Summer Connections With Your Adult Children - E93

Clancy Denton  0:00  
On this week's episode of the loud, quiet summer connections with your adult children. Hey everybody.

Rick Denton  0:05  
Welcome back to the loud quiet, or in this after the fourth of July, had a nice time doing some grilling, hanging out by the pool. It's been nice. And the fourth of July often in my mind, I know it's not mathematically, but it's kind of the marking the center point of summer. To me, it feels like we got our first half in now, some of those things that are at the end of summer are in view. And while it got us to thinking about, well, this summer just feels kind of

Clancy Denton  0:34  
different. Yeah, as we were thinking about the Fourth of July, I just got this feeling that we are halfway through the summer, and while our kids summer is a little bit longer because they are in college, so they don't go back as early as high school, it does. The summer has been so different for me, especially this is the first summer that Tanner has not been in our

Rick Denton  1:02  
home at all. No, he is only a visitor in our house. And

Clancy Denton  1:06  
it just got me to thinking. I was like, gosh, it's just weird and sad and different. And I get it, he's an adult. They're supposed to grow up and leave. But I still, he's still in school, and so it just makes me think differently, that he should be still in our house some but he's just not

Rick Denton  1:31  
okay. So, you know, obviously we're not revealing anything here. We talk about these episodes in advance. That's not something you had said earlier. The idea of he's still in school, and that may have different feelings. If he were, you know, air quote, working a real job, do you think you'd feel differently, or would the fact that this is the first summer without him living in our home?

Clancy Denton  1:54  
I probably would. I think also because he is in our city, he's not close to us, but he is in our city. Last year, he stayed in Arizona for part of the summer because he was working, but he still came home for a while before we moved him into his apartment this summer. It's just the like we've said, The texts are a little fewer, the phone calls are a little fewer he is in a relationship, which we are thrilled with, but it's just different. Yeah, how the communication has changed and shifted.

Rick Denton  2:32  
It really has even the annual tradition that tan and I have of going to Perry's for a Friday lunch and getting our burgers that we look forward to every year at that place. Even that was something that kind of snuck up on, oh yeah, we need to do, as opposed to, oh my gosh. We're so looking forward to this, and it's got to happen. We got to schedule it. It was sort of oh gosh. We got to pull that off. Hey, can you do that with your summer associate gig? Is that, are we good here? And heck, we're even going to the Perrys near downtown Dallas, as opposed to the one out here that we've gone to in Frisco. So even those small changes continue to remind me and remind us summer's a little different,

Clancy Denton  3:15  
yeah, and you know, with him now being out of the house, and it just then it cascaded into oh my gosh, Teagan only has probably, you know, one or two more summers here, because she is still in our home. I got the feeling of, I have not been doing enough with her this summer. Last summer, I was still working at my old job that I have retired from. So I was home by 1230 work was done, and she and I would go to target, to the mall, to lunch. You know, we would do different things. Now this summer, she is working a lot more than she did last summer. It feels like anyways, but now that we have morphed into working together and working out of our home together, it's just different.

Rick Denton  4:13  
It definitely like I have felt a little bit of that guilt too. It's, it's, it's weird how we can work so closely together, and we don't talk about issues that are affecting each of us individually. When you brought this topic up, I knew that I'd been having similar feelings, albeit different. My summer experience with her was different because I was working at a physical office somewhere else last summer, but I would make these conscious efforts to do things with her now with us working side by side, typically full day in the house, often later than we're used to working, because we're enjoying this. And then she goes and works in the evening. There's a ship's passing in the night, kind of vibe with with my daughter that I. I don't recall feeling before, and with the epiphany of discussing this topic today, it's this feeling of, I gotta fix this

