:08
I'll give you the counter input. The data point to that. Thankfully, on my trail, we walked the clans in our one separate trail. We don't walk together as a couple. We go our separate ways. On Saturday morning, I did get the friendly waves back. Thankfully, I have, though, had that same experience as you, and I think it's that's one of those that we could get discouraged with that, and instead we it's just a, almost a requirement plow through and build that. Because I think a lot of it goes back to even what we talked about last week, that to find that unity requires some level of connectivity. It's a lot easier to vilify somebody or something or some community that you don't know well, and without that initial outreach, be kind of hard to to build that relationship.

Speaker 0  16:55
Yeah, I think. And you know, everyone blames everything on COVID, but I think COVID did really because what we were stuck in our homes for, and you me were very happy when we could get back out and do things, but there's a group of people that they would want to live that way their entire lives. You know,

Rick Denton  17:18
I'm gonna, I'm gonna say COVID. And I think COVID, had it happened in the 60s, would not have created that result. COVID proved that a person could live a perceived satisfactory life because of the devices that exist that allowed that when COVID was removed as a reason, that they realized I don't actually need the outside world. And these are extreme, like we're describing extremes. Here it is. It is something that has been a crutch and has proven that technology leads to loneliness. There was an example that we had on the other side yesterday, and I was thinking about it when we our neighborhood had a Diwali festival. Our neighborhood has had a strong influx of South Asian community. And you and I walked over to see the Diwali festival. And it's hard to set this up if you aren't visualizing it, but imagine the festival is over in a parking lot outside of the neighborhood. The neighborhood pool, and between that parking lot is a grass field, and then there's a road. So Clancy and I are standing on the other side of the road. We're visible to everything. There's no There's no way people wouldn't be able to see us. But because of it, wasn't quite our culture, because there wasn't an actual event that had started yet. It was just people gathered. There was some food there, there was some music playing, but there wasn't an event yet. We didn't feel comfortable going over there. How would that have been different? If someone had seen us walked across and said, Hey, are you all new here? Or even if they just, do you want to know about the come over and head to the festival? I bet we would have been there. We might have been there for a while. Instead, we watched and listened to music. Said, Boy, what a vibrant culture. Those are some neat beats. And then turned around well.

Speaker 0  19:12
And I think sometimes it doesn't matter what group it is, yeah. I think sometimes groups put on things for their group, yeah, and, you know, oh, everyone is welcome. But like you said, I mean, and, yes, we didn't do anything to if we would have walked over, maybe across the street, maybe. But it, you know, it wasn't,

Rick Denton  19:36
I think it's, it's, and it's not out of malice. And I want to make sure that, no, no,

Unknown Speaker  19:40
no, that's, yeah, I'm

Rick Denton  19:41
agreeing with you. I'm just amplifying the point that I think it's not out of malice. I think it's all right, especially in a situation like that where you're talking about your sort of, the in theory, the outsider community, and you're having a celebration around kind of, your traditions, your culture, you're more thinking insular. This is a comfortable exact. Comfortable place to be. You're not looking outside. And I think that's what happens in the reverse of and it's not that we're the outsiders, but as this neighborhood is our place. We're comfortable here. We know what it's like. We aren't necessarily looking at that. You know, air quote, person across the street who is looking in, wondering, boy, I'd like to be connected to that. What's going on over there?

Speaker 0  20:22
Yeah, and I brought up this point, you know, I like we've talked about several times, you know, thinking about moving and stuff, and it's almost like I've mentally checked out of our neighborhood, minus our group that we are still connected with and will always be connected with no matter where we live. But, you know, I've just almost, I've almost already, in my mind, moved us to wherever we're moving, which is not right and and it's not like I just, you know, when you're not throwing out bird,

Rick Denton  20:59
everybody should drive to the neighborhoods. I mean, maybe you are. I don't drive with you all the time,

Speaker 0  21:03
but I think in my, you know, in my head, I'm like, Well, I don't really need to get to know anyone else, because we're not going to be here much longer, which, who knows? We could be here for another 10 years. We don't know.

Rick Denton  21:16
And that's it. When you told me that that was, I said I got kind of a counterfeit to that, and it was, I don't know that we're going anywhere soon. And every day that we don't act as connectors is a day that there's an opportunity that could be missed for someone to just have a better relationship, a better existence, a better just or be able to know that when their toilet leaks, they got somebody they can call sort of thing and and by the way, I'm not trying to say Oh, and look how awesome I am at this. I'm failing at this. It's the realization of, I haven't checked out because I just, I think that inertia is going to keep us so sticky that it'll be interesting to see what happens. I know this, even if we were to move a week a month a period from now, that's still, even in that week, that's still six days that there could have been an opportunity to meet somebody.

Speaker 0  22:11
Yeah, and I, you know, we were talking about neighborhoods and the people that live in apartments. You know, we're saying they don't see anyone you know, and that's Tanner hasn't met anyone that lives above him, below him, next door to, you know, he has a neighbor that they share kind of their little entryway. And I don't think he's ever, you know, he said he waved people at the mailbox, but, yeah, you know, I know it's just especially because he has a garage that he just goes in his garage and goes right out to his

Rick Denton  22:46
I didn't, I think back to, and this isn't even a technology statement. When I lived at Saxony there on Monfort, I didn't meet a single person, no,

Unknown Speaker  22:56
but we knew the girl next door, because she's saying we could hear her singing. We knew of the girl. We don't know who she was.

Rick Denton  23:04
I don't think I ever saw

Speaker 0  23:05
her. No, I don't either. That's what I was thinking. All I know is she's saying she liked to sing.

Rick Denton  23:12
Hey, there's a lot worse things one could hear through a wall. So I'm kind of glad it was just singing.

Unknown Speaker  23:18
But yeah, no, it's, you know, it's where people

Rick Denton  23:21
have talked about that the technology, the alleys, not not the neighbors, the alleys, but the the street, the alleys, the fact that you are always walking in your back door. I mean, I see my name, the neighbor that's across the driveway or the alley from US has lived there the exact same length of time that we have. I don't, I just

Speaker 0  23:41
wave. Now, I know I wave, and, you know, you mentioned the alleys, but the alleyways in the neighborhood. But what was so good about having those is that the kids loved it, because they had a huge they had three yards that they could go across, because we knew neighbors on, you know, on either side. And I think that is a huge factor, and bringing it back to the emptiness, what were we doing outside watching our kids play? Oh, hey, how are you welcome? You know, that was the majority of how we spent our time when they were younger, was and not at activities. They were out front playing. And so parents tend to be watching or out there too. That's how you meet people. And so once that element has been taken away, unless you have already established those relationships, we just aren't, you know, we sit out front. You guys sit out front on the porch, but we haven't done the only people that, really, I see out front are just people who are walking for exercise, and that's so, yeah,

Rick Denton  24:53
yeah, and that, and we talked about it before, and that's, it's going to be a. Continual real issue in the empty nest, and that is, how do you build those relationships without kids? And I think certainly finding activities and connecting through activities and that sort of stuff, I think it really is going to be a willingness to be, let's go back to that happy hour, a willingness to identify someone across the room and just take a risk and stick a hand out, yeah? Because that's how I met that person. It was a very safe environment. It's a Duke alumni hat, right? Structured in such a way that, right, nobody's gonna go, why are you talking to me? Yeah, I think that boldness, though, has to be required to build connections in the neighborhood in a in a different way.

Speaker 0  25:40
And I think that is a good point. Again. This was a organized event with people that you had similar or something, you had something, yes, with, you know, not like the drunk girl that was sitting next to us at the restaurant in Tucson, I cut her off and so, you know, but hey, she was trying to make a connection.

Rick Denton  26:11
So she around alcohol.

Speaker 0  26:16
Sometimes people need the the little bit of liquid courage to get them, get them going. But I you know, I do. I think if we can help in the empty nest, if we can help those of us who have adult, young adult children, develop that skill, it will benefit them in ways that they don't even realize that.

