When Will Rest Come - E42

Clancy Denton  0:00  
Welcome to the loud quiet. Ooh, empty nester. Okay. What does that mean?

Rick Denton  0:06  
I think that actually probably is the theme of the empty nest. What are we doing? Let's do this. Let's do this thing. is this Recording. Yes. Okay,

Clancy Denton  0:15  
great. sans, children just does we need a tissue box up here, follow along on our journey and maybe you know we can learn from others.

Rick Denton  0:23  
I don't have a clue how to be empty nester here.

Clancy Denton  0:25  
This is the loud, quiet, living the empty nest.

Rick Denton  0:28  
Welcome back everybody, Episode 42 of the loud, quiet living the empty nest, I want to start off by saying thank you, for those that did send some messages and also commented on Facebook post about last week's episode, which was focused on my mom. And it was just nice to hear some of your stories. And thank you for sharing those stories and just being vulnerable with what your experience has been as well, which that's also a bit of an aside for those of you that have just found us either through just straight up Spotify or YouTube or any of your other listening platforms. Facebook is our primary place where we're having conversations with you all. And so if you aren't already following the loud quiet or Clancy and me individually, go out there and follow loud, quiet. And that's where you can keep up with the show. But thank you all for for that of episode 41. And now it's on to 42 Yes.

Clancy Denton  1:17  
And first of all, Happy Father's Day today is today's Father's Day. So Happy Father's Day to all of our listeners. I would imagine most of our listeners are fathers. Because to be an empty nester, I guess, at some point, you have to be a father but and I realized we do have some that do not have children that listen. So we appreciate that. Yes, Happy Father's Day. I guess. Everyone, everyone either has to have a father or is a father. So I guess biologically biologically. Yes, I understand. Some people do not have a relationship with their fathers. But yes, fathers can

Rick Denton  1:58  
pass. So everybody's got a unique situation. But today is Father's Day where we do focus on

Clancy Denton  2:02  
so Happy Father's Day. So yeah, so you know we are this podcast is about being empty nesters. That's why we started it. We have now had almost coming up almost on a year under our belt and being empty nesters. And so this is our first summer with going from that back to Oh, the kids are back or some are back and some fly in at certain points and go back. But so it has been interesting to jump right back into mom and dad mode and

Rick Denton  2:46  
the difference of what mom and dad mode is to right. And that has been it's been interesting, so overused, but it has been enlightening. interesting for us to go through that. And when I think back to, if I were to have asked myself in let's call it September 3 of 2023. What I would be thinking and feeling about the return to the empty nest, I would be thinking and feeling something completely different than than what I'm thinking and feeling now. Yeah,

Clancy Denton  3:15  
and you know, it is different this summer. Because Tanner did stay in Arizona now he has come back, you know, for the services and then stayed as we talked about. And so, you know, we had a timeframe of like four days to get everything set up for him to come back and start law school and artist. And so yeah, it's it's been let me, let me just say, you, you know, told you, you spoke last week about how you, you know, we're gonna start seeing a therapist just unpack some stuff. And one of the big things you talked about with your therapist was the idea of rest. Yeah. And so we talked about that. And then I mean, seriously, the next day, the verse of the day was an I have to get sorry, I didn't do a presentation this time. So I'm flipping through. But, you know, was the mark 631 through 32. I mean, this was literally the next day and I screenshotted it to you and sent sent it to you. And you said, Yeah, I saw it this morning, you know, and it says let's go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest a while. And after going through everything that we have been through the past, you know, and to think that it's only been a month. You know, yeah, you and I are both just creating rest but when life is life, we can't do that right now.

Rick Denton  4:53  
We haven't I always I always catch ourselves on that we could we choose not to. It is an important moment. under those choices, these are the right choices not to rest right now we netted it, it is not a choice that we can continue to ignore. As I was talking in that conversation, there's just so many threads of incomplete thoughts, actions, activities, categories of life, that are difficult to untangle right now. And it was at her guidance of will, what are you doing to rest? What are you doing to recharge, and I talked about some small things, but she came to know us, I'll use the word us through my stories that travel is such a recharge for us. The kind of travel we've done, though, has been focused on others. And this is going to be incredibly selfish. But sometimes being selfish is actually the right choice. Let's go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest a while. Yeah, Heck, yeah.

Clancy Denton  5:48  
Yeah. Yeah. Because it has been I mean, like, I just, you know, I'll just flip through the barrage of I just pulled a few, you know, texts like, oh, my gosh, just to see. Yeah, no, no, we'll go back and focus on some of them. But, you know, just because your kids are college age, and they have been living on their own for how many ever months before they come back home? And not like, I mean, everyone knows that listens to our podcast. You know, we have very tight close relationships with our kids. We see we saw them at least once a month, probably every year since Tanner started school. And, you know, yes, we constantly text and do thing, but you know, I mean, it is just, okay. You figure these things out when we were states away. Yeah, but it hasn't been all that. Yeah,

Rick Denton  6:52  
we don't want to give the wrong impression. I certainly don't feel like suddenly they've completely reverted. It's more comical than serious or anything along those lines. I

Clancy Denton  6:59  
think them trying to plan a vacation, we thought it was going to be easy. They're both on college calendars. You know, great. We don't have to be back for any kind of high school stuff anymore. No, this year has been harder than any

Rick Denton  7:21  
turns out. There were actually this is not an exaggeration, not one bit. There were four days that we were able to five

Clancy Denton  7:29  
for five now. But yeah, we're not sorry. Yeah. But yeah.

Rick Denton  7:35  
Yeah. And that's it. Now, one good thing about that. It simplifies your travel planning. Yeah,

Clancy Denton  7:41  
I mean, it just stay. We fly back now. And it's because Tegan wants to work as much as she can this summer. You know, Tammy is working with painters and then painters in Arizona. But then, you know, one of the texts I have in here is, they are now going to Lollapalooza, which came together, which happens to be the four days before we leave for our vacation at the end of the summer.

Rick Denton  8:09  
He has fallen so bass ackwards into an incredible situation. So it's one of those of Heck yeah, because guess what, as we know, from being adults, once you enter into that next phase of life, and while it's law school, it's much more like a professional life than college was, it may be education, but it's still in law school. Do it now. Because you're not going to be able to do it again. And I think what you're one of the things you're talking about here, that's kind of eye opening to me, when I talk about what I've would have in September thought of last year as compared to now is, I would have thought exactly that things would have gotten easier, things would have gotten simpler. And while we have talked for 40, some odd episodes where it has gotten easier and simpler. It's not just suddenly where you can do anything you want at any time regardless of anybody else's demand, you are still part of a community, a family a relationship. And that's different than what I think a lot of folks think going into the emptiness. Yeah.

Clancy Denton  9:05  
And I think also our children being who they are and who we are and how we have incorporated travel into our lives since their beginning of their lives. You know, a lot of kids will be like, Oh my gosh, how do I get to Chicago? I don't know. I mean, Tanner, you know, through a series of texts, just because he wanted to make sure you know, he was choosing the right things and that kind of thing, you know, but it was okay, if I do this flight and this flight and this fly and like I'm in the car driving and all I'm getting is on my screen, so I get home I'm like alright, I think y'all got it all, you know, situated, but I'm just and I've even heard Tegan mentioning things. Oh, yeah. Next year, we want to go to this festival and we want to go you know, a lot of kids wouldn't think, oh, I can get on the plane and go here and go there and go Oh, you know, it's just when

Rick Denton  10:01  
you're trying to get your kids out, you're trying to equip them for life and travelskills even the basics of navigating and, yes, you know, we made, we made them guidance, getting through international stuff, made them guide us. And that's yay, pat ourselves on the back. That's something I'm actually kind of proud

Clancy Denton  10:17  
of, you know, just talking this week with one of my friends who her son is trying to plan a trip with his friends. You know, some of them didn't know how to buy a plane ticket. They've never, you know, do I go to the Yeah, I mean, and, you know, her son was like, well, it's just like, when you're getting, you know, just go online and get, you know, but yeah, there's, you know, which you, I have told, we have told this story, I don't think we've told on here. But when we do go to a different country, anywhere, you know, as the kids have gotten older, we pick, you know, there's a day that we let them kind of navigate us around so that they know and now with the phone so easy, but so that they know how to do that, you know, we let Tanner come back from in Hong Kong by himself from some night market when he was a sophomore in high school. Is

Rick Denton  11:15  
that right? Yeah. So sophomore in high school. Yeah.

Clancy Denton  11:16  
So you know, and we have let them do and I think it's benefited them because now they know how to Tegan can go get on her flight in Tucson or Phoenix and without get home. So, so yeah, that that was an aside that I wasn't expecting go down. But you know, just for you. So which?

Rick Denton  11:37  
Well, there you go. The emptiness has a lot of those besides, but they aren't. They're back. They're back. And we're involved.

Clancy Denton  11:44  
Yeah. And there are things like, there are things that they're very independent on. But then there are things that

Rick Denton  11:49  
well, another example is kind of travel related. But I would love to do one last road trip with Tanner. And it is clear that he is not as interested in that. And I don't take offense to it. I have a desire, he has a different desire. There's no offense there. But I would love to do that one last trip. But he's like, I got this I drive by myself working with clients or content client Clancer. Tanner, one last Grand Canyon visit. All right. So yeah, and it's the starting of that, like, I mean, think about our relationship with our parents. It's you just incrementally peel away from what that relationship looks like.

Clancy Denton  12:22  
Yeah. Yeah. But it has been, you know, so we can go back to the week that we were with Tanner here trying to find apartments, which doing college apartments for all of those of you who have kids in college right now. Now it's I mean, we didn't even see a single one of his apartments before he moved in. The boys went and found something. Here's the forms. I need you as the guarantor, basically, hey. We never even saw him. So this time, you know, we were a little more involved. And

Rick Denton  13:02  
I think they were involved too, because we know the city like this is a case that we did have a lawyer, if he were going to school in Atlanta, I wonder if it would have been different but with this one, because we knew the area? I think we had a greater degree of involvement. Yeah.

Clancy Denton  13:16  
Well, I don't know, I think I would have been more involved if he was going to another city. Because you know, nothing. I mean, here we knew, Okay, the village is good. Let's start there. Second generation, you know, and of course, he fell in love with it. But it is, I mean, it was different filling out the when he filled out the application, you know, it was, okay, adult, we need your offer letter or a bank statement that says you can pay for this for the entire year and 10 or so like, there's no, well, my parents are still paying for that, because he's in school still, you know, it's just you actually,

Rick Denton  13:56  
in a more precise way, we did realize that actually, his bank statement is his 529, which and so technically, that is his asset. And so yes, as an I actually, in the end, my name for the first time does not show up on any of his applications. He is fully responsible for that. Hallelujah. Praise the Lord. And yes, while it is a bank statement coming from savings as your law student, you can't get the income.

Clancy Denton  14:19  
Well, and you know, again, it's eye opening. And for those of you who have children who have now graduated and are trying to afford life, it's insane. I mean, these prices are unless you have two or three roommates, I mean, it's yeah, if you're

Rick Denton  14:40  
in a metropolitan area, right, if you're out somewhere other than say that the markets of course, you just would have thought that a place like Dallas would not have had that same New York vibe, and I know it's cheaper than New York. Of course, that idea though. I don't know how it's affordable without a roommate in this situation. There's the right savings, the right path retainer, and so he is going to go with Got a roommate the first year but I don't know what years two and three are gonna look like he may need or choose to tap into a roommate. Yeah, it was more than our mortgage. And I think a lot of folks have said that in some of that, okay, now you did your mortgage three years ago yet it still you think of getting in x square foot home compared to a 10% x square foot apartment and

Clancy Denton  15:22  
a lot of these kids, you know, coming out this year, you know, some of their contracts and you know, yeah, God. Yes. So this is a hard

Rick Denton  15:34  
year out of school, I'm very thankful that our kids are where they are. One still in school in one already choosing a professional career at law school. It's a rough market, and it's happened before I came out in a good market. I've worked in bad markets, and I've seen what happens to people who are coming out and those bad marks and it's challenging. Yeah.

Clancy Denton  15:54  
So yeah, but it has been, it has been that week that Tanner was home. It was fine. It was just, you know, senior graduated almost 22

Rick Denton  16:12  
He was living a life that didn't match up with and and it was not like he was out partying riding Whoo. Yeah, I think it just he was at times not including us, as you would anyone that you were a guest in their home. And that's kind of the the differences. Yes, you are an adult, but you're still a guest and a home. So just keep us informed if you're going to do some that kind of thing. Yeah. So it's nothing dramatic or tragic. Or oh, my gosh, we've got this. It just his independence did not match up with being a guest in a home at one. And

Clancy Denton  16:44  
he realized he said, Oh, he said, I'm just so not use to like, tell him. Hey, I'm, you know, not coming home tonight or whatever, you know, so like, yeah, we're not your roommates. So

Rick Denton  16:58  
the bed and breakfast needs to know.

Clancy Denton  17:00  
So we will be trying to get his apartment set up as quickly as possible. So that and he was very respectful while he was here. There was no you know, but but it was just, he just was so in the mentality of oh, I don't you know, I don't give anyone info when I know, you know, and which is fine. I get that.

Rick Denton  17:22  
And the reverse is true. So let's talk about the empty nesters for a second, we have lived a life for Montana. Yes. As we're saying these words are remembering having very similar sentences to say around Christmas when they're back for a few weeks. There's something about being back for a longer period of time. We have now had to adjust in a fine way of oh, wait, our decisions are influenced by someone who's living in the house as well. Tegan has a job that has hours that aren't traditional nine to five type jobs. And if we want to do something with her or vice versa, or if our schedules want to align, we now have to consider

Clancy Denton  18:00  
I actually one of the texts was actually about the because I think it was yeah, here. This was I had texted Tegan Sunday. I always make army I was like, What time are you working? Because I'm trying to plan dinner. So what you know, if it's for two or three and things that I know that she enjoys that or that she doesn't enjoy that we enjoy. So I was trying to you know, steal your comedy. What else? Yeah. And, you know, like this week, I went out on Monday night, Tuesday night, you and I had plans. And you know, she said, Well, I guess I'll just get Jersey Mike's I was like, Okay.

Rick Denton  18:47  
Is the return the emptiness? Of Yeah, you're right. You're

Clancy Denton  18:53  
which I think she was? Oh, yeah. Oh, well, this was yes. So this was another you know, we're sitting like, it's I don't even know what night this was. We were sitting watching a movie or something we had finished. I mean, I was probably already in my PJs and she texted Could someone go get me jersey, Mike's fat because she was at work and she was starving. And you even made the comment that Oh, it feels like high school. It's like

Rick Denton  19:18  
high school where I was picking up her water burger on the way home after the football game. So

Clancy Denton  19:22  
yeah, so we so there's been things like that, you know? Oh, this was another you know, hey, Tegan. I love my air pods and your card as are their headphones lying around anywhere while I was at work. I didn't see those till how many of them and it's later, right. She said, Oh, I found my ones that with the cord. So yeah, it's just like the theme

Rick Denton  19:45  
you're showing us here is just simply now that folks are in the house and vote right now but soon be folks. It's it's this weird bungee back into consideration. That sounds like I'm being impolite but Just where you think of other folks involvement in decisions, that you get texts that you wouldn't get otherwise that Well, if your air pods are missing in Tucson, I can do anything with your air pods in Tucson. Yeah,

Clancy Denton  20:10  
it's just and same goes, you know, I mean you know, I had, you know, she said Lucas coming over, then you know, but I do, too. I love Tegan because she still is like asking permission. Is it okay, if I go do this? I'm like, Yeah, you know, that's fine. You don't have to ask me like it's, you know, responded,

Rick Denton  20:34  
I don't know that you show the spots? I thought we did. If we didn't we set it late,

Clancy Denton  20:38  
I think Yeah. I think I think you and I talked about that. We said,

Rick Denton  20:42  
Hey, you realize you don't have to ask our permission. You

Clancy Denton  20:45  
I mean, keep me updated. Those are gonna be gone. But you don't have to ask me, you know. So? Yeah, it's just there. You know, I get it. She's trying to this is her first summer back. She's figuring out, you know, after her first year of college, so she's trying to figure out her boundaries. We're trying to figure out, you know, we've already had experience with this with Tanner. But now it's, you know, yeah, both of them. And then here's the issue with Tanner that we have is that it's because we don't see him now every day. And this started happening senior year, it was of college. We would go longer than a couple of days without a text and I'm like, Are you good? Are things good? Oh, yeah. Great. You know, and I think sometimes they feel like if nothing, were good, or exciting or bad happened that they don't need to like,

Rick Denton  21:43  
well think about it with our fans. And I keep saying our parents now your parents? Do you text your mom every day?

Clancy Denton  21:49  
No, but we never did that to begin with.

Rick Denton  21:51  
I know. But I could see that. Our time. Yeah, whether it's 35 or we're gonna get a text every day. Yeah,

Clancy Denton  21:57  
it's a little different than you know. But yeah, so So yeah, so now we're trying to you know, can you because we're talking about of course flights somewhere and can you talk and it's always you know, oh I can and 15 Give me 20 Give me the you know and then this was you know, they were headed out we needed to talk again about some logistics stuff. They were going to being and you know, he said I can call you

Rick Denton  22:24  
Yeah, get to know do a nice float till sunset there are elements of I'm going to use you know what I'm gonna not say it negatively. I'm going to use what Tanner sending is inspiration that is empty nesters. We need to find a way to go do a nice little float till sunset sometime that we can have that flexibility that he's experiencing now. Before he goes to law school

Clancy Denton  22:44  
Painter is that to entertainers that kid that? I mean, we've caught he's the cruise director, he's, you know, that's what his friends have called him refer to him as before, because he will plan things. If you want to come you been calm? If not not, you know, but he is very social, very wants to, you know, be doing things and, and I think he's kind of this is his first summer to stay out there. And yes, he's working. But you know,

Rick Denton  23:19  
we're on audio, I did the air quotes there. You heard it in her tone, he is making an income. It's not the hardest jobs. And he knows that.

Clancy Denton  23:26  
But he's doing things that he didn't get to do during school. And he's like, Man, I wish I would have done some more of this stuff. But I'm glad he's out there now and is getting to do it instead of once he gets back and then, you know, doesn't have time or money to do any of this stuff. So but yes, all of his you know, we've been still trying to deal with his apartment on this one

Rick Denton  23:53  
as an example of their back. And all we've been talking about is how involved we are as parents because we're empty nest, but we're parents, right, we're involved and look how more involved we are than we thought we'd be involved. This is a great example of, but you're not involved. This was he's going through the process of an application with an apartment complex. And yes, he contacted us if he needed a piece of information. And we helped him with that piece of information. A few days later, because I think it was Saturday that he completed it whatever this says Tuesday. You had to reach out and say, Hey, any news from the village? Well, there's responses. Yeah, they receive my documents and are processing it. In his mind. He's like, I got this. I'm not keeping up to date, not because I'm hiding it from you. But I'm a 20x year adult and I got this thing and that's this is a good example of Yeah, parent. I'm good. Well,

Clancy Denton  24:44  
and I still have I mean, still, I'm his mom. I want things to be set up. I want things to be ready for him. You know, I want I want to make it nice. That's a phrase from another part. cast, but oh, you know, I just, I want things to be as seamless as possible for him. And you know, we're sitting there going, because we could get he, he can technically move in a week before he even is coming home. And I said, Oh, well, we'll just get the keys. And then you said, I don't know that they will legally give us the keys. And so and people to know, and I'm like, Oh, so you know, I'm hoping Tanner can tell them, hey, my parents are coming, because it would be great for us to have things done before. I think

Rick Denton  25:39  
we don't have time because we actually are recording this before heading out to church. I think that'd be interesting. You said something there. That's a little bit cluing. It would be good for us. What's the definition of us? In your mind, right there is us the three of us or is us, the two of us. Because I wonder if in Tanner's mind, he doesn't care. If he gets to move in early that week, you and I would love to get the furniture out of the house and set up because that's easy. A lot of furniture. So it's good for I know this. It's good for us, Rick Clancy. I don't know that Rick Clancy Tanner, as an us cares as much. And that's, that's part of the emptiness evolution that I think we are still figuring out is recognizing and almost letting go of things. That yes, it would be important to me if this happened, but it's the other person's life. And I have to let that go.

Clancy Denton  26:38  
So good question. Yeah. Well, I think you and I have had we've had a lot of discussions not net and not necessarily empty nest related, but around this subject of you. And I like things wrapped up tied in a bow put on the shelf, I know exactly what we're talking about. You know, we I don't know how both of us ended up that way and can make it work in our marriage. Because a lot of times you have one person that loosey goosey. Yeah, but But you and I are both very I don't sometimes take it to the extreme with the spreadsheets and that kind of thing. But I like things to be ordered, you know, I like it to be done. I like our house to be organized. I like things to be done. I don't like stuff left out places. So I think that's just in my nature that if he can move in on the 12 Let's get it moved in and let's get it you know, and the department because I know a lot of this is going to fall on you me because one, he's not going to be here for another probably two weeks. And then we have boom, boom, boom, all this stuff right after that. So it'd be so nice to have everything done. And you know, Tanner trusts me in picking out things that you know, and I said I'll send you pictures and things if I need to go start buying them.

Rick Denton  28:14  
I think this is an interesting place to to work on such a therapy kind of word and the conversation that you and I are alluding to was actually exposed to me through the therapist of like hey, here's these categories Monchi inventory What do you have control over versus what do you not have control over? And even something like that that Tanner might trust you? And I'll say you here because he probably didn't trust me to purchase because I don't trust me to purchase trust you but is that the right thing? Should he be making his own purchases should he do is my

Clancy Denton  28:46  
hairs my and I'm not challenged? I know. My thing to that is that if he were starting a job I think I'd feel differently he's still in school. Who's paying for that school? It's still coming from this is good.

Rick Denton  29:05  
Oh, I can already see all my little newspaper articles that I read and Dear Abby and others of you know when you take money they're strings attached. But But

Clancy Denton  29:14  
I am not I no different. I want it to be set up for him to be nice. I'm not the I have never been the mom and I will not be the mom that just Hey shows up on his doorstep because I'm I'm paying for this so I can come. No, I don't.

Rick Denton  29:32  
I'm glad you're clarifying that for those. I don't do that. No, that's

Clancy Denton  29:35  
not you. But I do want our kids to be comfortable. I want them to be set up and I think it just goes back to again. I don't like loosens I don't like things that are not settled. Yeah, I don't it it uh, nerves, me. And so yeah.

Rick Denton  29:54  
Oh, this guy because at the end and we're actually I'm looking I'm cheating. I'm looking at the clock. We do need to wrap up here. Yeah, um This got good because I think this last part is exposed through the Fed. Let's go back to what the show this episode is about the kids are back. And what does that mean? And what are the differences there? And this right here, this discussion, I think is going to be such a key part of what it means to be successful at empty nesting, and successful at being the parent inside of an empty nest as your kids evolve into that adulthood is that balance

Clancy Denton  30:27  
and having one back in town, you know, that's gonna be in town. He's not in our town, but he's in he's a driving distance. So it will be interesting. I will say this though. I have really enjoyed having. I mean, I love Tanner. He's not here, but I really have enjoyed having Tegan because like, even yesterday, I was like, I yelled to you, hey, I need to run to Walmart. So I go, Wait, I'll come with you. Because I need you know, so it is Senator. You know, it's, it's fun, and we're supposed to start our sandwich tour around town. She and I Tni are huge sandwich people. And so we're

Rick Denton  31:10  
I would love for y'all when you finish the tour for me not to be in the episode, and you and Tegan narrate at least a portion of the sandwich tour. Chances of that are very low. But man, I'd be more than happy to sit those 10 minutes out which I'll do that. Wow, I did not think and that's the joy of sometimes being slightly unscripted. This was fun to get to a conversation that got a deeper than a and I think there's more to cover in that. Probably forget cover, like we know what we're doing. There's more to experience and learn. And we're gonna screw up and we're gonna get it right. And we're going to well share those stories with anyone who's with LinkedIn watch or listen with us.

Clancy Denton  31:50  
And I'm sure you know, I mean, I know and my group that I'm going out with Thursday night, you know, several of those kids have graduated and moved into apartments and you know, we all kind of I think we all most of us feel kind of the same way that you're you're trying to set your kids up to start off strong, so yeah. Well, there you go. It's been another episode of the loud quiet, living the empty nest

Transcribed by https://otter.ai