Relationship Check In for Empty Nesters Part 1 E154

Clancy Denton (00:00)
This week on The Loud Quiet, Relationship Check-in for Empty Nesters Part One. In this episode, we'll go through relationship check-in questions and begin discussing the five love languages. Enjoy part one. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The Loud Quiet. Today we're going to do something a little different. We're going to do a relationship check-in live. That's right. We've got our sheets of paper in our

It is something that we will be doing well in real time. It's not rehearsed. Yeah. Yes. And when I was on one of my walks this week, I was listening to a podcast that I always listened to. And he was asking the people that work for him, Do y'all do relationship check ins? You know, how often do you do them? And I mean, some people have a series of like three questions that they ask their partner every single night.

Whoa Yeah. Then some were like, yeah

Rick Denton (01:01)
Questions. Are you annoyed with this question happening every night?

Clancy Denton (01:05)
Well, it was could I do anything better today? You know, those kind of things. Other people said, Ooh, I haven't done one of those in a while. And some people said, yeah, we do a monthly check in. So you know, I feel like

In our younger years and when we had the kids, I feel like we did these a lot more than we do now just because there were so many other stressors going on in life that maybe some areas were not getting as much of attention as needed.

Rick Denton (01:40)
Think that's right. And I think that there's a risk that as you are married longer and longer and longer, that you feel like you've got this, that you can put things on cruise control, that you can put things on autopilot and you might skip some of those. Whereas when you're newer, you're still wondering and kind of still figuring it out. And I could see that and I could see that especially kind of in the empty nest world that we made it, we figured it out. And if you don't do those check ins

you could really be missing some divergence that could hurt you.

Clancy Denton (02:15)
Well, and I feel like too, a lot of times those check ins were we need to have a conversation about our relationship and what's going on. It was more of a we gotta figure some things out before things go further south.

Rick Denton (02:32)
Like

a pre crisis intervention rather than just a it it it those were going to your doctor because you felt sick as opposed to, hey, let's do an annual physical. Mm-hmm.

Clancy Denton (02:43)
So we thought that we would do the questions with y'all and see where we're at.

Rick Denton (02:52)
And we will put these questions in the show notes if you want to do this and take this with your partner and do a relationship check in. You can use these exact questions, but certainly use your own as well. And I

Clancy Denton (03:05)
will say one part of this, so stay tuned, is we did the extensive love languages quiz, not just the little quick one that you do. And so we're gonna be discussing our results and where we fall into that. So so stay tuned. Do you think it was IO that's interesting. We'll get to that when we get to that. Let's get into it.

Rick Denton (03:29)
All right, so question one Are we still on the same page about how we want to spend our time, such as more togetherness or more independence?

Clancy Denton (03:43)
So this question comes at a timely space because five

Rick Denton (03:51)
Interesting choice word twos.

Clancy Denton (03:53)
five years ago, I would have definitely said, more togetherness because we were both in our separate jobs. You had an office, you were gone during the day, sometimes traveling, we had the kids. Now that we are working together.

And in the same space, I think my answer to this one is a little different. And especially because we just got back from being in hotels together for many days. And in hotels there's nowhere to escape to.

Rick Denton (04:37)
Not only that, there's no privacy, there's no there's no audio privacy.

Clancy Denton (04:41)
Always

Rick Denton (04:43)
Hotels, let's have doors that close in the bathroom, thank you.

Clancy Denton (04:46)
Yeah,

whoever a and I know we have friends that have them in their houses. Whoever incr invented or thought, hey, let's put barn doors in houses and hotel rooms for bathrooms, no, bad idea.

Rick Denton (05:05)
So aside from from toilet talk, it sounds like you are saying we need more independence. And the question's are we on the same page?

Clancy Denton (05:16)
What do you?

Rick Denton (05:17)
I wonder what I th actually, it's funny, I didn't know that you were going to bring up the staying in the hotels because I thought by the end of that, well, one, we always joke about that we retire to our separate rooms when we come home after a trip like that. I definitely think we need to find more independence. I

I think there's even some element of almost groupthink in our business and in our relationship because we're always together. And there's not this opportunity to just be independently creative and live not a separate life, because I don't want to live a separate life from you. But I there are things that I want to go do that are independent of what you might want to do. There are moments that would be nice to just

I spend all day at the library or something like that instead of here in the house side by side with you. Those you

Clancy Denton (06:09)
Feel free to do that.

Rick Denton (06:11)
can go spend the day at the library. The point is that I think by being and y our office truly is where we're sitting three, four feet apart from each other, and it's awesome for collaboration. I think we've just overindexed on that and it's good to have some of that space.

Clancy Denton (06:26)
So do you okay, so you said to be independently creative. What because I feel like I use all of our a lot of my creative juices on our business and everything that goes into that. I'm not really looking for

More

creativity outside of that. You know, I I had that children's book idea that, you know, has totally gotten put on the back burner, but right now I just don't think that I'd have the mental capacity to work on that.

Rick Denton (07:07)
Yeah, that's a good distinction.

I don't mean a new necessary new ideas, although by being in a physically separate space from each other, there is the chance for new ideas to be generated. I think more just in the sense that I know I think better when I'm alone. I collaborate better when you and I are bouncing ideas off of each other, but just letting the brain kind of percolate and let things happen.

Even if we're sitting in a room together quietly, it's not the same as if I'm by myself away. And it's not just the creative aspect. I think those are the words that just rolled out of my eye my my ass.

Clancy Denton (07:53)
Okay.

Rick Denton (07:54)
I kinda meant my mouth, but you know, it rolled out my ass. I think it's just also it's just good to just take some time away and you're just enjoying your own space.

Clancy Denton (08:04)
Well, I had this idea for the episode when I was out by myself. I do get a lot of ideas when we are separate and then we come back together and I mean, just like the other morning I said, I had this idea and we were like, Yes, great. And you come to me with those things too. But

I don't know that I could go and sit at the library for four to five hours. I don't know that I could either. Right. But

Rick Denton (08:38)
The idea is just the being away.

Clancy Denton (08:40)
Yeah. I mean, I know like this afternoon you have your haircut and that involves going and having a beverage before and then getting your haircut. So I know, okay, I'm gonna have this amount of time to myself. You know, I just got back from lunch with a friend. You had that amount of time by yourself. So I think maybe and we and we discussed this before, like throwing in some days where it's just like, okay, we're not

working today or we're working until whatever time

Rick Denton (09:14)
We're just not working together.

Clancy Denton (09:16)
But here's the problem with that. Because I don't know if this

bugs you and bugs is the wrong word. But if I'm trying to work on like yesterday, I went ahead and started something that

I didn't need both of us to start. But all I can hear is you on your keyboard over there. And so I'm like, it's it's just it's distracting. And so I don't know that we could be in the same space. Yeah,

Rick Denton (09:51)
No, no was saying away.

Clancy Denton (09:53)
I know, but who who

Rick Denton (09:55)
Then my words were wrong.

Clancy Denton (09:57)
but okay, then who leaves? 'Cause I don't necessarily want to leave.

Rick Denton (10:02)
Well, I think to be fair, we have to probably balance that a bit. So I do think though, in the the context of the question, we are on the same page that we should find a little more independent time. that we've we've got plenty of togetherness. We need a little more independent.

Clancy Denton (10:19)
All right. Question two. What's one thing about our day to day life together that's working really well right now? And what's one thing that you would change? Now, I hate when questions say one thing, but

Rick Denton (10:32)
If we come up with ideas for sure.

Well, you know what I also hate about questions like this is then I'm thinking about this off the cuff and then, you know, forty minutes later I'm gonna think of something else. But what it immediately comes to mind is I think our gym rhythms work really and our athletic rhythms work really well as far as a schedule. One that we're both committed to doing it. And I don't think that either of us needs this, but just by seeing the other person working out kind of encourages the other person if there was ever any interest in slipping in that. And we don't in relation to what we're talking about earlier

We do different athletic endeavors. And I think that actually works really well. I think one thing that I would want to change is we frequently in the evenings, our evenings are TV. And the exceptions to that tend to be if we have somebody over, if we have a life group over, or if we're leaving the house. I think what I'd like to change is even when we're in the house.

on some evenings that it's not TV centric, but it's something else. Now don't ask me the next question. I don't know what it is. I just think that that could be something that could add a little variety to what evenings look like.

Clancy Denton (11:51)
I agree with both of those things. Maybe. The the

Doing well

Rick Denton (11:58)
More interesting when you disagree.

Clancy Denton (12:00)
the doing well, yes, I would agree. Our schedules we tend to work together, even though we are in the same place, we tend to work together with our schedules around working out, lunch, those kind of things.

The TV thing is interesting to me because especially because we're not home now every single night of the week. I mean, I couldn't tell you the last week we've been home every single night of the week. It it just doesn't happen anymore, which great. So really it's probably only three times three to four times a week. Everyone knows I love TV.

And I don't get to watch it during the day anymore. I just I don't. And so that to me is just downtime in the evening and I enjoy the series that we are watching.

And so I just I don't know if I would really I get what you're saying, but I already read before we go to bed. So I don't need I don't want to just sit there and read.

We do play games now and then, games that we can play for two people.

And I'm not suggesting.

Rick Denton (13:29)
Yeah. But

I get what you're saying. Yeah. Like I look at us. we've got our relationship. I I

Clancy Denton (13:48)
No,

because my change would be what we already discussed is that we just need a little, I think, more time apart. Which sounds horrible. You know what I mean.

Rick Denton (14:00)
Sounds horrible when you say it out loud. I'm the one who said it too.

All right, so let's talk about communication.

Do we still talk about things other than logistics, the house, the finances, the kids? When is the last time that we've had a conversation that wasn't about a task?

Clancy Denton (14:27)
I think this goes in phases, especially when there's some event or something that involves the kids or involves finances or involves the house. So

I feel like we do talk about other things, like you'll see an article in the newspaper and then we'll talk about that. Or you know, I've heard something on a podcast and we'll talk about that. So I this one I don't feel like we have a ton of issues in except when there is something going on with the house or the townhouse or the rental home or, you know, the kids.

something going for them going through something, then yes, we are very much focused on that. But I feel like we're both pretty aware of when that starts to happen.

Rick Denton (15:28)
Well, 'cause I think we both get bored with it.

Clancy Denton (15:30)
Well, yeah, that's true.

Rick Denton (15:32)
We're aware because suddenly that little trigger inside of us is like, ugh. All right, we gotta have something else. I think that this is one that I would say actually doesn't happen organically. I think that our natural inclination is either and we've done this, we've sat at dinners very quietly. Sometimes there's music playing, sometimes there's not. And that's actually okay. It it wouldn't be okay if it were all the time.

Clancy Denton (15:55)
But that's okay because we've been together all day. So I I I know what you're talking about, but yeah.

Rick Denton (16:03)
And I I think that because our natural inclination is to fall back into talking about work, fall back into talking about the kids, that sort of thing, I know that there are times that I actually when I'm reading the paper, like you brought that up, the paper, the podcast, those kind of things, I'll I'll actually make a note of this would be good to talk about at dinner. And I won't bring it up during the day on purpose so that there's a conversation starter. It's no different to some degree than those little that little brick that we had

when the kids were still in the house and younger of conversation starters at the dinner table. And I don't think that's necessarily anything bad. I think it's something that as we do more of those kind of conversations, we'll start to it'll become even more natural. Right now though, I think our natural reflex is to go back into business kids, house, logistics.

Clancy Denton (16:53)
And it also reminds me of when, you know, you would have a date night when your kids were younger and you'd get to the restaurant and then you'd realize the entire time you talked about the kids.

Rick Denton (17:06)
And

you'd catch it sometimes halfway through, Nope, no more kid talk, we're done and then you would stare blankly at each other for the next five minutes, trying to think, Okay, is there anything in the restaurant to talk about or is there

Clancy Denton (17:17)
You say that you and I have always been very good conversationalists, even with each other. You know, you are my best friend and so we've always had stuff to talk about outside of the kids. Like, I mean, last night in Life Group you said something and I was like, I don't know that part of that story, Alan.

Rick Denton (17:41)
I

cannot believe you did not know that story.

Clancy Denton (17:43)
But back to your point of saving conversations for dinner, like when I just got home from lunch, you're like, How was lunch? No, wait, don't tell me wait till dinner. I'm like, okay. So

Rick Denton (17:54)
I did.

Clancy Denton (17:56)
we can't pre plan our conversation.

Rick Denton (17:59)
You

know, there's a lot of like when couples have kids and they're having trouble with intimacy, i and more specifically sex, and there will be advisors that say schedule it. Well, put it on the calendar. This is related to that too, that if there are if you find yourself and not that we're there, but if you find yourself in a conversational challenge, well then schedule it. Meaning go out there and figure out topics ahead of time to talk, because this is something you mentioned, best friend. I feel the same way about you, but

This is a part of why I feel best friends with you, because I can have real conversations with you. And and real doesn't always mean deep. It can be real can be very shallow, but they just are real conversations rather than just how do we operate a household and a business together.

Clancy Denton (18:49)
And that goes to the next question is when's the last time we had a conversation that wasn't about a task? Well those kind of good I mean I mean the thing is too is that when you are working together with your significant other, there's a lot of conversations about tasks and sometimes they bleed into your non business hour times and

in the business that we are in, some of our non business hour times are doing business things. So you know, but again, I feel like we are pretty good about finding other things to talk about.

Rick Denton (19:37)
Okay, so we've done a lot of agreeing here. And the good thing about what we're about to talk to talk about next is it's the love languages. And the love languages really highlight not points of disagreement, but points of difference, and how that difference is something to know so that, well, I guess maybe it doesn't turn into disagreements. So why don't we get into our love languages? And the question that inspired us to really look at this was

What's one way you feel loved right now and one way you wish you felt more loved?

Clancy Denton (20:14)
So yes, so for those of you who have who know what the five love languages are, it's a book by Gary Chapman. And when we opened up this page to do this in depth quiz. So yes, this one was a little more in depth and

It highlighted some things that maybe we didn't know, but then I also feel like it reinforced some of the things that we did know.

Rick Denton (20:47)
Let's let's get right into it then. So I think let me just ask this, what was your top one?

Clancy Denton (20:56)
My top but the second one's very close. I mean, they're like neck and neck. My top one was Acts of Service, which I knew going into this that that was going to be my top. I don't know where along the way that switched, but that has become my top one.

Rick Denton (21:18)
Can you so that doesn't because we've kind of talked about that at the high level, but expand because one of the good things about this expansion is acts of service means a lot of different things. And in this expanded one, it kinda highlighted a little bit more of that. What did you learn that you can kind of teach me about how to love you when it comes to acts of service?

Clancy Denton (21:40)
So yeah, so when you do the more in-depth one, it breaks it down into the categories that they have put under acts of service. So my biggest one is that it saves time for me. So running errands. Now there are certain errands that yes, I enjoy you running. Like if you're going to pick up a prescription for me or you're filling my car up with gas, I don't need you to go to the grocery store because

One, it would take you days to find everything and two, I don't know what we would come home with. So but those little things that I see as a nuisance, it's nice when those get taken off of my plate by you.

Rick Denton (22:25)
And it's the time saver one. What and that's what I like about that because that helps me be very crystallized in my mind that like you said, the grocery store isn't one to take off of that plate. But what are like what's one that is low on that as an act of service that didn't mean as much to you?

Clancy Denton (22:46)
Alleviate stress. And I think just like their example is bringing dinner while you work late. Well, that doesn't happen and has never happened because I've always been home to do dinner. So it's interesting though because those two to me kind of I don't feel stress if I need to go pick up my prescription. But

I do get a sense of relief when you do it.

Rick Denton (23:17)
But I can think of like to me that crystallized in one very obvious example to me that yes, you've you've enjoyed when I do those kind of things. And I've felt that. But when I have said to you, hey, I know it's been a really busy day. Why don't I just go pick up something for dinner instead of you cooking like you'd planned? Ninety percent of the time, and maybe even higher, you say, Nah, I'd rather just cook. So that shows me in that example that it

That might relieve some stress of cooking, but you're like, nah, that that doesn't mean it doesn't fill you in a love way.

Clancy Denton (23:52)
And again, I would have almost put those two like I would have almost put this one with saves time because anticipating a need without being asked. Yeah. That I do appreciate. So that was my number one. So what was yours?

Rick Denton (24:08)
It's interesting talking about the my number one because this in depth study showed something about my number one that I didn't I feel it, but I didn't know it. My number one is words of affirmation. And it does a good job of explaining what that means. And for me, appreciation is the words of affirmation that I want to hear. I feel loved by you when you offer me appreciation. When I hear that.

You are thankful about my efforts when you're talking about my character qualities, when you're talking about my personal gifts, that means something to me. The lowest one here on words of affirmation is encouragement. And I think back to like when I've had a personal trainer, even. I hate that you got this. Push harder. You got you're that kind of like if you said that to me, it'd be almost anti-love. It it annoys me so badly. But the other

That idea of appreciation or a compliment, that means a ton to me when I hear it.

Clancy Denton (25:11)
So okay, I'm curious though. You have your breakdown. What what percentage was appreciation? Okay, and what was compliment? So yeah, so those two but there's

Rick Denton (25:17)
fifty three percent. Twenty nine percent. Okay.

Clancy Denton (25:24)
a big gap between

Rick Denton (25:26)
there's

a huge gap. Those two weave together. It's it's the encouragement one that is in the crapper. Yeah.

Clancy Denton (25:32)
My more closer almost split between appreciation and compliment and then encouragement. Yeah, same thing. Because I I don't like the stuff,

Rick Denton (25:42)
We've never liked them.

Clancy Denton (25:43)
yeah. Which is so weird because I taught cheer, I did all, you know, so

Rick Denton (25:50)
You know why I think it is? Because a word of appreciation sincerely delivered feels like a word of appreciation sincerely delivered. A word of encouragement, even when it's sincerely delivered, rings false in my ears. It it rings like rah-rah sideline stuff as opposed to, No, I sincerely believe you've got this. To me, I just hear that as shut the bleep up.

Clancy Denton (26:15)
Well and it's I never punched a person in the Come on, you got this. Yeah, I want to punch them in the face.

Rick Denton (26:18)
Yeah, but

Okay, so we can't go as deep in some of the middle, but you've got a couple that if you're like me, you've got a couple that are knocking on the door of number one but didn't quite hit there.

Clancy Denton (26:40)
Yes. My second one that was yes, very close was quality time. Okay. So this one was interesting to me because the way they break this one up is that it has unschedules scheduled on one axis and then present and future on the other axis. And so I fell into future on both.

Unscheduled and scheduled. Which I thought was interesting because I'm very organized and very on time and in the present time. But I think some of the questions were more geared towards do you like to talk about what you're gonna be doing in the future? Do you get tasks done? I think it was the task question that probably threw everything off because

I do like to get tasks done before you move on to something else, but sometimes I push that task all the way to the point that it can be pushed to.

Rick Denton (27:49)
Well, and quality time was I had two that were tied for a very knocking on the door second quality time and physical touch. Yeah. And I s I had some time I spent some time thinking about this one and I'm heavily in the future category with a little bit leaking into present, but it's that unscheduled future where I am. But the scheduled is a key part of it. I think what and the reason why you sat there as well, I think, is we love to dream.

We hate to dream without executing those dreams.

Clancy Denton (28:23)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. We like dreams with goals.

Rick Denton (28:27)
No, I'm good. I'm actually going a step further. So I'm sorry, yes and yes and we like dreams. We like dreams with goals and we like plans that help us achieve those goals and those dreams. I I love I love sitting there and just thinking about the esoteric, but that starts to get foolish in my mind at a certain point if it's completely unattainable. I do believe that the unattainable helps you.

Then start to brainstorm to something that is maybe not as unattainable. But that's why I think you and I have a very similar sort of thing there. And I think that's when I feel very loved. A lot of our conversations going back to earlier have been this category of dreaming about the future and then following that up with spreadsheets and flights booked to make that future happen. Thanks for listening to part one. In part two, we'll find out what our lowest love language is and have relationship conversations about the future.