Clancy Denton  5:10  
well. And I even went upstairs and talked to her, and I said, you know, I'm sorry that we haven't been doing as much as we used to. And in true Tegan fashion, she's, you know, totally fine with it, she, you know, and but I feel bad. And so it's like, just, if there's anything that you, you know, want to do, I said, I will blow off work with your dad. It's fine. I've tried to make some conscious efforts of on Sundays, when she I know that she's going into work in the evening, I try to make a bigger, later lunch for all of us to enjoy together. Fourth of July, we grilled earlier than we normally do, so that she could still enjoy it with us. So I have tried to do some of those things, but it's just when you're working from your home, which this is the first time for me to do that, I feel guilty if I'm leaving, you know you Yeah, and then I feel guilty when my child is upstairs, just hanging in her Room, and we're not doing things with her. So where do you find that balance? What's

Rick Denton  6:24  
interesting about what you just said, there is it's both ways, right? I feel the same thing. I had even commented to you about that when I was coming back from the office and moving our workspace into the house, that there's elements of guilt where you know it's okay. That's the reason why you go into business for yourself, is you control your schedule, and yet I feel guilty if I stepped outside and didn't say this is before Tegan came home, right? You know, feel guilty about those sorts of things. It's like almost the reverse of boundaries. We have to rediscover the freedom that this gives us, and I think by having our child here and some of that parental guilt, it's helping us realize that there are freedom slash boundaries that we need to rediscover when it comes to working together and working physically in the house together.

Clancy Denton  7:19  
I mean, we even this last week, our housekeeper comes on Wednesdays, and so we booked time at the library to go work.

Rick Denton  7:29  
Awesome, by the way, to be able to do that.

Clancy Denton  7:31  
But, you know, tea could just tagged along with us. But, you know, we sat there and worked while she did whatever stuff she was doing. We probably should have, instead of doing this, taken her to lunch or gone to do something different, we're so focused right now on because really, the past two weeks have been the first two weeks that we've actually been able to calm down and get real work done,

Rick Denton  7:58  
even hearing You say that sentence is a reminder and a reinforcement, and that that's not the ultimate priority. Even though it's been interesting, it's been urgent, it's been the new moment for us to do that the priority sits in a room in our house, and we want to continue to build and establish and create and thrive in that relationship.

Clancy Denton  8:19  
Yeah, I feel like the only things that I've been doing with her some this summer is going to appointments, doctors appointments, and she's getting her wisdom teeth out this week, which I know that will cause us to slow down a little bit to make take care of her and that kind of thing.

Rick Denton  8:35  
And it's a good shock, like, I don't even think, walking into hitting record today, I realized how much of a shock to the system this is, and how good it will be to reset there, because you're right. It's two maybe one summer, and then it's done, right, and it's it's interesting how the empty nest finds a way to sort of put a little notch in your heart over and over and over. And we've talked at length about how much thriving in this phase is possible, and it's wonderful, and we love every bit about it. There's just these moments of realization that, oh, wait, that little piece of my heart is is damaged. I wouldn't have thought about that, except she came home, and now she's home and oh my gosh, did I I'm not even gonna say we did I miss out on spending time with her at the first half of the summer. And I

Clancy Denton  9:33  
just am shocked at how fast this summer has flown by. I mean, to think that we are already into July, and well into July, it's just shocking how quickly it has passed. And if any of our younger listeners are listening who have little kids, sometimes you feel like these summers just drag on forever. And they do. I get. It. I've been there, but these, this one has just, it's flown by. You know, we're already thinking about, you know, our family vacation, which I'm so glad that we are still able to coordinate everyone's schedules, because we will have 10 days of just us, the four of us traveling. And I am so looking forward to that time that we get to just spend with them without any other distractions.

Rick Denton  10:32  
You and I have talked about that forever, how travel is such a key part of our family's themes, our family's glue, and I'm glad that we are getting that experience. We'd like to hear what you all think about this, if you would go out and share, what was it like when your kids went away but then came back for summer? Heck, we shared tips on how to handle it when they came back for the summer. One of them was appreciate the time. I almost think that we may not have listened to our own tips. How has it been for y'all this summer? Do you find yourself realizing, ooh, I need to spend time with them or All right, it's time for them to get out of my house. Share that on the Facebook group the loud, quiet emptiness, living. Love to hear what your all's thoughts

Clancy Denton  11:17  
are. Okay? So here's my question for you. Oh, no. I mean, it's so we've talked about the problem. What are we going to do to change it?

Rick Denton  11:27  
I was thinking about something that we did maybe a week or so ago. We set block time in the calendar. This is when we're going to do strategy work. This is when we're going to do tactic work. All that, I think, not to the point of, and this is when we're going to do Tegan work. But is that thought? How fast how families work. But being more cognizant of this is the boundary. This is what we're doing. We're dedicating we're focusing on it, and then after that, let's go do something. And I also think along with kind of block scheduling and that kind of stuff, which sounds all businessy and boring, I think you and I are going to have to discover a rhythm of work. That doesn't necessarily mean that when we're physically able to be together, we have to work together. That if I'm jamming out something and you're like, hey and I are going to go out, great, that's fine. You need to dedicate yourself to something. And I Tegan and I go get ramen or whatever that looks like. I don't. I think after the summer's over, I think that's still an issue for an empty nest couple that works together. Of we have to find the way to work together intensely and productively and allow ourselves to be independent even during the day.

Clancy Denton  12:38  
It's just for the past. You know, 18 years that before they went off to college, you know, you have them, 24/7, for 18 years, we did a good job of being us after they left, when they come back, I just feel like this summer, we focused on us and kind of forgot about oh our, one of our oh yeah children is back in the house, and yeah, I don't. I don't like that. I don't it doesn't. I don't want it to be that way, but, and it really hit me just these past couple of weeks, I've got to figure out

Rick Denton  13:27  
rhythms. Well, yeah, what's your answer to that question?

Clancy Denton  13:31  
A lot of the same thing, I have to get over that feeling bad. If I'm like, Hey, I'm going to take a break right now and go do this with her instead of, oh gosh, I need to be in the office because Rick's in the office. And what should I be, you know? And I've seen now that there's times that you're working on the other aspect of, you know, the other business that I don't have as much input into. So those are the times that I need to go say, Hey, do you want to run to target? I mean, do you want to run here? Do you want to go do this? But I just have to get into that mentality, because we've been so focused on getting the office set up, and then now getting to the things that we had neglected for a while because of just life stuff. So I think I just have to get that into my head and really process and figure out ways that I can be better.

Rick Denton  14:34  
You said something interesting in there, and it was, we did a good job. Go listen to episodes one through 10 right of okay. How are we going to be a couple again? What does it mean to be us? Did we over index? I wonder if that's a more common scenario than I would have thought before. Right now. Is that something that empty nest parents? Have to remind themselves of, oh, wait, yeah, we're a great couple together, but let's not forget the kids. And I mean, some of this is exaggerated, right? It's not like suddenly we just forgot that we had kids. It just came to the forefront with a daughter that's sitting upstairs while we're working downstairs, and the realization This is interaction time that we will never get to have back.

Clancy Denton  15:22  
And you know, we need to be better with that, with our other child too, because for a while, we were down in Dallas all the time, even, yeah, during the school year,

we haven't been down there and since his birthday, and so it's just

Rick Denton  15:43  
we didn't have the excuse of the move in. So much of what we were doing was getting the town home ready, and it was and then you bolt on social on top of that. Now that almost feels like the theme here is that we've always had some sort of excuse or reason to do something, those excuses or reasons have faded away. We need to be conscious about making those reasons,

Clancy Denton  16:07  
which is so crazy to me, because you know our kids like us, at least they act like they do, and we have great relationships with our kids, but I feel sheepish when I want to say to Tanner, hey, can you come up to Frisco for, you know, a dinner? Or can you, you know, because I don't want to step on his schedule, his social calendar, which is always full, so I need to get over that, because maybe he's singing on the other side. Gosh, they haven't invited me to come out for anything. Great

Rick Denton  16:46  
example, have we invited him to come out? We're hanging out at the pool today. We're grilling and we're hanging out at the pool. Have we said that to t hey, this is we're going to be doing this today. We'll get some music going. Got some grilling going.

Clancy Denton  16:58  
Oh yes, I have said that to Tegan, but with her schedule, it's kind of hard for her to do those kind of things when she has to go into work. But,

Rick Denton  17:06  
yes, yeah. And I mean, but she's physically

here she is. That's

different, well, in that, but that almost allows us to take it for granted that she's physically here this, I think that may be the one of the key points is here is just taking things for granted. You said there's a positive relationship there. And I agree with you, it's now, are we using that as a crutch or an excuse not to be as diligent as we need to be? And if, if you run that out, as far as you might run that out, that slippery slope means that suddenly there isn't a relationship. We're nowhere near that. Of course, that's this realization of, no, we're stopping that.

Clancy Denton  17:42  
And you are like, this week, y'all are doing your Friday lunch. We are supposed to go down there for family trivia, yeah, at one of the bars with Tanner's girlfriend and her family. So we are doing things we've got to get back into that groove of doing more things. I know once things kind of change and settle down, and everyone knows when you're in a new relationship that is your focus until you kind of figure out your balance. You know, just like we're having to figure out balance here, it never ends. There's ebbs and flows. As we were talking about this topic of just the it's not really a summer sadness, it's just it hit me last week. It did make me sad, but it's just a summer difference, if you want to call it, there are some positive things that we have found, being able to work together out of our house at three o'clock on Wednesday. Hey, let's shut down. Let's go sit out by the pool. Yeah, hey, you want to go out tonight? Yes, let's do that, you know. So there have been some very you know, when you're at Del Frisco at four o'clock, it's kind of nice to be able to do those things.

Rick Denton  19:01  
That was weird, because we were the only people in there for almost

Clancy Denton  19:07  
an hour. That was very strange. Now it was also apparently I didn't realize this, but the bartender said the week the Fourth of July, weekend we were there on Thursday before Fourth of July, he said, It is dead. And so he was right. Everything was dead.

Rick Denton  19:25  
I had no idea. As I was walking through the star on Friday, I saw that D Lincoln's just closed. All right, yeah, we're not even gonna mess on on the fourth, on the fourth, yeah. So yeah, that flexibility has been nice. What we're talking about is, I think we need to expand that flexibility into including our kids, both the one that lives here and the one in Dallas, because there's nothing that says that we can't just say, Hey, I'm going to take you to to deli lunch or something like that in the middle of your work week, right? And those kind of that flexibility is is so great. I'm glad that you're saying that. It's not a summer sentence. It's different. It, we get a lot of things that we can choose from now we get to go do them.

Clancy Denton  20:04  
Yeah, and that is definitely a benefit of working with your spouse and working out of the same location.

Rick Denton  20:14  
I'm sensing an episode. So here's a little tease for everyone, and maybe y'all can actually help inspire us on this one, working with your spouse, the pros and cons. As we were going into it, we had some initial thoughts and trepidations and excitements. After a few months, we'll know a little bit more about what it means, what works, what doesn't, and what we even have to to improve. So if y'all have any of those tips, you share those out on the Facebook group as well.

Clancy Denton  20:39  
I'd be interested to see, I should look that up like, is there a percentage out there that shows how many people actually work with their spouses? Because it's probably not many.

Rick Denton  20:50  
I totally agree with you. I don't think it'd be many. What, to me, would be an additional interesting layer on that is, does that percentage change when a couple enters the empty nest? Oh, shoot. Does that mean we have to do research now

Clancy Denton  21:04  
that research is quick everything research is quick these days.

Rick Denton  21:09  
Okay, quick and accurate aren't always in sync with each other, so if anyone's

Clancy Denton  21:15  
gonna fact check me, then okay, get back to me and tell me if my

Rick Denton  21:20  
stats are wrong. So yeah, it has been a summer of the Epiphany of we can't just let this be taken for granted in this limited time that we have left with our last kid living in the house for a period of time in the summer. And you know, there's a heck of a lot to enjoy in summer,

Clancy Denton  21:39  
yes, and we're taking advantage of one for sure, we just need to be better about the other Absolutely. Well, thanks guys for joining us on another episode of the loud quiet.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai