Healthy Selfishness In The Empty Nest - E58

Rick Denton  0:00  
I decided to do something selfish. I've used that in the definition of what that means. I was doing something for me. We have discovered both in the empty nest and marriage, and even in this week, there's such a thing as healthy selfishness.

Clancy Denton  0:15  
This is the loud quiet, living the empty nest. Episode 58

Rick Denton  0:20  
of the loud, quiet. Welcome back, everybody. We are glad to have you here. And trust us, we're glad to be recording today. Got something good to talk about, but also just glad that we were able to even get recording started today. Technological glitches just

Clancy Denton  0:35  
just goes within how this week is gone for me. So you know what?

Rick Denton  0:42  
Living the don't? Oh no, no, living the empty nest life is living the empty nest life across all spectrums.

Clancy Denton  0:50  
So yeah, so you know, last week, we talked about how the event that we had been waiting for got canceled, so therefore then we had nothing on the calendar this week

Rick Denton  1:03  
that's like it was even solidly blocked because we were gonna be gone. I mean, nothing could sneak in there. No,

Clancy Denton  1:09  
I and I think that's what I came to figure out later in the week, is that I should have planned something for myself or for us or something, because I it was not a good it wasn't a bad week, but it was just not a good week for me. So,

Rick Denton  1:35  
you know, I'm smiling right there. What did you tell me last week? Feel what you're feeling you're already kind of caveat, what a bad week. It just wasn't a good way, like you're, no, you didn't, yeah,

Clancy Denton  1:44  
but Okay, sure. But no, it was, I mean, I, you know, I'm not gonna apologize for the way I felt. But it just was not, it wasn't like every day something horrible happened or something and there was

Rick Denton  1:58  
no tragedy, yeah, that kind of thing, absolutely, that's just why I was smiling.

Clancy Denton  2:02  
But it just I had pushed everything I usually always have, at least, like, I mean, I have work, but then I always schedule an appointment, a dinner, something, life, yeah, to keep me occupied or stimulate my brain. And I had pushed all that because we were going to be gone, so I realized I can't, I can't have a week with absolutely nothing on my calendar besides just work. So

Rick Denton  2:36  
that's a thing that I think a lot of folks whether it's empty nest or not, but especially in the empty nest, where there isn't a generation below you, aka kids that fill your calendar involuntarily, involuntarily pick your word that in the empty nest, all of that is on us, or it is that moment Where you are without something without and I like how you said you didn't say to stay busy. You said to stimulate my brain. I think that's an important distinction, that it's not just about hey, oh, I'm living this life, or I want to do things, but otherwise you atrophy and die.

Clancy Denton  3:22  
Yay. That's not Pollyanna

Rick Denton  3:26  
at all. I was told not to Pollyanna. I need to watch

Clancy Denton  3:28  
that movie. I love that movie anyways, and that's what you know. This week, I was thinking. I used to fill a lot of my time in the afternoons before the kids would get home, or before you would get home with the TV shows that I enjoy watching. Well, I found myself not really even turning the TV on until maybe four o'clock, three, you know, and which, okay, that's just a change for me. And so I just, I came to realize when, and we'll talk about what, you know, things that happened this week, but I've just come to know myself a little bit more. I'm learning a little bit more about myself that I have to have something that to do outside of the house or just outside of regular life. And, you know, I mean, it was just, it was just such a like after we had this thing happen last week, you know, the event that got canceled, that we had been just this was supposed to be our jumping off point to something new that I was excited about, and what probably was going to give me a new opportunity.

Rick Denton  4:48  
And so, and occupy a lot of times, a lot of work and all that, all of that. And so, you

Clancy Denton  4:52  
know, this was the verse, If any of you are on the Bible out there's a verse of the day, and Monday was. You can make plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail. And that's kind of, that was Monday, and that was kind that's goes along with what we've said, you know, make plans and God laughs Well, you know, and so, and usually they don't have a theme during the week of

Rick Denton  5:18  
unless there's something calendar based, there's always like Advent or an Easter or but

Clancy Denton  5:23  
this week's were very and we'll get to the other ones. But yes, so this was Monday, and I think you sent it to me, or I sent it

Rick Denton  5:31  
to you, because it was before I do my quiet time, pretty early in the morning. And so I emailed it to you, Sam, I know you're about to see this, but here we go.

Clancy Denton  5:39  
So you know, this was Monday, I just went back to work regular scheduled programming, and so

Rick Denton  5:49  
did I Right? And on Monday I went back to work, and it was in the Monday time frame that I came to realize this isn't gonna work, that something about the mental disconnect between the intense activity that was planned and then suddenly being thrust back into normalcy wasn't going to work for me. I was in an absolute mood. I couldn't I was doing my tasks, but I wasn't doing I wasn't doing my job. I was doing my task. I wasn't doing my career. I wasn't doing the ambition. I wasn't driving it forward. I was dry, I was empty. I was burnt out as the wrong word, but it was close. I was emotionally, just burned, and we'll just stick with that thing. Just had nothing left in the tank. And that's when I realized, Okay, I've got to do something. And there were a couple of the you know, you and I have bitched about traffic and construction and that sort of thing. And yes, in Frisco, it's really bad. And I think everybody thinks it's bad wherever they live, and you're probably right. It is bad wherever you live. We just have come across a lot of just suddenly a lane is closed, and they don't announce it, and you're having a shift in traffic, and then an exit is going to be closed. I

Clancy Denton  7:07  
should have, actually, I should have put that in here, because I think it was Tuesday. Let's see what's my next. I think, Okay, so let's talk about what you and, well,

Rick Denton  7:17  
okay, I want to get there. Yeah, what inspired me was the traffic. Yeah, I couldn't take the city and I couldn't take humans. So I

Clancy Denton  7:24  
think it was Tuesday when you texted me and, and I've, I've been at a little bit of a crossroads as to what, when am I going to retire from the current job that I have? You know, is it fulfilling me in the way that it used to? Not really. So you know, what am I going to do? You sent me an email from the city that said, and what

Rick Denton  7:51  
was the subject line that I put in there? Do you remember? I don't remember. Maybe it's time

Clancy Denton  7:57  
the exit that I used off the Tollway, for those of you who don't live in the Dallas area, is going to be closed for the next four months. Well, there is no good escape route, because everyone is going to be using the road that would be the escape route. Well, the problem with that road is that there's about 10 school zones on it, and the time of day that I go to work is right during the middle of that the next exit down that you could kind of do a u turn, backs up further than the So, yeah, I was just like, you

Rick Denton  8:32  
have no way to win this No. And even the exit before also exits into a high school. And so you Yeah, you can't win. So basically,

Clancy Denton  8:38  
I think it's just yeah, I just, unless I get a helicopter,

Rick Denton  8:42  
Jerry Jones has been landing his copper in the middle of practice, maybe he could just swing by and

Clancy Denton  8:47  
pick me up. If

Rick Denton  8:48  
he would drop you off at the star, you would walk the hall totally.

Clancy Denton  8:51  
So yes, so that it

Rick Denton  8:54  
was all of that hitting on Monday, Tuesday, whatever it was, and that's, and you've already got the picture up, but that's where it's like, I can't take humans and I can't take traffic anymore. I have to get out. But what had frustrated the crap out of me is this is October. This is the month that and actually, I've looked back, it's weird. I've always gone camping this week.

Clancy Denton  9:16  
I always all of the memories, were you and Tegan? Are you and Tegan, when y'all went with the other

Rick Denton  9:21  
shippers and the winners, and it was always this week, and that's why. Why is it this week? Because it's beautiful weather, usually,

Clancy Denton  9:30  
and it always falls around y'all break. You know when? Because that's when you would go on the weekends. But now you have the luxury of going. All of

Rick Denton  9:39  
that comes together, I would say the not the primary, they both come together. The weather was the key part. Well, what was the weather going to be? It was going to be ball sweat, hot, and it wasn't going to be nice. And so I'd given up on the idea on Monday, and then that's where Tuesday I was like, I don't care. I really don't care if I have to sleep in the lake. I'm going to go. Out there, and so I decided to do something selfish. And I've used that in the definition of what that means. I was doing something for me. But I think what we have discovered both in the empty nest and marriage and even in this week, there's such a thing as healthy selfishness. I put this in the category of healthy selfishness. So the picture that you can see there is I did find a place to go camping in Oklahoma. And when I say that, you can't tell too well from this picture that I was the only person in this 15 some odd site campsite. Not exaggerating, I was the only person there. So there's no traffic, there's no humans. There was actually a moment that it got so quiet. I'm not exaggerating here. It got so quiet that I wasn't sure that my ears were working. Yeah, sometimes your ears are kind of shut down for a little bit. I actually had to make a noise to be able to prove that I could still hear. It was that kind of quiet, and I absolutely desperately needed this as a reset, and

Clancy Denton  11:11  
when I'm gonna say a couple things, but when you texted me and told me that no one else was at that campsite, I was like, Oh my gosh, please don't get murdered. Of course, my mind went to true crime and the and it's all

Rick Denton  11:24  
right, I got a life insurance policy. You'd be set you can get your helicopter so.

Clancy Denton  11:29  
But, you know, even last week, I said, I'm not the jealous type. If you want to go camping, go camping. And again, I still wasn't

Rick Denton  11:40  
go. That's fine. There's no hesitancy from you know.

Clancy Denton  11:43  
But while you were gone and when you got back, I was like, Well, I didn't get to do anything. That's when I was said to myself, I should have planned something for myself. But I just

Rick Denton  11:58  
Well, I even asked you, because something was off, and I asked you said, are you okay? And you looked at me with not not anger, but with emphasis. Do you remember the words you said, Well,

Clancy Denton  12:09  
yes, okay, but let me set the stage. I get it. But so you had gotten home, you know? And I enjoyed my evening. I watched, if you haven't watched the next Netflix show, nobody wants this really good, really easy to watch, just a sweet love story. But so you got home with all your stuff and everything was all over the place and cleaning it up. I know this

Rick Denton  12:42  
is your perspective, so,

Clancy Denton  12:46  
and here's where it comes to the and I think we've done a podcast about just unmet expectations, and this is not your fault. I wanted you to come in and be like, Hey, let's go to dinner. Hey, let's do this. It was, Well, what did you have last night? And I for dinner, I said a salami and cheese sandwich, because that's what we had left in the front. And you go, Oh, that sounds good. I was like, does it? No, it doesn't. That's what you

Rick Denton  13:20  
said. Kind of delightful.

Clancy Denton  13:22  
And that's when you said, is something wrong? And I said, I'm bored, you know, again, because I don't have the kids here. And, you know, I don't know how much time really last year, besides your Austin trips, which on most of those, I didn't not not want to go, but I had other things going on or so, you know, and I definitely did not want to go camping, because that's just not my thing. But I think I just wanted, and I said it, I'm tired of making the plans. I've hit that point again where I'm the one deciding what we do. I'm the one reaching out to people, Hey, you want to get, to get you know. So, yeah, I just, I needed to let that be known. And

Rick Denton  14:19  
I was going, so when you said that my initial emotional feeling internal was, well, okay, do something right, you know, that kind of stuff, and then I thank God I didn't express it out loud. That would have been the wrong time, because part of marriage is being part of marriage is honestly and openly communicating at the right time and in the right way, and that would have been the wrong time and in the wrong way. And there's some truth to that, that I was, I was selfishly, or I was selfish, but in a good way of being selfish there, there's, I think, the proof that it's showing you need to be selfish as well. At times, and it also shows that we simply cannot just do nothing. There's a place for do nothings, but it can't be just the

Clancy Denton  15:11  
and there's better nothing. There's another difference between you and me. You recharge being by yourself. Yes, I do not. Yeah, that is not my I mean, I could go get a massage, or I could go to the pedicure place, but even then, sometimes I'd like to have someone with me to talk to while so I don't recharge by being alone. Can

Rick Denton  15:37  
I ask you a direct question that I was I was inspired by whatever that marriage blog is that comes out on Wednesday, and brain farting

Clancy Denton  15:44  
their name less than Leslie, yeah.

Rick Denton  15:48  
And if we may, get a link to it in the show notes. I get their blog each week, and some of it doesn't apply, like pre marriage and that kind of thing. But this one was, how can I be a better spouse to my spouse? And one of the things was, well, just simply ask them, How can I be a better spouse? But it prompted the idea of of that blog did. And when I was sitting there, I think I had, I had a whiskey in my hand, I was looking at the fire. The moon was out, the trees were out. And, I mean, I felt my battery and my cup just filling, and I knew that that wasn't how you filled yours. And I thought, huh, what would Clancy do to fill her cup? What is her cup filling in a purely selfish way? And so, Clancy, how do you fill your cup? How does your battery get restored?

Clancy Denton  16:40  
Well, I think, I mean, I I like I said, I like to do things, but I like to do things with when I go out with my girlfriends, the cheer group, I always come back feeling so good. So, you know, just fun, we laugh, we cry. You know, there's, we've been through a lot of stuff together, things like that, just but again, I think right now, I want you to take care of me like but not I don't need some. Do you know what I'm saying? And I don't.

Rick Denton  17:18  
I think I do, but I want you to express it. I think I do.

Clancy Denton  17:24  
I would like for you to just come home sometime or tell me, Hey, this Friday, we're gonna go do this. You know, even when I said I don't want to make plans, then it was okay. Well, do you want to go do that? That's not, don't ask me, like I and I don't want this all the time, but I want something to be planned for me that, yeah, I'm not involved in Yeah, so, and that's

Rick Denton  17:55  
Yes, right? You could end the episode there. Yes, the difficulty with that on the guy side is and not the guy side, just the Rick side. Rick and Clancy have their own independent personalities. Is absolutely there are, there are things that you enjoy and things that you don't enjoy. And that's the part of discerning, that element of the planning aspect of and sometimes that change is based off just simply, the time, right this week is that vibe, and that week is not that vibe. And so that's where it does get tricky, is when a plan is suggested, or a plan is offered, or a plan is stated, and it's, I don't want to do that, and I'm not saying you do that, but that's where that challenge comes in. No,

Clancy Denton  18:39  
but I feel like, I mean, we have been together for almost 30 years, so I think I just need it pre planned. Because, yes, when we were talking about, okay, what do you want to do Friday night? Yeah, there are certain places that I didn't want to go, but that's just normal. That's just normal, trying to figure out what to do on a Friday night. If you said to me, Hey, I got us tickets for this in what like even when we went to that movie screening, yeah, I didn't say no to that great example. So yes,

Rick Denton  19:18  
there's there's examples both ways, and that's the point I'm saying, is not that what you're suggesting is wrong. I asked you, how can I be a better spouse? What is it that fills your tank? Those two answers are coming together. I want to be taken care of. You're saying I want to be taken care of by my spouse, and I want my spouse to plan for things. That's how I fill my tank, and

Clancy Denton  19:37  
not that you don't. I don't want to put out that you don't take care of me, because obviously you do, but I think I just would like a more active role in you, to have a more active role in planning our things,

Rick Denton  19:55  
and that is that has been a theme that has been woven through all of our. Marriage, and it's a I don't think it's just a challenge for Rick and Clancy. I think it's a challenge for a lot of couples, because so much of my mental energy is career focused, and it's trying to get this business going, and all of that and and that, coupled with you are very much the planner. You've even said that. And on Sunday, you sit down and you make a plan for the week, and it's hard for me to know when it's okay to disrupt that plan and when it's not okay to disrupt that plan, because there's been times that I've tried to disrupt the plan and it has not been met with a yeah, let's go do it kind of thing. No, I've got x plan, and we're gonna go do X and and that variability makes it harder to do that yet, I think that's part of the risk and just the the adventure that is marriage, especially emptiness is okay. Sometimes it's gonna work, sometimes not do it.

Clancy Denton  20:55  
I think it's probably just, you know, we've hit over a year now of being official empty nest. Yeah. And so some of the things that we were concerned and trying to fill our time last year, well, we figured out, okay, we're fine. We got it. Well now it's slipping back into and like you said, this happens all along the years of marriage. It's not just something that's emptying us, I

Rick Denton  21:23  
think too. There's also a not seasonality in the sense of calendar, but just an ebb and flow of this. If you think back to the last X number of weeks, almost everything that's been there has been something that's there was already something. There was a trip. There was a kid moving back to school. There was already something in place, and so the muscle sort of atrophied. Of not the muscle, just the need. There was no need to plan anything, because it was already there. It just was. And we came into a week where suddenly it wasn't. And that expo or I think that's what exposed some of those feelings. And I'm not, and I'll say this though I'm not responsible for, you know, your boredom or not your boredom, and no spouse is responsible for that either way. But responsible is not the same as wanting to love your spouse and provide for them, and for me to want to love and provide for you in that way doesn't mean I'm responsible for it, but I can still do it in a way of love well. And

Clancy Denton  22:28  
I think I even, you know, mentioned last night when we were trying, we were kind of talking about what we were going to talk about. You know, there's that sense of seasonal depression, which typically comes when it turns cooler and darker. Yeah, but, you know, I said I think my body's biorhythms are so and I don't know if I'm just more, because I've been this way for as long as I can remember my biorhythms and the changing of the seasons when it doesn't happen the way that it's supposed to happen. It's like something. I don't know if my body's just more in tune to that. I don't know. It'd be an interesting to do some more research on that, but I am over. I mean, I am wearing my little sweater today to please. So you know it's going to be 94 degrees today,

Rick Denton  23:33  
and what's the date? Mid October, right?

Clancy Denton  23:37  
And I know this week is when it's supposed to start cooling down. But I'm just, I'm I'm ready for it.

Rick Denton  23:45  
I don't know that I noticed it, but looking back, yes, you get broken when the seasons don't do what they're supposed to do. That's true when it hasn't started a warm up coming out of winter. It's true as we go into fall. I don't know of going into winter or summer specifically, but I've seen this before, so you're somehow in tune to the Earth's original.

Clancy Denton  24:07  
And I just like crystal, you know, like I said, there's some different Crossroads you know, that are coming up that I'm not sure you know where things are going to go. But I talked about the verses again, so after you got back, and after I yelled and said, I'm bored, then, you know, this was Friday's verse, and it, you know, commit your actions to the Lord and your plans will succeed. And I just sit there, and I'm just like, yeah, because I journal every morning, and if I looked back over the past, well, probably since empty nest, after Teagan left, it's been what is my purpose? Now? What am I supposed to be doing? What can I be doing? What should I be doing? And, you know, I. Like I said, my main job right now, employment, whatever you want to call it, I don't feel like my purpose is being served there anymore. So, you know, so that. So yeah. So hopefully this week the weather will change a little bit, and then today's verse, because for I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord their plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. So I don't know what this week. You know, everything we were meant to be doing just got demolished. And then for these to be all the verses of the week. It was just a very

Rick Denton  25:45  
I don't know that we have the time to process that in the episode, but I think you and I should continue to talk about that. And that is one sometimes stuff just happens, right? We even talked about that, that this could just be simply a week that it just happened I listened to a podcast or the weekend that talked about, you know, are you I need to get the book? Are you not shooting far enough? You know, that kind of idea of, if you set your goals here, will you probably achieve them, but if you set them there, you'd probably achieve them, that kind of thing, and even commit your plans to the Lord, in my quiet times, I'm like, Okay, well, what does that actually mean when you're talking about starting an entertainment or an event podcasting company, right? Does it mean that we will always do the loud, quiet pro bono at faith based events? And CX passport is the revenue side. I don't know what it means, but I know that I'm open to the just, I'll follow your path, but we're still going to keep going or and we're going to still keep going into a redirected it's just, it's your business, not mine. And I think this is a week that has allowed us to get that kind of it's allowed you to discover that I'm bored is not a place that you can be. It's allowed you to really, really process what you've been thinking about with your job. You've talked about it for easily over a year, and now I think you're getting you actually made some very tactical choices that likely bring you to some decision points. And then I think it also reminded us about the things that are important in marriage, too, and that is what we said earlier, that Yeah, I do need to be doing a better job of planning, even if it's exhausting for me, because I've already drained what's before, but what is my priority? And if I'm being drained there, and I have nothing left to do the things that you're saying straight up, this is what I want to feel loved. Well, then my priorities are out of whack, and I need to do that. So it's a week that gave us a chance to do some introspection.

Clancy Denton  27:42  
No, I was just gonna say, I think another thing too is, you know, and I've touched on this before that. You know, both of our kids right now are just in an awesome space. They're doing great. Last year at this time, we were spending so much mental energy on trying to get Tegan out of the situation that she was in. We were already starting to think about all of Tanner's graduation things, so I don't have any of that right now to focus on. I

Rick Denton  28:15  
we had had my mom's declining health like, you know, there's an element of my mom's, yeah, that whole aspect, there's been a lot of things that have been the slate has been wiped clean. And I

Clancy Denton  28:25  
think bringing that up, you know, we were so wound up in Austin all summer, even through the beginning of, you know, the fall that, and that's kind of quieted down to some degree. So I think I just need something new and stimulating. And not that those were all good things, but I think I need something. And I just thought this morning, I was talking to my sister in law, who lives in Germany, last weekend, and you know, she brought up something that I was supposed to be working on, and I haven't been. And so I'm like, Okay, if I really am, and we'll, we'll discuss, because I am an open book when it comes to things. You know, there's some things that are about to happen or that I'm choosing to do that. Will give me some downtime. And so I'm like, if I'm giving given this downtime, then I need to take advantage of it. So absolutely. So, like I said, Yeah, I will. I will share those things, because I don't. I'm not trying to hide stuff, but just not yet. So

Rick Denton  29:44  
kids are in a good place. Yeah,

Clancy Denton  29:48  
this text from Tegan came in on we were out to dinner on Tuesday night with a couple from our life group, and as we were leaving the restaurant, I. I'd gotten one text from someone that was kind of annoying, and then we got this text that was Tegan said, Well, I've certainly peaked. If the 100% high guy in my class is calling me the goat for helping him with math, I just, I love her. She, has my sense of humor, and she just, yeah, I just, she keeps us entertained. For sure, she does, as does the other one. But yeah,

Rick Denton  30:31  
it, uh, she's doing, and this is a a comical reinforcement of they're doing. So they're doing so well, which is nice, and it is exactly that. It's giving us the space. And even when you and I were working together on Friday trying to figure out exactly what to do, you know, with that space, I talked about that. And even when I was out camping, I was like, Okay, this is where I can have the creative space. And then I realized, nah, screw it. I'm just gonna let the batteries recharge. And this could be, I don't know what that means for you, but this could be that opportunity of all right, you didn't know what the answers are, but now you can start to work towards what those answers can be.

Clancy Denton  31:10  
There you go. It's been another therapy session. Thanks for joining us for our therapy session on the loud, quiet living the empty nest.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai