My Empty Nest Shopping Spree Needs To End E161

Clancy Denton (00:00)
Today on the Loud Quiet, my empty nest shopping spree needs to end. Hey guys, welcome to the Loud Quiet. Today, I guess you could say is going to be a true confessions episode.

That was a show on T V called True Confessions, I think. I think that

Rick Denton (00:20)
Sounds

like an T V after dark. I don't know that I watched that one.

Clancy Denton (00:23)
The subject today is shopping and

Am I addicted to shopping or is it just a phase?

Rick Denton (00:38)
I think this will be interesting to unpack a little bit.

Clancy Denton (00:41)
Yes, this will be interesting to unpack good choice of words since there's been a lot of unpacking of boxes going on.

Rick Denton (00:50)
I may or may not have made some side comments about the volume and the frequency of package arrival.

Clancy Denton (00:58)
You I will say when we get into it, no, you have not, and that's and there's been places and times that we've been out that you've encouraged me to buy stuff. So it you know

Rick Denton (01:12)
End

of episode It's All Rick's fault. Thank you for listening to the loud quiet.

Clancy Denton (01:16)
That's

not what I'm saying. I'm saying that you have not.

Rick Denton (01:19)
Alright, well let's talk about this.

Clancy Denton (01:21)
This has been a time I love fall. I love fall and winter clothes. I don't like being cold, but I love the clothes of fall and winter more than my summer clothes. I have also been going through a big body physical transition or had and

Basically, I told you it's like all of my clothes were destroyed in a fire. Right. And I've had to start completely over. I have been, yes, trying to r replenish my closet and

Rick Denton (02:05)
Yeah.

Clancy Denton (02:08)
And it's because the weather has gone below a hundred and forty degrees. I've always done some seasonal bursts that just happens because you need a new pair of boots or you need a new and and you know, I buy stuff for you. I buy stuff for the kids.

I'd it'd be interesting to know if I had started or if I didn't do this all at once, if I had done it over the few months of fall, would you have even noticed?

Rick Denton (02:41)
I think so because as we're talking about observing this, I don't think the packages just started showing up in fall. You mentioned the body changes, and I think that triggered a lot of the purchasing pace, but it's not just clothing, right? I mean there's other things that are showing up at the house and and other things that are filling the porch in a way that isn't just fall clothing. So yeah, it's been going for a few months that I think the Amazon

And packages rate has gone up.

Clancy Denton (03:12)
Okay, but some of that you can't 'cause a lot of that is household stuff that we need. I mean, no, it it's n I'm specifically talking about the clothing stuff. And, you know, yes, that is a way now that, you know, if you're trying to hide I have not been trying to hide any of those.

Rick Denton (03:32)
We don't we don't play that or at least if you play that game you play it really well 'cause I don't know it.

Clancy Denton (03:38)
If you were trying to hide something though, Amazon is a great option because you don't know what it is. So

Rick Denton (03:46)
yeah, when we get into talking about I have just I have discovered that you can download your Amazon data. We'll talk more about that later.

Clancy Denton (03:56)
But the packages that show up, you don't know. Is it cat litter or is it a new pair of shoes? But yes, I know. And another thing is, we were on a vacation with many hours in a car, which I was with one of my friends, and we were going back and forth, like, my gosh, this is cute, this is cute, ordering things, sitting in the back seat.

Rick Denton (04:21)
Wanna

I okay, I wanna talk about then what are the sort of triggers to this, whether you call it a burst or in my observation it's been a little longer than a burst, but this increase in volume of shopping that has gotten to a level that we're going to discuss today, you mentioned two triggers. One is the season, and that's relatively recently, right? That the weather changed. You mentioned the body changes, and we've talked about that in a prior episode. I'll link it. Y'all can go check out that prior episode. There's some other you just mentioned another one. And

And we talk about peer pressure in a high school sort of sense, but I think there's just relational, not peer pressure, but peer encouragement.

Clancy Denton (05:00)
Sure. And we're both seeing the same things coming across our feed. And it seems like this year, and I don't know if it's because I'm on TikTok more this year timing wise than I was last year. But yeah, there's so many cute trends. And I'm like, that's so cute. I'm gonna, you know, yes, let me link that and go see where I can find it.

It's coming across my feed and it's so easy to it's easy now for me to just say, that's cute. Let me see if they have it in my sides. I'm gonna order it because I was discussing how I have never in my life been at a point where I can go into a dressing room and try on everything that I took back with me and it all looks good.

That may sound super vain and obnoxious, but it does. It's gotten to the point where I'm like, I I'm not putting hardly anything back unless it's just too big. And so I've never had that feeling before. And it's nice, but yes, it can get you into trouble too.

Rick Denton (06:19)
Think I want to talk about that a little bit more, but there was something that you mentioned, and that what you mentioned, I think I'm on TikTok more. And you and I have talked both on the show and away from it, how addictive TikTok is designed to addict you. And I have found it interesting observing over the last year as you've gotten more involved in that platform, how things show up from TikTok that never would have shown up. And

The fact that you also talk about how easy it is, the frictionless aspect of this, and and I and I don't think I don't want to exaggerate here and and apply this exaggeration to you, but there's almost a mindless aspect of it that and I don't mean that in the sense of stupid, but I just mean in the sense of you there's just not a time that is introduced in the observation to consideration to purchasing to fulfillment process that introduces any friction. So no one needs to even

Add a thought to it.

Clancy Denton (07:19)
I used to have to either get up and go get the credit card or at some point I had the credit card number memorized because when you used to have to type it in so many times, now it's just Apple Pay. Apple Pay. Yeah. I mean it's right there all

Rick Denton (07:37)
I think a lot of our conveniences that we love so much, and I do love it. I when I order pizza, my gosh, if it's not Apple Pay, I sometimes abandon the order because I'm not getting up to get I'm so lazy that I can't even get my food that it's the next level that I can't even get up to get the credit card to allow someone to bring me the food. That ease and that convenience that and it's like a lot of things. Shopping's not bad, feeling confident about yourself's not bad. All of these, and not just you, I'm talking about the general you. None of those are bad.

But those conveniences can take to a point that it starts to feel extreme. So when it's that easy, suddenly things start to flow.

Clancy Denton (08:16)
Talking about convenience, I am a Walmart shopper or grocery shopper. I've always been a Walmart grocery shopper. I've added H E B in there and Trader Joe's now, but typically if I need just the basics, I go to Walmart. Well, I would come home every now and then with some piece of clothing from Walmart, and you were like, Can you please not buy clothes at Walmart? Because okay, Walmart was not seen as a place for fashion.

Rick Denton (08:45)
From a reputation perspective, one hundred percent.

Clancy Denton (08:48)
And but I have loved their workout clothes since they first brought them out, and they last longer than Nike, Lululemon. Anyways, just there's a plug. They got a new creative director this year. And the clothes and I had already started buying a few things from this one line that they carry, but now they've introduced two new lines, and the stuff is very cute. So

when I'm in there shopping for our groceries, let me just browse through the clothing section and throw so the convenience factor of that I don't even have to go to the mall anymore. I can go to

Rick Denton (09:25)
So you're getting cucumbers and a crop top in the same basket.

Clancy Denton (09:28)
Yeah. I don't buy crop tops. Okay. How

Rick Denton (09:30)
Yeah, but I like alliteration. Okay.

Clancy Denton (09:33)
about a cucumber and a cardigan? 'Cause I did buy a cardigan, so

Rick Denton (09:38)
As he just slumps down into his own.

Clancy Denton (09:40)
I

I bought that weeks months ago. So

Rick Denton (09:45)
Okay. The the convenience aspect of it, you said something interesting in there. How would you know that there was a new creative director at Walmart? TikTok. Bingo.

Clancy Denton (09:54)
Yeah. I haven't stepped foot in a Marshalls in ages. And I saw this one jacket and I was like, I have to have that jacket. And I actually had already ordered something else off of Amazon that looked like it. And then I was in Marshalls and I saw the jacket and I was like, I really wanted this one, but I didn't get it. But then I went back the next day and got it and it was still there. I was like, Thank goodness in my side.

Rick Denton (10:19)
So people talk about delayed gratification. You're describing the exact opposite, like delayed anti gratification.

Clancy Denton (10:24)
I delayed it twenty four hours.

Rick Denton (10:26)
Okay.

So we laugh, but there are these real criteria, these real inputs that are creating a behavior that can be good, but you started to realize, okay, this has now gone to a degree that is beyond what might be just good. How did you realize that?

Clancy Denton (10:52)
I think I had bought something that one I already had something that looked exactly like it and I was like, okay, that's bad, which I returned. And

I I started getting the feeling of all right, I gotta stop. Again, I don't shop at places that are high end. That's not me. I've you know, I mean we had our Nordstrom phase where we would go to the anniversary sale and do all that stuff, but like a billion years ago. Yeah. But

I don't like to spend a lot of money on clothes because I don't know if I'm gonna like it the next year or if it's gonna be on trend. And so even though I wasn't spending a lot of money on things, I even got to the point that I was like, Okay, this is this is too much. You know, immediately when I would see something, I'm like, ooh, I really want that. And I think it just hit me that.

I have to stop.

Especially just scrolling and buying because I don't I haven't really gone into the stores all that much this time. I've everything pretty much 75% of stuff that I bought has been from online. And so I noticed that. And then when I heard you open the door and you're like, my gosh, because there was like a pile of Amazon boxes.

And then the next day you're like, here's another package. I was like, Okay. I know it needs to stop. And we had had a conversation that yes, we have had a lot of fun these past year and a half. We've gotta tone it down on on other things too.

Rick Denton (12:52)
We did have a spending conversation. I wanna come back to that because absolutely that's a a key part of that. But you said all of these things before spending became a part of it in your head. Like you said I I realized it w like what triggered I I know the the me observing the package and I I I do wanna talk about some of the things that were in my head, but you you heard me snark about that package. My

Clancy Denton (13:15)
Closet

is jammed full. I'm having like is it that? I'm having to I had to come upstairs and grab a shoe shelf out of one of our kids' rooms to add so that I could put some new shoes. Now I will say this my line of work before is very different than what I'm doing now. All I needed for work before was my workout clothes, tennis shoes.

And which I have always had a love for tennis shoes and sneakers. That's what usually filled my closet. Now we're having to do some appearances and events that I need other types of clothing that I didn't need. Like I would never be in this in the middle of the day on a Tuesday.

Rick Denton (14:08)
I think that's that is a interesting observation in that yeah, the the n the need has definitely changed. I think what you're describing though is that there's a need category that is being filled, but then it went certainly beyond that aspect of it. And so little signs like that, like the closet. I I think about it's almost like shopping is one of those addictions that everybody's like, ha ha, you know, that's funny, right? Until it I mean, there are people that have really ruined lives, but that's not what we're talking about here.

It's always interesting to me when there are vices that are discussed that are sort of discussed with a wink and a smile. But if we were talking about alcohol, if we were talking about food obsession, or if we were talking about like an addiction to adrenaline or all the things that get people in trouble. So I think it's just interesting that there's well, we're talking about shopping. There's so many of these other categories that people can fall into that

Maybe society doesn't really provide sort of the structure around it to say, hey, maybe we shouldn't be doing that. Heck, everything you describe is encouraging this behavior.

Clancy Denton (15:16)
Yeah, well and you know, I get that I do. I can see why shopping is an addiction. You get that high when you buy something or you find something that's so cute and I'm so excited to wear this. you know, I mean, I like this outfit that I have on, you know, and yes, I and then I have a husband who when I put things on, like the other night, you're like, my gosh, you look like you just stepped out of the cover of a magazine. Okay, well

That's nice to hear. Yeah. It's nice, you know when I was in the mall last week returning things, I you know, people were complimenting and like, my gosh, your style's so cute. You know, this lady was like, I love your jacket. Where'd you get you know? So yeah, that feels good. And again, like

Rick Denton (16:06)
Nothing wrong with feeling good. It's yeah, it's it's the sources of it and what that looks like.

Clancy Denton (16:10)
And

like I said, I can finally wear the clothes that I've wanted to wear for so long. And it makes me happy. Yeah.

Rick Denton (16:21)
I I have to imagine that there's an element that really gets at some of the things 'cause you've talked about it on this show that body image has always been something that you've been challenged with or as just a part of your life and the the experiences. And so to be on this side of it, to get those compliments, have to be

Boosting in a way that helps reinforce purchasing the next thing. Yeah.

Clancy Denton (16:46)
But I'm done. I d I don't and and actually I was walking with my friend this morning and we were talking about how I said I don't even stop any like I just I'm trying to get those out of my algorithm so I just scroll past the look you know, look at my haul from Marshalls, look at my haul from H and S you know, whatever. I've just scrolled past now so that hopefully it'll just get it out of my fiend. But I d haven't You know

I haven't purchased anything since I told you I'm done purchasing.

Rick Denton (17:20)
Well you know it's interesting you're

Clancy Denton (17:21)
Except I do need one I do need one pair of black shoes because the ones that came yesterday didn't fit. I have to return them. So that is the last thing on my list.

Rick Denton (17:30)
It will be interesting to see if the algorithm does what you want it to do. Because I remember when I quit Facebook and essentially just put it away. I didn't deactivate an account because I just put it away. It was shocking to me how many emails started coming in about, hey, did you see this on Facebook? Hey, did you see that? ads were served to me on other platforms for Facebook.

Because I was a business person, so I was always on LinkedIn. I was shocked by how many Facebook ads. So almost like if you turn your back to the devil, then he comes after you harder kind of thing. It'll be really interesting if they're like, Wait, this person spent X per month through our platform. Now she's spending twenty percent of what that X was. Well, where'd she go? Let's get her back.

Clancy Denton (18:19)
That's an interesting point because what you just said about this person spent this amount of money. I actually got an email from one of the companies that's like, Hey, would you like to start posting for us and, you know, talking about your purchases? That's funny. I was like, that that's probably a red flag.

Rick Denton (18:41)
Yeah.

Walk away, walk away. Yeah, and I mean we're talking about your shopping, but it like I get fed travel destinations. And so what is my I'll almost always say yes to. Hey, let's book that flight. Let's get this hotel. Let's go, let's go to this meal, let's get this cocktail. So this is while we're certainly focused on shopping, the reality is any of us can fall into a well, you and I talked about say yes all the time. Well, sometimes you actually need to say no. And this is a case where it sounds like you're realizing.

Say no is the right path.

Clancy Denton (19:11)
Yeah, that you know, there are guys that love to shop, you do not, but you would not have a stitch of clothes if I didn't shop for

Rick Denton (19:20)
no, I'm gonna be neck it in a year because if you really do cut back your shopping, then I'm gonna everything's gonna be falling. I mean, there are without exaggeration, there are clothes hanging in my closet that I have had for well over a decade, and some of them maybe even decades.

Clancy Denton (19:34)
And I have some of those things too. Yeah. I do. I I mean now I

Rick Denton (19:39)
Challenge to see if some of those pants fit, but I'm not trying those on. we're not gonna

Clancy Denton (19:44)
To the food discussion.

Rick Denton (19:47)
No, we're not we're not talking about me.

Clancy Denton (19:49)
Okay.

Rick Denton (19:50)
Nope. I am off the table.

Clancy Denton (19:55)
So, I mean, you talked about I don't know how deep you want to get into what you were thinking, but I mean I think you kinda said some of the things.

Rick Denton (20:06)
Well, but I didn't. So this is this is an area where I think I fell short as a spouse. That I have always been a conflict avoider. I think it's just my personality is is just not one that likes conflict and will do anything I can to either find a joke that gets through that or a peacemaker kind of way or just simple avoidance.

Clancy Denton (20:31)
Well, and that's both of us. Neither one of us. We're both

Rick Denton (20:34)
I think you're better at no, I think you're more direct than you give yourself credit for. You are not the most direct

Clancy Denton (20:41)
Like it.

Rick Denton (20:42)
but that's different than being willing to do it. I it was clear to me that there were way too many packages showing up at a certain point. It was also clear to me that the algorithm was influencing you to do things that were beyond what you would have typically done in the past. Nothing individually bad, but collectively

It was clear that there was a volume that probably was more than even you would want to do, but you were just in the midst of this. And as you pointed out, if nothing is individually expensive, then it becomes easy to justify, especially when spread out over a period of time, that you don't necessarily realize how much is going towards a particular category. And that can be, that is not just a Clancy shopping thing. That is

A Rick dining thing, a Rick travel thing. Like all of those things are true if they're individually not over the top. I'm the one that manages the finances in the house. I every week will categorize transactions and just make sure that there's no fraud and all the things to keep our life in balance. It was clear to me by the volume that there was a spike that was more than what I'll just use where should be doing, but that even that has a wide definition.

I didn't step up and say anything. And it took you saying, Hey, I've got this idea for a podcast episode to open the door for me to be able to say, Hey, we need I think there's a conversation we have. That coupled with a spending conversation that we've had, a recognition that it is time to reduce our spend. Well, that's my job. I'm the if I'm the CFO of this family, then

I need to be presenting reports to the CEO, to the president, to whatever our roles are, and say, hey, in this category we've CEO

Clancy Denton (22:39)
What am I?

Rick Denton (22:40)
and I'll pick president. I don't I don't really care. But yeah, we're we're we're individual roles in this family, and that's the one that I have. And I didn't ever present a report, whether that's literally a report, but have that conversation with you. I instead used passive aggressive techniques of man, that's a lot of packages.

here's a stack for you again. Huh, is this mine? Nope, that's not mine. look, it's Clancy's. All of that are things that I did and I did consciously in the subconscious hope that you would pick up on there's too many. And that was the wrong way to do it.

Clancy Denton (23:14)
And that's when I was like and I told you I was like, okay, there's one thing coming Thursday and or you know, I was like, this is well, I just haven't heard it.

Rick Denton (23:25)
And that shows a fail here we are, empty nesters. We celebrate our twenty sixth anniversary, and I'm still trying to figure out how to bring up issues that bother me or that I think are problematic to allow us to have a discussion and all I'm worried about is is this going to be a conflict? And that's not right. Yeah.

Clancy Denton (23:46)
I mean, I get it. And that's why I

I knew that

I knew that w it this was gonna become a bigger issue if I didn't stop, which again I have, but I also knew I needed to acknowledge it to you. That's why I came with the podcast episode idea to kind of get into that conversation. I did tell you, I was like, look, I know, you know, and this is what's left that's coming, and that's it.

So

Rick Denton (24:26)
I don't think that that's it would actually be that that's it. And I have nothing I'm not talking about your self discipline. I'm just talking about humans in general until it's exactly what you said you did, until I brought it to the surface. It is amazing how any behavior that is detrimental, whatever it is, and there is a range of bad behaviors that are out there, the moment it gets exposed in the light, it dies. Yeah.

Clancy Denton (24:53)
Yeah. And and I will tell you, it's going to be hard for me because I've been on this cycle, but I know I'm thinking, you know, I'm like, okay, I should only go to the place that sells shoes to get the pair of shoes that I need instead of Nordstrom Rack that has clothes and shoes that I could bri you know, so I I'm

putting parameters on and the same thing with the scrolling.

Rick Denton (25:26)
Well, so let's talk about that. Let's let's bring this to so now what? And what can and I hate saying that what can you do? What can we do? But really it's not even just this category. What are things that can be done when a behavior is not what a behavior is what you want it to be? What can be done? Specifically for this, but in general too.

Clancy Denton (25:46)
Well

I have a very hot cold response to

Obsessions, whatever you want to call them. Exercise has always been an obsessive thing for me. But at a time that I know I can't be doing it, I shut it off. You know, I've actually in this last since well, since COVID, we actually some studies came out and things were like, you know, we're pushing too hard back. Yeah. And so

I have done that. Same with diets that I've done over the years. If I say I'm not gonna eat this, I'm not gonna eat it. Yeah. So I have that ability to turn it off. Yeah. And so I have said it out loud. I am done, minus the pair of black shoes. So I am done. Now

That may not stop me from buy 'cause I'm like, Okay, you probably need a few things. I know Teagan, we need to shop this week when we see her because she's got some events coming up. You know.

Rick Denton (27:05)
Those are specifics. Well actually, no, I want to separate the two there. Teagan is a specific. Senior photos. That is a very clear and defined need.

Clancy Denton (27:15)
Yeah,

and good Lord, that will take longer than trying to find something for that child that she likes.

Rick Denton (27:22)
Introduce

friction, right? So there's a second like I think a second parameter. But I do want to talk about what you said about there's some things that you need. Clancy, there is it is unlikely that there is anything that I actually need. Well, right. And and I think there could be a a risk of the shopping desire being scratched by shopping for others that what you just said out there is no, let's talk before you buy anything. Because I love it when you buy stuff for me. But you know what? Let's turn that spigot off too, because I do like the stuff that shows up.

But let's turn that spigot off. Yeah. I I think friction is another area that you've said, hey, look, I'm just not going to be, I'm going to flip past those and hopefully the algorithm will readjust or those kind of things. I think there's even a way that, and I'm speaking of this sort of generally, but when I introduce friction, it at least introduces a way to pause. We've heard things like put your credit card in the freezer. Well, that didn't matter in a digital world, but maybe what if what if I turned off Apple Pay on the things that I buy?

What if you turned off Apple Pay and it forced you? Son of a I gotta stand up and find that credit card? Okay. That I think friction is another key part of this.

Clancy Denton (28:31)
If this was an extreme, then yes, I can see doing that. It it's not to that point and it's not going to get to that point. So I just basically, like I said, I was starting from not very much for this fall and winter season. And I I needed certain things, but then I wanted certain things. And so yes, I pushed the envelope a little bit, but

Rick Denton (29:00)
But that's what we're talking about, how to try to pull that back and agreed with you. It's not that far. But now I'm even speaking more general. I think a third category is transparency. We have done a phenomenal job of tracking our spend. We have done and and by we, I mean I have done a poor job of reporting our spend. We're talking about shopping on this episode, but I guarantee, because I already took a look at it, if we looked at travel and if we looked at dining, which are two categories that while I'm not the

Only person pushing it. I would say that I'm the heavier pusher of those. We're gonna see that those categories have an opportunity to pull back as well. yeah. And it's that transparency. We've done the work. Now let's just be brave enough to have the conversation with each other about this is what we are spending. And let's pull that back a bit. Yeah.

Clancy Denton (29:50)
The frequency of those things have exponentially gone up in the past couple of years, dining and travel. And we're going to restaurants that we would have never gone to as five years ago. Right. As frequent.

Rick Denton (30:09)
Things that are special occasion restaurants have morphed into regular dinner. Hey, it's a Tuesday, want to go to dinner kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. And and I also don't want to over-index on this too. I think there's a risk of going ditch to ditch. You talked about being very on and off in some of these. I don't want to suddenly not do things with family members. I don't want to suddenly not do things with friends. I think

If there's a word that is overused but is really true here, it's balance. And I think that's where things like friction and transparency really help us find that balance.

Clancy Denton (30:49)
And we're by no means going to ramen and bologna sandwiches. I mean

Rick Denton (30:54)
Don't

disun ramen. I'll go give me some ramen. Now take the bologna sandwiches out though.

Clancy Denton (30:58)
Yeah.

Like I said, we've had a lot of fun this last year and a half. And it's time to just it's time to just start thinking about some things before we're just like, Yes, let's do it. Yes, let's do it. yeah, book that trip. yeah, let's go, you know. So Yeah. And I think there's probably a lot of people that are in that situation, especially, you know, if you've got kids in college, if you have kids out of college, but you're having to also help them because you know the

Rick Denton (31:31)
'Cause life is way too expensive to launch these days. So yeah, getting your kids launched is something a lot of families are doing.

Clancy Denton (31:37)
There's a lot of factors that contribute to this. Now, I will say, if you do still have some shopping time, our book is still available and would make a great Christmas gift.

Rick Denton (31:54)
It's sub twenty dollars.

Clancy Denton (31:56)
Yes, it is. And you can get that at Amazon or go to our website, theloudquiet.com. We'd love for y'all to get a copy and share that with someone who is

about to become an empty nester if their seniors going into their last semester of high school, that'd be a great Christmas gift for somebody or for yourself.

Rick Denton (32:17)
Clancy, I we don't normally do this, but I'll say I admire your willingness to have this transparency here. This is a a difficult conversation. And then I know that a lot of it's focused on you. I've got my spending and other obsessive flaws as well, but your willingness to do this, well, it's kind of nice to actually watch you do that. So I I appreciate that. And then listeners, I hope that you all appreciated it as well. Thank you for listening to the loud quiet.