When Home Doesn’t Feel like Home...Empty Nest Kids Return E138

Rick Denton (00:00)
This week on The Loud Quiet, when home doesn't feel like home, empty nest kids return.

Clancy Denton (00:05)
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the Loud Quiet We are coming at you from the road. We haven't done one of these in a while and we had the time because we had to fly into Phoenix to get to Tucson. We are coming out here to move Keegan out of her apartment. All of her roommates are graduating and so she will be living solo for one semester. So we've got to...

transition her out of her place and put her stuff into storage for the summer.

Rick Denton (00:40)
And that's what today is about. It's about transition. This is transitioning just like it's been every summer. Teagan is coming home and we've lived an empty nest life. She's lived an independent college life and now she's transitioning home for the summer.

Clancy Denton (00:54)
And we've had time to adapt this. This will now be our, what, seventh summer of doing this with the child.

Rick Denton (01:03)
Not a Pagan, just to be clear.

Clancy Denton (01:05)
This is a f***ing year.

They're a child. And so we've gotten used to it. For some of you, this may be the first summer that your child is coming home after being gone for nine months. The winter break is so short that you barely get used to them being home. They barely get used to being home before they have to go back. It's so quick. No one can really get adjusted. And you're so busy because it's Christmas and all the activities.

But summer is really that time that it is pretty much, you know, a good three solid months and even a little bit more. So we just wanted to talk about how it's different. You know, they have been living in this other place for nine months. That has been their life. And you have had a different life for nine months. So we just thought that we would talk about

some of those things from the child's aspect and from the parent's aspect. We've talked to our kids about what they felt and we've experienced ourselves. You one thing, you want them to fall back into the role that they had when they left nine months ago. You want them to follow the house rules that were established, but they've been making their rules.

Rick Denton (02:32)
Yeah, they've been following house rules. It's just their house. Yeah, and even the definition of house and home have started to shift in their minds

Clancy Denton (02:41)
And so one thing we have talked about before is if it's possible and we realize it's not always possible, but if it is, try to have those talks about expectations before they walk through the door to come home. And we get it sometimes that's not possible and sometimes you don't know what to expect. We did not know what to expect that first summer that Tanner came home.

And when he came home, started coming home at two, three o'clock in the morning, we had to say, okay, look, we are not the frat hill.

Rick Denton (03:19)
Well, I think that's one of the biggest categories when we talk about this is it's time What are the house rhythms around time? Does the household wake up a lot earlier and get active a lot earlier than what they were? Accustomed to in college does the house in by you're describing there shut down a lot earlier and let's call them quiet hours kick in well before what they might have been experiencing before some of these you

You're back in tight quarters. You're inside the same home together. And even just simple noises of living in their room, of music noises or game noises or conversation noises can be things that are out of sync with what your house has experienced at certain times.

Clancy Denton (04:03)
And you also have to realize they're not in high school anymore. They are young adults, so there may need to be some modified house rules. Again, these are conversations that need to be had.

Rick Denton (04:19)
We'll take that one for example. That one is a great example of we didn't say in our home, everybody is inside and locked up by midnight. No, but what we did say is if you're out with your friends because you are an adult and you can be out with your friends, one, smart. If you're drinking, you Uber or have someone else drive and come in quietly because we are asleep. And if we are not asleep because of you coming in, that's not good.

Clancy Denton (04:45)
Yes, because the parents are still working and still... And let's get up in the morning.

Rick Denton (04:52)
And

let's flip that on its head a bit. We're earlier in our mornings than certainly a lot of college rhythms are. Well, when our kids come home for summer, we're not banging around the kitchen and having full voiced conversations like we might now because we're respecting the fact that their beginning of the day starts later than ours. And so those are the kind of compromises and adjustments that

can't be assumed will happen automatically. Instead, have those conversations around what are the time and what are the rhythms of the house.

Clancy Denton (05:29)
and also going along with the role that they played. Everyone fits into a role growing up. It just happens. It's not really a sign. It just happens. Everyone assumes their role.

Rick Denton (05:46)
Yeah, for example, growing up, the kids did the dishes and they split what kind of dishes they did after a meal. Well, it would be super easy to have that exact expectation. The moment the kid walks back in the door that that is their exact responsibility because that was the role that they played before. They may not have that expectation coming back. Heck, they may have spent an entire year eating in.

the cafeteria and never having to touch a dish. And that's the case of its expectations that have to be communicated. I'm not here to say which one is the right or wrong way. Maybe you do say, hey, you're back in the house, you're going to do the dishes. Or you recognize that it's something different, but the expectations can be misaligned when the kid comes home around roles.

Clancy Denton (06:35)
This

is where I get into, you need to have patience with them. They are being thrust back into a family unit that you have gone on functioning in the same household that they have been out of for nine months, but you have gone along on your way and developed new routines that now they have been thrust back into.

You need to have patience and give them a little bit of time with, you know, it can't last for, you know, okay, it's the last two weeks of summer and they figured it out. But you do need to let them ease back in and kind of figure out, okay, what's my new role? What's the new family rhythm? How do I fit into this, you know?

Rick Denton (07:29)
To them, they left a home.

And now we're coming back into it. In their minds, home froze in time. All of the evolutions that we developed as an emptiness couple, they didn't necessarily participate. Not necessarily, they didn't participate in. But their mind, their mental snapshot was frozen in time when they left the house. And that patience of they're going to have to adapt to what it is. It's just a shock to the system because it's different.

and they're thinking it's coming home to the same and that's not the case.

Clancy Denton (08:07)
Yeah, I mean, I, the example of, know, we backed dinner time up a little bit. We tend to eat a little bit earlier when the kids left. We may need to shift that back a little bit when they come back for the summer, which actually we've already kind of done just because the being lighter later outside place tricks on your mind anyways.

But, and also, you know, we will only have one home this summer and she works. So sometimes, yes, we move the time that we do dinner just to work out with her work schedule. But yeah, just give them a little bit of grace, especially if this is their first summer back. That is a hard transition for them. It's hard on the parents as well, but that is a really hard time. If you can, if you went to school,

Remember that time, remember that first summer that you came home. It's weird, it feels weird. You have been away, you have made a completely new life. It is a strange feeling coming back that first summer. So just kind of put yourself in their shoes and give them a little bit of-

Rick Denton (09:28)
One thing that will catch you off guard or caught us off guard is your kids are gonna have different likes now and different dislikes too. The beauty of college or going away is they're exposed to new inputs and there are new foods that they like, new interests that they have, new music that they enjoy and it can be a bit surprising.

When your kid comes back and that food item that they never ever wanted, suddenly they're asking, hey, can we go out for?

Clancy Denton (10:05)
which, you know, we like because... Those that we enjoy that sometimes they said, no, we don't like that. And then yes, they get exposed to it because they meet a friend that likes it at school and peer pressure sometimes comes into play there, which is a good kind of peer pressure. And so yes, those things are good. And yes, there may be things that they're...

Rick Denton (10:10)
Let's stay.

I know that we've got people with some of this that say, my kid was the biggest steak eater, loved their filet mignon, and they came home a vegetarian. And that's a case of, well, if that's who they are and that's what they're interested in, it gets into some of those deeper issues of how do you adapt to who your kid is, not who you sent them away as when they loved. ⁓

Clancy Denton (11:00)
It may also just be something that they're trying for the time being. It may not be a permanent thing. Just let them tell you why they're trying it or why they're interested in this thing and listen to them. Be supportive and listen.

Rick Denton (11:19)
That's certainly, that's a, that's a theme is there's gonna be so much that's different, so much that's changed, so much that's same. It is all about just taking that role of the parent of a young adult, which is more about asking questions to understand rather than issuing instructions to dictate.

Clancy Denton (11:44)
You know, both of our kids went to schools where they knew absolutely no one. No one, not a single person from either of their schools their year went to either one of their colleges. And so they came out with a completely new crop of friends, which was great. And as the parent, you want them to...

still be so bonded with their hometown friends, which most of our children did stay very close to their friends. And now that's so much easier with all the social media stuff. So much easier for our kids to be able to do that. But these kids, you know, they were spending 24 seven with your kids may not be doing that as much. know, when they get home,

and you keep asking them, have you seen so and so? have you seen so and so? They may not want to see so and so because they're spending their time on their phone talking or texting with their new friends they've made.

Rick Denton (12:58)
back

to school. that gets back to that definition component of what is home is so swirly in their minds. And so what is home is also what our friends, who our friends get so mixed up. I remember

I remember coming back and my parents saying, you know, oh my gosh, did you hear that? I'm going to make up names here y'all. So don't worry about it. But did you hear that Kelly Shmobobo was doing X, Y, and Z and oh, they've got this major or they're doing this activity. I didn't care because those people, while they were a part of my high school life, really weren't a part of my life anymore. And it was jarring for my parents to see that it was also

kind of annoying to me to keep getting fed with information about people that not for any good or bad reason, just they didn't have any interest in anymore. And it can be an easy thing for a parent to do to continue to overwhelm your kid with updates about the families and the relationships that they had while they were here before they left. And they may just simply not care anymore.

Clancy Denton (14:14)
And don't be surprised too if your child says, ⁓ I want to fly to whatever state to visit my new friend that I met at school. Both of our kids did that. Or their friends came to Texas to visit them over the summer, which we were very happy to host. So, you know, there's just going to be those new friendships that they make. And you guys remember that if you went to school.

You do, you bond so fast with people because especially that freshman year when you're in the dorm and you're living in such close quarters with people, you know, you really do.

Rick Denton (14:56)
There's that lesson college trauma bonding, right? There's that, my gosh, I'm by myself, I'm all alone, classes are harder than anything I experienced in high school, and you develop those relationships as you all go through that fire together.

Clancy Denton (15:10)
They become your family. Yeah, I mean those are the people that you lean on and especially was so different for us because We couldn't talk to our parents Every day our kids can talk to us every day if they want to they have that option We couldn't do that. So those really did become your friends who became your family for those of you who have kids that are

you know, not freshmen. This may not be the first year that they're coming home.

They may not have health for the summer.

Rick Denton (15:47)
There may not be the transition. It's the untransition.

Clancy Denton (15:50)
You

may get that little dagger in your heart when they say, I want to stay here this summer. ⁓ I found a job.

Rick Denton (16:00)
And can I change that phrasing? ⁓ I want to stay home.

Clancy Denton (16:05)
Well, I wasn't gonna say stay home. It's when they say, wanna go back home. Because I don't know that they would say, I wanna stay home this summer. They'd say, I wanna stay here. But I have heard them say, I'm ready to go back home. That's when the dagger hits. But when they say, I wanna stay here, you have to just take a deep breath.

And because the apartments usually run through the summer, so they usually have lodging and if they're taking summer classes or if they have secured employment out there, sometimes that's a better option for them. It's not always what we want, but sometimes that's.

Rick Denton (16:49)
Hey, we're sitting here talking about when your kid comes home. It makes a transition for you. you know enough if they stay out there Well, you don't have to change your emptiness rhythm quite as much so it's there's a positive to it as well

Clancy Denton (17:06)
And you're already paying that rent. is one thing that is kind of a bummer about college apartments that the way they run those leases kind of stinks. ⁓ well. So yeah, so I will just say if this is your first summer that they are coming home, enjoy it.

Rick Denton (17:09)
Okay, okay.

End Ran.

Clancy Denton (17:33)
listen to their stories, they're gonna wanna tell you about everything they've done, even though they've already told you, I'm sure, in the multiple phone calls that you've had this summer or just over the year, or when you've gone to visit them, names are gonna come up that you haven't heard or ones that you have heard.

of people that maybe you have met or that you haven't met, you're gonna probably hear some stories that you haven't heard and just enjoy the stories. It may throw you back into times that you you fondly remember being in college. Also, share the things that you've been doing. They wanna know that you're having a good time too while they're off living their best.

Rick Denton (18:25)
And I think that's something that I know I had to learn that it's just because of kind of the the family hierarchy aspect of it, right? You've got the parent-child relationship and the dynamic that's there sometimes kids I don't want to use the phrase are comfortable with but just aren't in the habit of asking how things are with their parents and by starting to tell them

your stories, solicited or unsolicited, until their eyes glaze over, stop when you need to stop, it starts to almost change or let that relationship dynamic evolve to what it's going to be in the future where you'll never be peers, but you will be kind of on different footings with each other to where they will be asking, hey, what's going on in your world, mom, hey, what's going on in your-

at and they're not going to have those muscles built at the beginning. So offering up the stories without being asked can help build that skill in them.

Clancy Denton (19:34)
I think just creating the home environment is a safe place that they always know they have a safe landing place to always come back to. They will have a set of parents, supportive siblings, just a good environment.

to come home to. know, as we establish the home as their safe landing place, their return to the known home, their origin and routine, you'll strengthen the family bonds at the same time you're helping them launch into their own independent future.

Rick Denton (20:21)
which is really what we want.

All right, y'all, those are the transition things that we've experienced. Those are transition things that we've known. You know, a lot of our transition stories have actually been put into the book that has come out, The Loud Quiet, Love, Laughter, and Life in the Empty Nest. Y'all can grab a copy of it on Amazon and we're excited to announce there's a series of free bonuses to anyone who purchases the book. Head over to theloudquiet.com.

and you'll get all the information about the book and about the free bonuses associated with it. And if you've already bought the book, you can still get those free bonuses as well.

Clancy Denton (21:01)
So

thanks guys for joining us on another episode of the Loud Quiet.