Rick Denton  26:44
I mean, absolutely, because I know now I won't say that my career was stunted or anything like that. It went a different direction. There's an amplification the career could have had if I were a better connector. Early on, I didn't recognize that need. My dad was a physician, right? He had a practice, and only later in life did I realize, well, actually, he had to do connections too, because when he was starting his practice, he went and met pediatricians. Hey, pediatricians, I'm new in town. If you got kids that have ear issues, I've got a, you know, ear, nose and throat office. So even my perception of my lone wolf vision of my dad and his entrepreneurial sense wasn't true either.

Speaker 0  27:24
And I think because almost in our category of age, sometimes the people that were really good at that, you saw them as just cheesy douche bag sales people, you know,

Rick Denton  27:44
because they were looking for a transaction, looking for a gain, rather than a connection.

Speaker 0  27:47
And so I think that kind of turned people off can turn people off, but if you're doing it genuinely, and, you know, I think in the back of our heads, if you're doing something like, you know, I didn't say, at an event like we were at, you are looking for, you know, Tanner got some great, two great connections, both in the law world that, you know, but he doesn't do it. And I've said this, he's a douche bag, but he's not an a hole and so, you know, and

Rick Denton  28:23
I think it comes down to confidence. There's confidence. And I sincerely think that he is looking to meet a person, period, end of sentence, yeah, if there is a a transactional value that comes out of that meeting, great, he would not feel disappointed in a conversation with someone if there weren't a transaction that a value that is exchanged. And I think that's the there's two ways. There's a great book called give and take and brain farting, whether it's Gladwell or one of the it's one of the names that's out there, but it's give and take, and it's the idea that who are the ones that succeed most in business, and you'd think that it's the No, of course, it's not the takers, because people are annoyed with them, and it's definitely not the givers because they're just sacrificing themselves. It's got to be the the give and take back and forth. It's not. It's actually the people that go into every conversation with the spirit of, what can I give that other person that end up having better career trajectories. I think that can be true too, in the empty nest post career relationship, instead of, you know, I see the neighbor across the street and think, Oh, good, I can get them to be a listener on the loud quiet, which I don't, that's silly, but let's say that I did that, as opposed to, Hey, neighbor, you're new here. How can I help you? Right? If you have that spirit, it's totally different. And I see that in Tanner's not necessarily he doesn't have much to give right now. I do think that he has figured out that the art of meeting people is about meeting people, period, end of sentence, not looking for any objective out of it. Sorry. I'll get off my soapbox. Wow, so

Speaker 0  30:01
So go read, give or take, but there's the challenge for us. And again, we did have that challenge from our one of our pastors. You know, what are you going to do this week to meet a neighbor? I didn't necessarily meet a new neighbor, but like I said, I did. I did the experiment, and I and when I was somewhere, I was I was generally, this week, trying to be smile on my face, because I do have RBF so and those of you who don't know what that is, you can look it up. But I really did try to smile more at people, just in the store, in the wherever I was. I really did try this week to be better about that. And that's

Rick Denton  30:57
it's the try. It's the conscious choice. Because if we live in our own mental bubbles, our own physical bubbles, will never break out. But that conscious choice, that person that you smiled at might have had a massive impact on their life, and you'll never know it, and that's not the point of it. But if more of us were to do that,

Unknown Speaker  31:17
the world would be a happy

Rick Denton  31:18
cut that out. Can I cut that out?

Unknown Speaker  31:23
We'll end it on a hey,

Rick Denton  31:27
so I can just strike anything you and I do not do a lot of editing, that's for sure.

Speaker 0  31:32
So there you go. Connections. Try to make a new connection this week

Rick Denton  31:38
and tell us what that connection was, how about that? Make a connection with us. Sorry, that was too transactional. Never mind. Just go out and meet somebody. Yes,

Speaker 0  31:48
all right, there you go. Thanks again for listening to the loud, quiet, living the empty best.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai