Relationship Check In for Empty Nesters Part 2 E155

Rick Denton (00:00)
This week on the Loud Quiet, Relationship Check In for Empty Nesters Part two. Continuing our five love language discussion, we'll find out what our lowest love language is and have relationship conversations about the future.

Clancy Denton (00:14)
So let's mention what the five are before we talk about what our bottom one is. So it's words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. And you have to look at like receiving gifts doesn't equal gift giving. Th those are the things you have to think about. Like I love to give gifts. I love to give gifts and I love to give it when it's a special something.

And I also like giving extravagant gifts. But receiving gifts used to be one of my highest, and now it's kind of middle tier, but I still do enjoy sentimental, very thoughtful gifts. So just there's different ways you have to look at it. Which my lowest was physical touch. And I don't think that's changed.

Rick Denton (01:08)
Yeah.

Clancy Denton (01:10)
I don't know.

'Cause it's n and again, that makes me sound like I don't want anyone to ever touch me ever. When you take this quiz, it's like do you prefer this or this? So you're picking one or the other. Yeah, you're picking one or the other.

Rick Denton (01:33)
Slider scales, it forces you.

Clancy Denton (01:35)
And that's just how I for me, that's how I receive love.

I don't

I don't want to say I don't need that because I do need that and we get

A good amount of it.

Rick Denton (01:55)
Ooh, a good amount. that's interesting.

Clancy Denton (01:58)
Well certain aspects. No, yep.

Rick Denton (02:00)
You talk about you.

Clancy Denton (02:03)
But it's hard for me and it didn't used to be. When we were dating, we were had physical touch all the time, and even probably young married. I don't know if having the kids took away some of that, that I've been touched all day by them. I don't necessarily want to be touched.

And again, it makes me sound like I'm some cold hearted don't touch me and that is not the case.

Rick Denton (02:33)
Well yeah, you don't flinch when I put a a hand on your shoulder or back.

Clancy Denton (02:39)
But

And this is where it's a shortcoming for me because I know this one is high on your list. I hug and love on our kids so much. Now we have one that this is her lowest too. But I don't do that as much with you. Just random.

Touching. Like if we're in the kitchen and I just come up and put my hand on your back, I don't do that because I don't think that way because it's not my love language. Yeah. Now the

of being physical with each other. I think on that arena we're

Rick Denton (03:30)
Every time it's sex.

Clancy Denton (03:31)
Yes. I was trying to say it nicer, but yes, sex. And if you saw our one of our clips from this week, we were talking about that anyways on another podcast. I think in that area, we're doing much better than we have in other times of our sure marriage. But yes, I realize that because it's so low for me, and this is where you have to think about it from your partner's perspective.

Rick Denton (03:59)
That's why these are valuable to to be the conversation forcing hand that it that it is, because it is so important to me. It is a very close tied second. now, like it said, if in a forced world, words of affirmation win. But this is is up there. I think that's what's important though, and you were starting to call that out that physical touch is not just sex. I think when I read this book back then, it was more about the

The fooling around kind of touch. And that was never really complete way of thinking for me. And it's not. There is affectionate touch. That is the hand on the shoulder. That is the arm around the waist, that kind of thing. There's there is romantic touch, right? That leads into the whole category of sex and physical intimacy in that regard. But other elements of touch, comforting touch, expressive touch, protective, playful, all those kind things.

There's even a spectrum that there's touch that I just don't even care for. I if he gave me a high five, that would just feel weird. That's expressive touch.

Clancy Denton (05:04)
Yeah. Or if you came up and tickled me or I f I ticked no. That's just it's just those are weird. They're weird.

Rick Denton (05:09)
Weird. Well, no, they're not weird. That's

not our way of expressing. I think there's plenty of romantic couples that that love tickle. But I do miss, and that's an area when I don't feel loved, is if that affectionate touch isn't there. And I think that's where like you just said there, hey look, we're having the the bedroom touch plenty.

So what's miss and so that's what was so good about this deeper dive in that of right and there's these other categories. I think the same is true in areas where I fall short in my love language because it's so weak for me that I suck at it the other direction.

Clancy Denton (06:00)
And I think some of it goes back to also what we talked about earlier. We're together all the time. All you know, a lot of the time. So it's like I don't necessarily have that

Time to miss you, which is when some of that affection would come into play. Yeah. You know, mine were comforting and protective touch. Those were my two highest. And yes, I totally need consoling when things have are going badly. I like when you come along the side that is not the safe side and move me over to the safer side. So

you know, those things for me were the highest. And so yeah, it's just it it does. This this just gives you that glimpse into where you need to

Be better for your partner.

Rick Denton (07:06)
And it opens up the conversation around lines that could easily be misconstrued, like that thing of bedroom versus just hand on a shoulder. There could easily be I am totally f filling my spouse's love tank. Why are they saying I'm not in that aspect? So let's talk about my lowest because I think that is some lessons that I could have too.

When I say it's my lowest, I'm amazed that it even showed up on the chart. Gift receiving gifts is a com it's not foreign. It's not like my grew up in a family that didn't give gifts. It just does not move my needle at all. And since it doesn't move my needle, I don't

reflexively have the skills to offer that up as an expression of love to you or to others. I have to really think about it because if if if I just go on well back to autopilot and cruise control, I wouldn't give you a gift if it weren't for scheduled holidays. I even I even kind of internally grumble about the gauntlet of holidays that exist in a certain period because of trying to figure out how to solve for those. I'm so

uncomfortable and bad at it that I just

Clancy Denton (08:29)
You've given some good gifts along the way.

Rick Denton (08:32)
Thank you.

See, words of affirmation. There we go.

Clancy Denton (08:36)
But it it makes me know that I don't even think about it. I'll just buy you whatever and just wrap it up and put it somewhere. But

Rick Denton (08:43)
Honestly. And and you saw like

Clancy Denton (08:45)
that is not true because there have been gifts there

Rick Denton (08:47)
Point that finger at me.

Clancy Denton (08:48)
have been gifts that you have received that I think genuine genuinely touched you. Like of course. You know.

Rick Denton (08:57)
One hundred percent. I even something as simple as the t shirt that Teagan gave me that was the video game that she and I both have enjoyed playing. That is a simple gift. But it was thoughtful and it was it was less about the gift and more about saying I share this with you, Dad, and that means something.

Clancy Denton (09:19)
I think that's probably you like the thoughtful, sentimental, small gifts. You don't need the big extravagant stuff.

Rick Denton (09:30)
That's easy to say. Yeah.

Clancy Denton (09:32)
'Cause I don't and like we have said, at this age, and I'm sure a lot of y'all are like this too, if you want something, you just get it for yourself. And so it's not like well like I said

Rick Denton (09:45)
Right

there what makes the gift giving some of the like you just described what makes gift giving somewhat hard. Is because there are times that, yeah, you have you have self-gifted. Like, well, that would have been a good gift.

Of course, now I'm turning this on you and I shouldn't I don't want to do that. I actually want to stop here for a second and just say, I know this is my weakest, and I know that while it may not be one of your highest, it's important to you. I spent time talking about what matters to me in physical touch. What matters to you in gift giving and and the the context of relations check-in, what could I should I be doing better?

Clancy Denton (10:21)
Well, I think like I said, the when you pay attention to something, like the gift you got me for Mother's Day, that was something you had paid attention to. And it wasn't thousands of dollars, but you paid attention to something that I had mentioned and got that for me. So I think those things when you are listening maybe to when I'm s that's pretty or I kinda want that for

the kitchen or whatever, those kind of things. Or if it is a heartfelt sentimental gift, again, that has been an area that I've shifted in. When we were younger, no, I wanted the monetary value of gifts. Now I can get those things from myself. So I would rather have something that's more meaningful. And it

I would also say experiences. Right. We've we've both kind of morphed into that area of gift receiving and giving. And so I think those things and I I said it before on another podcast, you know, I love to give gifts and I love to give gifts to myself. And so, but it would be nice every now and then if, you know.

flowers showed up in the kitchen and we've had that discussion before. The one time I said I don't like flowers 'cause they die, then I never saw another flower for

Rick Denton (11:57)
I totally misunderstood you for years that you thought that flowers were a wasteful gift. And so I stopped giving you flowers. It was decades.

Clancy Denton (12:05)
Yeah, yes. It was. And again, I'm not sitting over here being resentful that he has not given me a flower and you know, I wasn't. I didn't even really think about it until we were having some discussion years ago and I was like, you know, you can give me flowers, it's okay.

Rick Denton (12:23)
I mean it really was a huh?

Clancy Denton (12:26)
So I I would encourage y'all if you haven't done the love languages quiz or if you haven't done it in a long time.

Go to their websites, just if you Google Love Languages, it'll pull up the quizzes and there's two options. Even the shorter one will kind of give you an area.

Rick Denton (12:44)
The free one's great. Yeah. Yeah. I I don't want to diminish it at all.

Clancy Denton (12:47)
Yeah. And so but if you want the more in depth one, you can pay for that and see what it tells you. But I think it is just a good even if you don't do any of these other questions, this one will really get you into a conversation about where is our relationship, where could we each improve and and that kind of thing. So I would encourage y'all to do that. So now we're looking towards the future.

So what does the next five to ten years look like for us? Travel, work, retirement, relocating. I mean, it's like we've had discussions about all of these ad nauseum.

Rick Denton (13:30)
want to add the second question into this at the same time. Let's just loop them all together. And that second question is what does staying connected to our now grown kids look like? And are we on the same page around boundaries and involvement? Yeah. So I know we talk about this one a lot. As we talked about in the love languages with quality time, the the thing about the future. I I think we're 80%, 90%

In sync on this when it comes to travel, work, retirement. I actually retirement we haven't really talked about because we're kind of doing this work now. So I don't know what retirement actually looks like. Relocating, we've kind of talked about. I think the one about what is staying connected to our now grown kids look like. I I still love the idea of having the opportunity to live in other places. And even if that's for shorter time frames.

And that's some an area that I don't think we're in sync on. No.

Clancy Denton (14:27)
We're not. I'll just say if I know that. No.

Rick Denton (14:30)
I I know. And I think that's I I don't think there's any real risk there because I think the default is you just stay rather than live somewhere else. I just there's just such a big grand world out there and even just a big grand country that we live in, and there's so many places that I love so much more than the choices that we have in front of us. It goes to the reason I wanted to loop that second question to this though is what is staying connected to our now grown kids look like?

I don't want to be far away from them. So those two things are in complete opposition with each other. I want to live in other places and I want to be where our kids are. So even I have introduced internal conflict rather than

Clancy Denton (15:13)
Well, I think though you need to look at yes, I agree with that. But the part of this question's boundaries of an and involvement. I think you and I are very much aligned with Totally. Well the the boundaries and involvement so far. Yeah. I mean we'll see what life throws at us. Right. But so far we are very much basically the way that we parented all along, you know, we're not helicopter parents and we're not gonna just all of a sudden change to become that because they're

Adult.

Rick Denton (15:43)
We treat They're young adults, we always have a safety net, but we aren't involved until you

Clancy Denton (15:50)
Yeah,

that we're totally aligned on. But okay, you said there are lots of other places that I would love more than the choices that are in front of us.

But the people that I love are here. Okay. Well, I I said she but that's that's how

Rick Denton (16:14)
Conversation over.

You just wrapped yourself in the relationship flag.

Clancy Denton (16:20)
But that's how I feel. Of course. Is that I don't care to some degree what the surrounding is, but the people that I love are either going to be here or very near here. So I don't want to be like I have no problems. We can tra I mean we love to travel. That's in our nature. I have no issues traveling and being gone for

two to three weeks. But the months I I don't want to do. And I it's not like I'm going to say, you're, you know, you have to agree with me, you're coming to my side. But

Rick Denton (17:03)
Well, and you've never said it like like no, you don't say it that way. You don't say it in an ugly sort of way. I and so I want to be very clear with that up front. It is a reality though of the discussion that if I value our relationship and our togetherness as a relationship, and there is a the either either we stay in place or

Well, no, I'm not I'm not leaving that in place. Well then by default, that's what we're doing. So it is that's the way the decision will be made. And I'm not I'm not actually unhappy with that. I'm not it's just I even said in my own head that I have these opposing forces in my own desires to experience places in the world for longer than what a trip would be. And I want to be close to my family.

So probably the fact that I can't even express a strong enough opinion or position of this is why we should live six months in a brownstone in Brooklyn.

means that we are not going to spend six months in a brownstone in Brooklyn.

Clancy Denton (18:20)
Well, I think and the way that I look at it is

the the what you want to do or wanted to do, I can't compromise with that because I don't want to be gone for three months at a time. Whereas what I want to do, there is a compromise in that, but I will travel with you wherever you want to go and for, you know, a a certain amount of

Rick Denton (18:56)
No, wait, never mind, I'm not gonna say that.

Clancy Denton (18:57)
In a certain amount of time. So it kind of puts me in the I can't compromise with what your desire was or is, except that I will offer to travel to those places.

Rick Denton (19:13)
And I I know that.

And I think that's almost the end of the sentence. I I know that. I appreciate that. I love you. I'm committed to our relationship. And sometimes that relationship means that there might be desires that are put below the commitment to the relationship. And that's okay. Yeah. And that's okay.

Clancy Denton (19:38)
I mean, I think, you know, looking back at the categories, travel, work, retirement, relocating you know, relocating is probably one of the biggest ones because I would move tomorrow.

Rick Denton (19:50)
To a specific place. Right. You would move to all

Clancy Denton (19:53)
to the place that we have been talking about. I would do it tomorrow. But I you're not there yet. And so

Rick Denton (20:01)
Well, y I'm not there yet logistically too. Come on. We're nowhere near that.

Clancy Denton (20:06)
Sure. But I I'm like I'm ready. And so and and I know, yes, there are still some other things that have to be settled, but I probably would have done it a year and a half ago. But I know I'm not pushing that at all because I know we're not on the same page with timing because we haven't really sat down and had a serious discussion about timing.

Rick Denton (20:36)
Yeah,

I think that goes back to maybe in the quality time component, because I'm not opposed to it. And so this feels like one of those discussions that for some reason we haven't had, but we should have had. I know that in my head I'm I'm really kind of waiting to see where what happens to T. It's

Clancy Denton (20:54)
Yeah. The grad school. Yeah.

Rick Denton (20:55)
not that I'm stalling or dragging my feet. I just think there's a key input that prevent no weakens our ability to make that decision now.

Clancy Denton (21:05)
Yeah. And I agree with that. I that is what I think that is the last factor that needs to be settled before we can really but we can still talk about I mean, I'm constantly looking at properties and stuff because if one popped up that's like you know, the most perfect that you can get, then I mean we know the area you want to move in. You gotta move fast on on

If that dream property pops up. So but yes, I think I think everything else I think we're pretty much

Rick Denton (21:41)
I think this shows though why the relationship check-in matters. Like here it is at the very end of a very long or we may decide to split this up, two part episode. And we're exposing some things that we were unclear with each other about.

You saying you're ready tomorrow, I'm like, Yeah, I could do it tomorrow. Knowing full well that we've got a couple of things, but I I'm I'm not dragging my feet at all.

So it shows how the check in is vital to the health of a relationship. It that so that's what it shows.

Clancy Denton (22:18)
Yeah, I think you're right that it it did show us some things that we want and need to discuss. And those to me are also fun things. It's not anything that's

Rick Denton (22:31)
For us, that is true. Yeah. This could expose some very serious conversations. And you and I have been very open about that. If we needed it, we would see couples counseling or therapy. So totally encourage y'all if you get to that point, that if this isn't something resolvable within your own relationship, please seek out. I've been to therapists. We are very therapy comfortable family. If for us this was fun conversation, but this can expose some real rifts and band-aids can come off.

Clancy Denton (22:59)
and I can see I can see us maybe wanting to explore seeing a therapist just because how closely we our lives are intertwined now with work and life on top of it. So yeah, no, we totally support everyone getting a mental check in and getting someone else to talk to that

doesn't have the view that everyone that you are so close to does.

Rick Denton (23:33)
That outside view is such a helpful view. Woo! All right. That got somewhere. Y'all please the questions are gonna be down there in the bottom. We'll put a link to the love languages as well.

Clancy Denton (23:43)
Well.

Yeah, we would just encourage y'all to, you know, do a relationship check-in. You don't have to do the one that we did, but just check in with each other and see how things are going. And, you know, you guys have really become a part of our community and we so appreciate it. If there's anything that y'all would like us to talk about, topics, ideas, if there's events that

you think might be a good idea for the loud quiet to start having happy hours, travel. There may be some trips coming up. We'll see about that. But there's a way now that y'all can get in touch with us directly. Yeah.

Rick Denton (24:25)
You go over to theloudquiet.com, go to the podcast page, and there on the podcast page, you'll see an icon that says leave a voicemail. Leave us a voicemail there. It's as simple as leaving a recording like you would back in the 80s on the old answering machines. Leave a voicemail. We listen to every single one. And those ideas may actually end up being brought into the podcast itself.

Clancy Denton (24:47)
question, do we have can we make like a like a you know, when people would call your answer machine and you had the music going

Rick Denton (24:55)
no, we can definitely not do that.

Clancy Denton (24:57)
bummer.

Rick Denton (24:58)
well I'll tell you about the craft work message that we had at Bramblewood Circle in Autumn.

Clancy Denton (25:02)
Yeah, yeah.

Rick Denton (25:04)
Thank y'all for coming along with our relationship check in. We hope that y'all do a relationship check in soon. Thanks for listening to another episode of The Loud Quiet.