Moving Kids Into College? What These Empty Nesters Learned E149

Rick Denton (00:00)
This week on the loud quiet, moving kids into college, what these empty nesters learned.

Clancy Denton (00:06)
Hey guys, welcome back to the Loud Quiet. We have been focused a lot on the college move in or if your child is about to move into an apartment or those kind of things. And you know, that's just this time of year. I was looking at the calendar this morning, I was like, my gosh, our daughter Tegan goes back in twelve days. So we will be

loading the blue bags one last time into the card and for her to finish out her last semester. And you know, it is. It's just hard to believe that it's already here. So we thought we'd talk about some of the things that we have learned after doing this now for so many times that might help y'all that are new to move in or things that maybe you didn't think of if you are going through that move in process for the

Upteenth time.

Rick Denton (01:03)
Well, and we also know that there are plenty of our listeners that are have done this, they're past the season of life. Y'all are the ones with the wisdom and the expertise. This is something that we have talked about in our book. We've been honored to see how many of y'all have been buying the book. So first, thank you. And then secondly, I have a request. Would you be willing to go on to Amazon and leave a review? That is the best way to help other folks that are entering this stage of life to come discover the book. The

First thing that comes to mind for us when we are thinking about that move in period is help them, but only as much as they want to be helped. It is a time that you feel like with your years of experience that you know how to do this better. You know how to do things more efficiently. This, however, is their first step into that young adult life. And

They want you to be available, but this is your chance to encourage them to take that lead in whatever that lead looks like.

Clancy Denton (02:10)
Yeah, and you know, some kids are going to want you to set up their entire room. Some are not. You know, it just depends. You just have to know your child. We had one that was like, No, I got it good, y'all go. The other one wanted everything laid out, wanted it done similar to how her room is here. We knew when to step in and when to back off.

And you know, I was even getting texts after the fact, hey, where are my necklaces? And I was like, Okay, well we did this.

Rick Denton (02:50)
So we definitely help. So that's one th I like that you said that because this isn't just about nope, they're off on their own and let go. And and every family has different situations. We recognize that that may literally be the case, that look, you the best you could do is get your kid there, drop them off, and you gotta get back. We understand that, but for those of you that are there for this moment. I think too, even in that story that you're telling there, it was great to see her

Do things that I hadn't seen her do before. She wanted to build her furniture. And one of my favorite pictures is that picture of her building her furniture, learning what the hell of an Allen wrench is and having to experience that. And it was great to because I know I could have done it faster, but it was great to see that. Then the flip side of that though was there were moments where she got up and was

wandering the halls and meeting new people and doing all that, which was great too. The help that we offered was to allow her to do that while we were the ones installing or organizing. That may have been when the necklaces got placed in the drawer because she was meeting people. And honestly, I'd rather her have that skill than knowing the best way to store a necklace or build a piece of furniture.

Clancy Denton (04:00)
Yeah, and it's going to be an intense day. Those of you who have been through it, and we also know from our own experience as college students at one point, it is an intense day. If you can find something to do that is away from campus that isn't so college focused, it's good to just have that little break. Find a restaurant that's away from campus.

Go play we played miniature golf. You know, there were just some things that go to a movie. It's gonna be hot if if you have time. Again, I get it. We our kids went states away, so we were there for there for a few days. Some people, you drive up, drop off, you drive back. That's what my parents did when they took me because my school was only two hours away. But if you are going to be there for an extended amount of time, just

Just try to get them out of that everything is about this right now going on and let them breathe a little bit, let yourself breathe a little bit.

Rick Denton (05:09)
Well, that was one of the things that that that breathe that you're describing provided the opportunity for discussions and emotions to be released that we weren't expecting. That is w it was one of those times that we were caught off guard by some of the emotion that came out, but it because we were away from campus, we got to have that family time and all that. And one of the things you described, the miniature golf became one of the favorite places for us to return to. Now y'all, the name of this place is golf and stuff.

Clancy Denton (05:36)
Yeah.

Rick Denton (05:37)
Love everything

about that. And it's the old school outdoor putt putt place.

Clancy Denton (05:46)
Arcade

on the inside. It's just fun, yeah. And and I'm sure we will golf

Rick Denton (05:50)
And it's nowhere near campus.

Clancy Denton (05:52)
and stuff a couple more times this semester.

Rick Denton (05:54)
So

and it it then sort of plants the seeds for things that you can continue to do when if you have that opportunity to return back to campus. I mentioned there that it unlocked some emotions. That is something that we experienced and want to make sure everyone else knows, you're gonna feel all of the emotions. And it's okay.

Clancy Denton (06:17)
I

mean, you guys know it anytime you've moved anywhere, tempers flare, you're you know, people are gonna get upset with each other, it's gonna be it

Rick Denton (06:28)
unicorns and rainbows.

Clancy Denton (06:30)
it's hot, you're tired, you're trying to get this stuff done all in some short amount of time.

Rick Denton (06:36)
Move in in August. Arizona and any in southern states should just declare that move in is going to be at a different time of the year.

Clancy Denton (06:45)
Okay, but it's not. So you have to deal with it. And they're gonna be excited, they're gonna be happy, but they're also there's gonna be sadness coming from both directions. And sometimes that sadness comes out in different ways. We have a funny story that didn't involve us. There's a little train that runs near campus, we were on that train and

This mom and daughter were getting into it and the ma or the daughter just got off at the stop. She just got off and left the parents on the train.

Rick Denton (07:23)
And had some some verbal she expressed her dissatisfaction on the way out the door, but made sure that door closed where her parents were stuck on the train.

Clancy Denton (07:33)
And I mean, obviously they could just get off at the next stop, but it was just we were all like, watching this go down and so yes, things just emotions come up that e you know, are all those emotions have been there the whole summer, but now they're boiling down into this one, you know, twenty four to forty eight hour period that a lot is happening and a lot is going on.

Rick Denton (08:01)
And and one of those emotions, kinda like that that family was feeling there, can be that as a parent you almost feel abandoned as your student is already starting to meet people or getting off the train earlier, that sort of stuff. They may want you to leave. That's normal. Even that emotion, it's okay to feel that way, recognize that's part of your student's growth and your own growth as a family launching this young adult.

Clancy Denton (08:27)
I remember again two different kids, like everyone who has multiple children, your children are also different. You know, we had helped Tanner move in all day, gotten everything settled, and then, you know, we're like, okay, let's go out to dinner. He's like, no, you know, my roommates and I are all going here and then and we were like,

Okay, so then you, me, and Tegan went to dinner and it was the most awkward just sitting there like our child's not here. We haven't left yet, but it was

Rick Denton (09:03)
Yeah. And looking back, that was actually good. We were starting to not only begin our journey as a couple as one kid is peeling off, but we were gonna enjoy three years with the other kid being the primary at home. And I think that was the

Clancy Denton (09:22)
Beginning

of that. I and I think again you have to know your top because Tegan was not ready for us to she wanted to go to dinner with us. She wanted to go you know, she wasn't quite ready to be that independent. We weren't even sure if she wanted to stay in her dorm room that night, which she did. She ended up staying, but it's kind of they're all different. They're all just different. So

Rick Denton (09:47)
There are a series of conversations that have with a lot of folks may have been taking place before, but this is the moment, especially if you're together as you're doing the move in. And then if you're hearing this after the move in, that's okay. Well

Clancy Denton (10:02)
Yes,

because some of these conversations come after the fact.

Rick Denton (10:06)
Right. And you start to discover them after the fact, if you can start to understand them ahead of time. And one of the biggest is budgeting. And it sounds so simple. I think most families probably are saying, Yeah, we have the budgeting conversation. Either they're totally on their own, we're subsidizing, or that we're all in, whatever that looks like. There's so much though that we found was unexpected, well and dramatically unexpected with our son in the fact that suddenly COVID hit and the

Let's just say the meal delivery from the university in their quarantine was less than desired. So the DoorDash budget was an unexpected spike there at the beginning while they were in lockdown.

Clancy Denton (10:45)
Yeah, when he's sending us pictures of what they're delivering to their room, I was like, gross. I don't know what that is because the cafeteria that they ha they had access to was amazing. Great food. Sushi on Wednesdays. I mean, it it was, you know. And so when they're getting delivered this stuff that looks like I don't know what, yeah, I was like, no. So yes, ten days of door dashing because back then that's when you had to stay out for ten days.

That was not something that we had planned for. Now, going back to though the discussions beforehand with budgeting, do you remember how hard that was? Cause you're trying to figure out, okay, what are they gonna need socially? Now, when they were in the dorm, it was a little bit easier because you didn't have rent and utilities on top of that. But I mean, I remember those just trying to figure out, okay, what is gonna be their monthly stipend and what, you know.

How is that going to fluctuate or change? And another thing, if they join clubs or if they're in fraternities or sororities, those may be expenses too that you're not prepared for. And for parents who have been through that, as we have with one, those costs you don't think about necessarily before.

Rick Denton (12:10)
Those are all and and those are all costs that can be known or at least anticipated. And so that's what we're encouraging is have those discussions. I think what comes up a lot for families that's unexpected after moving is

Well, exactly that. The unexpected. That meal swipes happen to go faster go faster because it is i i it can be remarkably confusing the swipes that the c the cash system or dining dollars, what every school is so different and it can be very confusing and your student can find themselves in a situation where they're they've run out of either of those two categories. And this isn't I would say that I'm not here saying and here's how someone should handle it. I'm saying the discussion ahead of time of

what happens when those run out. Is this a mommy and daddy fill in? Is this a you have to figure out your own sa savings student? What that looks like, those are the discussions to have ahead of time of when the unexpected happens, where will those funds come from? It's a lot easier to prepare for that discussion than it is to have it in the moment. Yes.

Clancy Denton (13:13)
Because just just getting requests for can you Venmo me this money or hey, you know, seeing things on our credit card pop up that you're like, are we paying for that?

Rick Denton (13:25)
It

it's sort of the equivalent of game day when the kid holds up the sign and the QR code of Venmo me, you know. You you you may not want to have that for your student and if so, have that conversation. So yeah.

Clancy Denton (13:36)
Of course and again as I'm looking at these categories that we're talking about, this is very much two marriage type things or, you know, relationship type discussions because the next one that we want to talk about is communication.

Rick Denton (13:57)
Wait, marriages need communication?

Clancy Denton (13:59)
Yes. And what what do they say the the biggest d cause of divorce? Finances and communications. Very

Rick Denton (14:07)
Yeah.

know, that is actually as if I can just do an aside here real quick. I know we've been talking a ton about getting the kids moved in and and and this it is because that's what August and September is for a lot of folks as they're going into the empty nest. We also know that a lot of you have already done that in the past. I don't want to say we're returning to s regularly scheduled program because this is what people are feeling at this moment. But know that we're aware of that too, and there's a lot to be discussed without the kids being a part of that conversation that will be

talking about here as we get into the fall season for sure.

Clancy Denton (14:40)
But yeah, so communication again things that can be set ahead of time, which I don't necessarily know that we did it ahead of time because

Rick Denton (14:53)
One thing you said ahead of time

Clancy Denton (14:55)
What?

Rick Denton (14:56)
that you needed to hear from them at least once a day.

Clancy Denton (15:01)
And I think I said that more so when the second one went off because the first one texts and calls all the time and that that's never been an issue. I did not realize how when she was out of our house, it would be like there were a couple of times that I like, Hey, are you good? It'd be multiple days. Yeah. I don't think I would let it go more than

I don't think I'd let it go more than thirty six hours.

Rick Denton (15:34)
I guess technically that's multiple days, but yeah.

Clancy Denton (15:37)
Yes, I get your point.

And maybe even twenty four. And that's when I had to put in the place of Hey, I need to know at least that you're good every day. You call it the free of life text, yes.

Rick Denton (15:52)
And that's that's such a thing that's we discovered after she was gone, talking about that ahead of time. And it is exactly what you said. We had mi based our expectations off of child one and and for folks who have multiple children, that's natural, right? You're gonna say, Well, it's probably very similar, but we had such different communication styles with our kids that you don't notice as much when they're in your house, that when they are out of your house, suddenly you realize,

Yeah, they don't text all that much.

Clancy Denton (16:23)
Well and with her I was shocked because she was you know, she would come and sit in our room or c and even now when she gets up in the morning after we've already been up, she comes down to the office and sits in there and talks to us for so I just never imagined that I would go a day without hearing something from her.

Rick Denton (16:46)
It shows

how we tend to think of that generation as being all digital all the time. It shows that no, actually, physical presence does actually matter. And when she's here, she's very interwoven in our lives. But when it's away, commu text communication is only as needed.

Clancy Denton (17:03)
I found with her and and a lot of you may have kids that you will learn do this or already do this, if something great happened or if something bad happened, then I'd get a phone call, a text immediately. If life is just cruising along, she was like fine to just have life cruising along. And so

Rick Denton (17:26)
And that's the thing that I think parents and we had to realize our daily rhythms are so out of sync with what a college student's daily rhythms are, that they get busy. They get hammered with studying. They are they are doing things during their days that are totally different and their their wake schedules are different than ours. And so it's not a statement of the this th your child is rejecting you. No. It's just a different kind of rhythm of life.

And establishing that communication aspect up front. Now, specifically in that c rhythm of life, here's a communication rule that I would always recommend to folks because we got burned by it a couple of times. Time zones. If mom and dad go to bed at ten o'clock and they're somewhere else, it can be helpful to remind them that we can wait till the next morning to see that picture of you at the club at two in the morning. We don't need that.

In the middle of the night. Save the middle of night text for well the the ones that need

Clancy Denton (18:26)
Yes. And that's another thing. I I'm sure most parents already do this, but the emergency bypass is a great thing on your phone if you don't have that set for we have it for our children and for each other. You know, that way no matter what if your phone is on do not disturb, it will always come through. So even at night when I turn my phone on do not disturb, if

one of them needs something, that text will always come through. Now all the more reason.

Rick Denton (18:58)
Yeah.

Clancy Denton (19:00)
I will say I have slept through it before, but it was never anything dramatic. It was always just like you said, a picture at a club or at a concert or something. Yeah. So

Rick Denton (19:12)
There is one other and sometimes look, even in spite of the best communication rules, your kid could get totally busy. We have found for those of you that are pet families, one of our best hacks to get our kids to engage with us was just send a picture of the pet. They don't care about us. But my gosh, when we send a picture of the pet, and in our case it's Tegan's cat, we're gonna get a response within seconds almost all the time. So if you need to force the communication, leverage the pet.

Clancy Denton (19:39)
Yes, good job.

Rick Denton (19:40)
This is really

what this stage is about is they are developing their rhythms. They are developing essentially what you want as a parent, their own launched independence, and they have this new found level of freedom.

Clancy Denton (19:54)
Yeah,

this is where you have to make that decision of again I don't know that we necessarily I I think this one is kind of a learn as you go because I don't think we said before how are we gonna support them? Now we were never helicopter parents to begin with. And so I don't think it was as hard for us to let them handle things without

or before we stepped in to help and support. We were always there listening, but we tried to offer advice when they asked for advice.

Rick Denton (20:37)
That's one of the most vital points. Yes. When they asked for it.

Clancy Denton (20:41)
And and again, this is also another back to marriage because when we were very young married, or this was probably even while we were still dating, and if I had something at work and I called you, you'd be like, Okay, well, you need to do this, you need to do this, you need and I'm like, No, I don't want you to tell me how to fix it. I just want you to listen to me. And yes, that is classic, you know, male

And but that's also mom wanting to fix things for their kids.

Rick Denton (21:14)
It is there's there's some irony there that it is and obviously every relationship's gonna be different. Sometimes it's the man w wanting the woman not to fix it, all that sort of thing can weave in there, but classically it is the man wanting to to fix it. It is kind of funny hearing you say that because yeah, I've I've watched that in you where you've had to kind of bite your tongue of

wanting to fix it because the mom fixes and has for those eighteen, twenty years. Now the mom needs to ask questions and say rather than statements and and the dad too. It's more about the questions. There's obviously a line that is crossed when no, you gotta you you need to step in, but there's no way for us to define what that line looks like. But I will say that in most cases that line is further out than many of us anticipate because you know what? Ya kids got it.

They really Tegan had a very challenging freshman situation with her roommate. And while we were there to listen, and we did support her with answers to questions that she would ask, we did not take the actions. Now there was a temptation, but we never took the actions. She always took the actions. Some of those she discovered on her own, some of those she asked us questions, but it was she was the one driving the solution as she was able to develop her independence.

Clancy Denton (22:32)
And and I think that will be a very common one that parents will be dealing with more so than some other things because you know, unless your child is living with someone that they've known from high school or they knew growing up or something like that, you know, these are randoms that yes, your kid has had communication with over the summer.

a a couple of times, but you can't really know someone until you live with them and yes, unfortunately, it was not a great fit for

Rick Denton (23:14)
There was a strong.

Clancy Denton (23:16)
yes, and this also goes back to the communication. During that point of time, we were talking to her daily and I and I talked to her probably more than once a day. But as we worked through it and she, like you said,

figured it out on her own. Then that's when things were good and the communication went a little bit quieter. I was like, wait a second, I'm still here.

Rick Denton (23:43)
How was there helping? I have a question for you. Hearing you say that you talked to her that much, now that everything is under it's all in the past and everything is good now, would you look back and say that it was the right a l amount of communication? Or should we have talked to her less? Was she relying on us because we were that available? More than her friends there? And I'm not trying to lead the witness, Your Honor. I'm I'm looking back, I'm really wondering.

Clancy Denton (24:12)
Because

I think at that point, luckily she had met a group of friends that she was being social with. They even had a place for her to stay when she could not stay in her dorm room a a few times. I was there to listen because things were happening daily.

Like like different things were happening daily. So no and and she was telling her friends too, but who is your kid gonna reach out to? And and you want them to reach out to you. And again, it wasn't like I was saying you need to go do this or but you know, sometimes it was, Hey, help me word this text back, help me figure out you know, what my next steps are

And and we would just direct her in the right direction to find that information, which she did. So no, I don't feel like that. But I will say this, this summer we had a she had a situation come up that by day four I was like, Okay, I'm done hearing about this because it was just the same That's what

Rick Denton (25:29)
That's the root of my question, actually, I think. Is were we delaying her action at any point by being available for the listening? And I don't think looking back freshman year that's the case. I do think there's a risk there though of you do want to be available as a parent, but you also want to guide your kid to the point of fish or cut bait.

Yes. You need like this is you are in an unhealthy situation. You need to do something about unhealthy situation, but you can't or you don't want to dictate that.

Clancy Denton (25:59)
Yeah. And that was the summer situation. The freshman year situation, totally different. Cause like I said, it was changing every day. And this was also, you know, our baby's first time to be thousands of miles away from us. And again, I wasn't fixing it for her, but I was just there to support.

Rick Denton (26:24)
I think looking back, I I agree with that assessment as I think about it. Maybe we spent more time on it, we come up but I agree with you on that one. Looking back, especially what you should have said there, it was the beginning. This is not a binary switch, this is a scale, right? And so you're you're equipping them to handle things in increasing levels of independence. The move out of the house, making you an empty nester, their move into independence is the beginning of that. But it doesn't mean that suddenly they're a fully formed maturity.

Mature forty, fifty year old heck, I'm not a fully mature formed fifty year old, right? I got plenty

Clancy Denton (26:59)
Their

frontal lobes are still still developing.

Rick Denton (27:02)
It's just i i you could you definitely could stunt them if you don't let them have that level of independence.

Clancy Denton (27:08)
You know,

there's gonna be things that come up. We focused on the roommate situation. There's going to be other things that kids are going to be dealing with, classes, professors, you name it, n trying to figure out the dining dollars is also relationship.

Rick Denton (27:23)
Right.

Clancy Denton (27:24)
And there are always resources on campus. So if you I would always go to the websites and kind of see where things were at

But if you can just guide your students to the student center, there's always resources there. There's resources all over the website. They will be able to find the person that they are supposed to be in contact with. And if they can't, we're about to have a great series coming

up.

Rick Denton (27:57)
Can I tell

Clancy Denton (27:58)
yeah, we are about to have a great series coming up talking to several students.

affairs and family affairs, people on campuses, it's gonna be really good. We are

Rick Denton (28:13)
So

excited about this one. These are the actual people that forget what we are saying. The college people, they know exactly what students and families need and

Clancy Denton (28:21)
So be on

the lookout for those episodes 'cause they will be coming up and yes, we are very, very excited to get their perspective on things and hopefully that will help some parents out there that are listening to know what resources resources are available for your

Rick Denton (28:42)
students.

And you know, be not not on one because they're available, and two because a lot of those weren't available when we were students. And so if you're coming in with the experience that you have from what your college experience was, it's so different now and there's so much out there. That's I yeah

Clancy Denton (28:58)
We are excited about those episodes coming out and we do put in our own thoughts about our episode and our weekly newsletter. So if you guys would like to join that, just head over to theloudquiet.com and you can sign up for our community and our newsletter there. We'd love to have y'all join. And again, if you are parents out there that have been through these things and you have wisdom to share on our page and on our community on Facebook, we'd love to have those tidbits from you guys.

And thanks for joining us on another episode of The Loud Quiet.